To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

So just give up? And watch your child deteriorate further

Of course she knows she’s overweight, but she may be having difficulties tackling it or not now how to, or she may be trying to ignore it - you can offer her your support.

Sometimes it takes another person expressing concern to galvanise someone into action, whatever the issue.

I don’t think the op was just going to say

“by the way - you do know you’re very fat, don’t you?”

Maybe she likes being the size she is

Bald fact is that if DD does not tackle this in some way she risks serious illness. What could be worse than that?

Unless your daughter is daft you don't need to articulate how fat she is or your concerns for her health. She will know. The only time to mention it would be when she mentions it to you.

If your daughter weighed 5 stone and was clearly suffering from anorexia, you would mention it and support her. I think we are always more frightened of mentioning to obese people that they have an issue that needs sorting.

What is your financial situation? The reason I ask is that I would take her away to a health retreat for a complete reset. They are very expensive by my goodness - they really are a reset. She will lose weight but so much more than that - she will come back in a very different frame of mind re her diet and exercise

YANBU to sit down and have a chat, but take the focus away from her losing weight and make it clear that you're concerned about her being breathless after small amounts of movement and ask her how she feels about that, then what can you do to help her.

I've been obese most of my adult life. The difference for me wasn't about looking better, it was about feeling better - I was like an epiphany realising that's what I wanted to change so I started exercising which started as sweaty forced walks for as long as I could manage at first, that developed into couch to 5k and now I run 3 times a week. Not fast, not graceful but I'm moving and honestly feel much better for it.

That's what you want your daughter to try and aim for in the first instance - feeling better and healthier. Going for a walk around the park and not being a sweaty pink faced mess after it, walking upstairs without puffing, walking to/from the school comfortably and in decent time. Small goals, but worthwhile ones.

I found once I started concentrating on moving more, what I ate started to change. Foods that I knew wouldn't feel nice to exercise after started to be carefully planned in rather than just eat when I fancy it. I've managed to knock my BMI down from 45 to 34. I'm still obese, but I honestly feel like a different person. I know I still need to focus on my diet properly, but for now moderating what I eat so that running is easier has kept me at my best size/weight/health for over 2 years and for the first time in 20 years.

Hope your daughter accepts however you frame this as a nudge to improving her health. Best of luck.

same applies for alcoholics. They love the drink. Doesn’t mean that as family members we don’t get involved

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-57419041.amp

This is a useful article as it contains information from experts in obesity within the medical profession such as

Dr Abd Tahrani, a senior lecturer in obesity medicine at the University of Birmingham, says there are a lot of people who are "biologically pre-designed to conserve energy", which is stored as fat. He explains that signals from the hypothalamus - the part of the brain that controls appetite - bombard the person with feelings of hunger and a desire to eat, that are almost impossible to fight.

So even if the person successfully loses several stone by dieting, their body remembers its baseline weight and strives to return to it.

Also

Too many weight management programmes for those living with obesity begin with "moving more and eating less", which in reality is a prevention for obesity, not a cure.

"The number of people I've encountered in my 30-year career who've been able to go from morbid obesity, to normal weight, and sustain it by dieting alone - well I don't think I've ever met one. It's so hard to do."

Anything that “really concerns” me about my children and their health, I will absolutely 100% speak to them about

Absolutely this. You are concerned for your daughters health and wellbeing and it sounds like you have good reason for this. Whilst it might not be a nice conversation to have, the reality is that her weight is more than likely having a negative impact on her life now, and in the future, and as a parent you want her to be happy and healthy.

If your child was at risk of killing themselves due to smoking or drugs then you’d say something. I don’t understand why it’s acceptable to talk about that, but not about over eating.
yes, it’s emotional, but maybe it’s the motivation she needs to change her habits.
I’m sorry but it’s not healthy to continually eat crap and do no exercise, just as it’s not healthy to smoke 40 a day.
you need to have the conversation.

No. Don't talk to her unless you've got something helpful to say that's not "You're so fat and I'm so worried". When have you ever seen a post saying that someone came out with that to someone they care about and it was the key thing that changed that person's life and made them drop the weight? Never, that's when.

It's not helpful, she already knows what size she is, and chances are she's worried too but it struggling to do something about it. You cannot fix this for her, and all you are going to do is make her feel judged and uncomfortable around you because she's going to think all you see is her size (and it's coming off that way in all honesty). You can be concerned, but keep it to yourself unless she asks for help.

I gained weight very very quickly, sounds like my starting weight was about the same as your daughter's now. I was crying out inside for someone to comment and help me, I was deep in food addiction and binge eating disorder with no way out alone. My mobility was fucked, teeth were a mess, I was exhausted and fatigued, my depression and anxiety were sky high and leaving the house was difficult. You don't get that big without something being seriously wrong.

She needs help and as long as you're sensitive about it I think you need to step in.

Better to meet her for physical activity rather than comment. Invite her to a aqua aerobics class, meet for a walk, etc.

I feel you need to talk about it, in terms offering her support.

A lot of posters here have said 'She knows she's overweight'.

Well, yes, she does.

But having your Mum say she is worried for you might be a bit of a wake-up call, just the same as if a close friend or family member tells someone with a drink problem they are concerned. Her DD can chose to ignore what her mum says if she wishes.

I don't believe in living with elephants in the room.

Look at it another way- if @singingamy says nothing, and in the future her DD has diabetes, cancer or heart disease, all linked to her size, will she not wish she'd said something?

IME many very overweight people adopt a 'happy' type of behaviour ( we all know the 'fat but happy' cliche)

but it's often there to deflect from deep unhappiness and underlying mental health issues. It's an act, to take attention off their size.

@singingamy I'd choose quiet moment (or create one) where you can say you want to talk to her about something. I'd go about it as offering help, whatever it might be. She could see a weight-loss coach, join an online support group, see a counsellor- whatever she needs to get to the bottom of over-eating.

You can only try.

@EasterIssland Not sure what your blood tests 'show' (even if they are 'normal' now, they won't predict heart disease or diabetes or cancer or osteoarthritis that may lie ahead for you.) You need to educate yourself a bit if you think a blood test (what was it for?) is giving you free rein to stay obese and be 'healthy'.

I would speak to them and offer help, three of my siblings developed type 2 diabetes in their late forties and it killed my brother due to complications. At that point one sister lost a lot of weight and the other didn’t. Her he,at( is so improved not just the diabetes but all the a hung joints. Make it about her health.

Could you maybe start exercising together? Maybe suggest swimming/long walks with pram through the woods/ joining the gym together?

Dh has lost four stone since the start of the year. He was 18 and a half stone and the doctor said he would have a heart attack in the next ten years without a shadow of a doubt. He dramatically changed absolutely everything, BUT before he did that he just started halving the rubbish he had, in particular white bread, crisps and chocolate and drinking water instead of fizzy drinks and not eating after 8 at night When he started seeing results quickly he dumped white bread and started having smoothies with oats in the morning then healthy lunches and dinners. He only snacks on veg and fruit now. It’s a huge extreme but my point is that every small change is huge- an apple instead of chocolate, one takeaway a week (then every two weeks). People say about exercise but tbh good sleep is as important and actually exercise is only really good for your overall health well being mental health etc unless you’re doing a HUGE amount. Best of luck, both she and you sound so lovely but from looking at dh, losing weight is life changing and I think being diplomatic as so many people said, is key (dh only realised from pictures how big he’d gotten)

I'm so surprised at the amount of people telling you off or telling you that you shouldn't speak to your daughter about this.
Yes she knows shes fat but maybe she does need a bit of a shake, I have needed it and given it to myself. If you are close and she gets angry and is defensive then that's what happens and you will both get over it.

Sometimes people get so wrapped up in daily life and bad habits and suddenly things get away from them, chances are she wants to be healthier and happier, who wouldnt. I have struggled all my.life with my weight and I know when I'm fat but there are also times I need a kick up the bum.

The only thing I would say is to research how to broach the subject with her and focus on her health (also ignore the idiots on here who seem to think yiure just wanting to tell her shes fat). But also do something actively to help her, like go on walks or if you both go out to eat together then change that activity etc

Is her partner overweight? Do they have bad habits together?

I agree 100%. Just because 60% of people are now overweight or obese, it's become normalised and 'not mentioned in case it offends'.

yet as you say, if this was someone who'd become an alcoholic or was shooting heroin, a parent would say something.

Just because they are killing themselves with food (maybe more socially normalised/ acceptable) doesn't mean it's okay and should be ignored.

They are all disorders- using food, drugs, alcohol for comfort and coping with something in their lives.

What does your DGD eat? Is she fed the same diet?

Also why is it ok to talk to friends and family about being too slim or smoking or alcohol or drugs or mental health but being overweight is off limits- being too overweight is massively dangerous and is generally not great for emotional wellbeing either (and I'm not talking about being a bit chubby but when someone is so overweight they cant breathe walking short distances that is def a problem)

Are you overweight at all and do you live near one another? I personally found the structure of slimming world so useful to lose weight, it would be quite a delicate approach to ask her to go with you? With a young child and having always been overweight she will find it hard to prioritise/ be motivated alone.