To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

If she was alcoholic or addicted to crack and she couldn’t walk, would you have intervened by now? Of course you would

No- because that wouldn't do any good either! She's an adult and has her own family! And in the case of drugs or alcohol addiction it is very much up to the individual to want and seek help. It doesn't matter how much the family intervene. You just have to be there, sometimes you can't actually do anything though.

Excessive weight gain or excessive weight loss is often the physical manifestation of emotional pain. I actually think you’ve done the right think not focusing on her weight, but do you often ask how she’s feeling or how happy she is? Can she open up to you? Is she stressed about her home life or work? I think it’s great to say you’re worried about her but come at it from the perspective that all you and your DH want is for her to be happy and you’re worried that she doesn’t look happy at the moment.

Her weight gain sounds extreme enough to be considered an eating disorder. Does she have a binge eating disorder or night eating disorder? I would contact eating disorder charities for advice on how best to help her.

I understand why you're worried. You're not judging her size but thinking about her health. And you're a considerate person.

However, you can't comment on someone's weight. They will know they're overweight and they are not choosing to be. Even talking and health is tricky because they know and they don't intend to do it.

Some ideas:

• You can talk about healthy food and habits generally in a positive way like, I'm trying to eat healthily and the positive impact it's having. Like since I'm eating more veg, I just feel so much better, I found wonderful recipes etc... Sometimes this can give the other ideas or result in them opening up about challenges.
• I agree with the point about out of breath. You can say, is it something you've been to the doctor's about etc.. but I wouldn't push it too much.
• just generally being supportive so she can open up. It may be that she needs advice from a doctor, nutritionalist or other support like therapy. I don't believe anyone just chooses to overeat and often there are underlying reasons like thyroid, pcos, appetite issues, or other things that once assisted can help far better than someone saying you need to lose weight.

My weight's crept up loads over the years due to illness, I now fall into the obese range. I certainly need a kick up the bum on a regular basis to lose weight!

It's way too easy to lose motivation, get used to it so you stop thinking about it as much, put off losing weight until next month (which never comes). If you don't bring it up then you can't offer support. Are you in any position to go round and help her cook and shop on a regular basis until she gets the hang of it? Also look for something really fun for exercise. Swimming, pole fitness, tennis.

I think your AIBU options are a little bit confusing btw, so it might not be a true reflection of peoples opinions. I voted YANBU, as in YANBU to speak to her. I changed it after spotting that last bit you wrote, but I bet lots of people have missed it.

Could you offer to pay for surgery? She's very unlikely to get to and maintain a healthy weight through healthy eating. Surgery could save her life

For those who are ignorant of the science, and those who don’t understand it, here’s a link to a page giving some data.

irp.nih.gov/blog/post/2020/01/extreme-obesity-shaves-years-off-life-expectancy#:~:text=Specifically%2C%20we%20found%20that%20BMIs,BMIs%20from%2055%20to%2059.

If you want a very simple statistic that captures myriad different downstream effects of obesity then this is a good one;

“Specifically, we found that BMIs from 40 to 44 were associated with 6.5 years of life lost, but this increased to 8.9 for BMIs from 45 to 49, 9.8 for BMIs from 50 to 54, and 13.7 for BMIs from 55 to 59.“

its hard op. im overweight it's a mental health problem with m i know its damaging but i comfort eat. maybe she's not ashappy as seems

Why do you think she is this size, OP? Anyone can gain a bit of weight because eating is nice, but I do think that if someone is very very overweight, there are likely to be mental health issues at play as well, and just being told you need to do something about it won't help. Is she unhappy? Is there something else going on?

Is her DD eating the same diet as her?

Very tricky to raise this but if she doesn't address it then she risks limiting how much she can do with her daughter, which is sad for both of them.

The major health risks mentioned by PP are so scary - and joint problems could make it harder for her to move freely. Plus the risk of shorter life expectancy.

I would definitely talk to my daughter and encourage her to have counselling.

Her daily living must be difficult.

Im sure people will be on to say "I was 30 stone and have now been a healthy weight for ten years from so and so diet" but in reality, surgery would be a more realistic way of getting to and maintaining a healthy weight

A person I love who is very overweight eventually had to have two knee replacements and now has problems with both ankle joints, but ankles are very difficult to fix so there isn't really a solution for that. They have mobility issues, and were considering getting a mobility scooter, but the fear is that they will rely on this to get around distances but become even less mobile inside the house, which in time could lead to being house/downstairs bound, needing care etc. Their bloods etc are actually pretty good, but they are suffering with daily pain and mobility issues which affects their quality of life.

Reaistically, if the husband's the same (hubby and her settled into life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people) then I think it's going to be really hard for her to get out of that lifestyle. Really you'd want them to be the ones to help and motivate each other with it.

Please don't. How mortifying for her -- she knows better than you or anyone else that she's overweight.

Work on having a safe, trusting, non-judgmental relationship with her and if she comes to you ASKING for help or advice, then go for it. Until then, leave it alone.

What’s the cause? Full body chemistry needed. Hormones including thyroid , oestrogen etc. she needs to make sure this is not an underlying condition. If not then what’s the issue… secret eating? Bad diet choices, stuffing herself - then I suggest counselling and down the behaviour route.

she needs to be on board with this and she got changes to make to her lifestyle for herself and her daughter.

she also needs to do this with help and support . Some people use weight watchers others do the gym. See what works for you

but in reality, surgery would be a more realistic way of getting to and maintaining a healthy weight.
I'm not sure. I've a few friends who had surgery and they struggled with not being able to eat.
Counselling before surgery would help.

As a fat person, if my family told me their concerns without offering a solution that worked for me and not just for them, then I'd just feel annoyed really.

I think it gets to a point, when you're fat, that you can have all the mental and emotional support, you can have well wishers saying they'll exercise with you or bring salads, or go to weight watchers with you but by that point the issue is mechanical and the only real solutions start to become surgical.

They're a ballache to get on the NHS, and they're bloody expensive and time consuming with recovery especially if you have other children and no real family support such as grandparents being able to take kids for a few weeks, or husband being able to take time off work to play fetch me carry me get me.

There's also a massive social aspect. My family can eat what they want and never put weight on, so they don't see the need to give up buying things in like sweets or chocolate or pizza, but eating something completely separate and less of it is miserable in itself and if we all had perfect willpower we wouldn't be in this mess.

So yes I think if you talked to your daughter but weren't able to offer the support that worked for her, you'd just be rubbing salt in the wound.

She knows she's overweight. She's fat. Not blind.

Yes, once you are very overweight then exercise becomes pretty unpleasant, and the prospect of spending years feeling a bit miserable but still quite fat is enough to make pretty much everyone give up at some point.

Erm, no! Surgery should NOT be the first port of call. Blimey.

Haven't got a lot to add but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely Mum @singingamy Maybe an opener could be saying that you want to do something for your own health, start a regular weekend walk or swim or whatever in the lead up to Christmas & ask her if she fancies accompanying you?

I'm largish (a size 18) - I know I need to loose weight, doing something about it is the difficult bit.

If my mum ever said anything to me I'd be devastated :(

She knows how big she is! Other than making a few comments about the breathlessness etc I'm not really sure what you can say - although she might be less sensitive than me

But that’s clearly not true. In some cases a family member talking about it can be the trigger for the lightbulb moment, the thing that flicks that switch and makes a difference.

Where are so many posters getting the evidence from that it never works?

Also this. The company we keep can be toxic even if we don't want to admit it.

Kudos to people who do have an iron will on what they can eat but when you're suddenly completely incompatible with those in your own house, in terms of goals and motivation and willpower and diet, then you've got to pick which to sacrifice. Your love and happiness, or your body.

It is a fact that you are more likely to get cancer if you are overweight than if you are not. It is a fact that you are at increased risk of ill health if you are obese than if you were not.

I am obese. My blood tests are the same as when I was not obese (I was a healthy weight for the first 30 years of my life) however, despite that I AM at increased risk of ill health due to my obesity - obesity increases stress on the vital organs, it increases inflammation which increases the risk of many illnesses. Yes, I may be as healthy as I can be at my weight, but I would be healthier at a healthy weight.

She knows she’s fat, so you need to be careful in your words and tone as it’s unlikely you’re going to say anything which will suddenly make her realise she needs to change.

I would go with offering practical support only. So something along the lines of “I can see you’re struggling physically with your weight and I’d love to help as I’m concerned for your health. We could go for walks together, join a slimming club or if you’ve thought about surgery perhaps I can help go through the options? I’m saying this not to criticise but because I love you unconditionally and I want you to know I’m here for you - whatever you need and whenever you like.”