To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

I don't tend to post on these threads because the fat bashing really makes me depressed, but my view is that you will not help by mentioning it to her. What would you say that would help? You're not a medical person or an expert. It's easy to tell that you love her and are speaking from concern so I'm not having a go, but mother daughter relationships are seldom uncomplicated and I just don't see how you could say anything without her hearing all sorts of other things implicit in that and will just make her feel crap with no positive outcome.

The most you can do is help her with the kids and everything else, offer to pay for some therapy (if you can afford it), do things together that solidify your relationship in a purely positive way. She needs to find herself and her own belief that she's good enough to live healthily and is not a lost cause, but I really just don't think your mum telling you you're fat is going to do it.

As an aside, the approach for underweight people is telling them because undereating is addictive and can actually change your brain chemistry so you need help to get out of it. It's possible that overeating is the same but because everyone assumes it's just laziness - because it LOOKS bad - it's not widely discussed. That was not to you OP, I mean my post to be helpful not defensive.

I doubt there's anything you can tell her that would help. But YANBU for worrying about it all the same. It'd be weird if you didn't.

Leave her alone. She isn’t blind and will know she has put on weight. You pointing it out is rude and unnecessary. She will take it badly as it is intended badly. Leave her alone to live her life as she she’s fit. She is no longer a minor where you should help control what she eats.

I am a fat woman and have been for most of my life. I fluctuate between being 2 and 6 stone overweight. There is not a single person in the whole world who is fat who doesnt know that they are fat. there isnt a person who is fat that doesnt know what healthy eating is or what it looks like. We also know that being fat causes a wide range of health and social issues. we know this. we dont need somone to tell us. many of us hide behind a happy and jolly veil because confronting the issues why we are fat and dealing with them is just too hard. What we need are people in our lives who want to help and support us to make the changes we need to not be unhealthily fat to realise that different things work for different people and to pick us up each and every time we fail. knowing these things, talk to your daughter and explain why you are concerned. not because she is fat but because of the health issues including future pregnancies and ask her what you can do to help. then wait for her to tell you. I am in my 60's now and still hope that one day I will be a normal weight. good luck.

Your time to talk to her about weight and health was when she was a child. Back off, she knows what size she is

This is a tricky one op. I think if her weight is as bad as you say and impacting her mobility then it is out of hand and a risk to her life. You wouldn't leave your adult child struggling eith spiraling mental health so why would you ignore this.

Have you tried talking to her dh about it? Tell him what you've said here. You don't want to offend her or seem like you are interfering but noticed her breathing difficulties and want to know how she is? Is she worried about her weight? Is he? What is he like, is he overweight too?

I think it depends on your relationship with her tbh, personally I think asking her if she fancies joing a yoga /aqua class or something with you would be better
I'd spin it like you really wanted to spend time with her and she'd be doing you a favour

I think I’d be very direct and not come at this sideways only half saying things. She’ll see through any of that. I’d say something like

DD, do you want to address your weight? And is there anything I can do to help? You’re beautiful and this is never a criticism of you and how you look. But I hate to see you struggle for breath and I’m worried about how your body will cope as you get older. I don’t want you to die younger without having offered my help and support and love. So can I help you?

People don't make changes unless they want to, for themselves. You can't force it.

I think all you can do is wait until she mentions it to you in some way - if she complains about it or something - and then you can suggest supporting her in making changes, accompanying her to a weight loss club or helping her find healthier recipes, exercising together or whatever.

It's a long road, neverending really...maintenance is often harder than loss. There will be times you fall off the wagon.

But she has to want to do it. Nothing anyone else says can make it happen.

And if she gets angry or defensive, drop it immediately. She may need time to think.

Personally, I would have to say something. I would feel devastated if my DC became ill (or worse) as a result of being overweight and I hadn’t tried in some way to help.

Very difficult position for the OP here. Risk hurting her feelings or keep quiet and hope she is ok.

What would you like to achieve by speaking to her?

The issue with being obese is that it has a huge mental health impact that is so rarely mentioned this is imo critical. Please don’t make her feel bad about herself. Weight management is very complex for those that have this problem. It’s a life long battle and is both caused by her health and affecting her health.

Please don’t point out the obvious or drag her down with your worries I am certain she is aware and worried herself.

Id suggest taking care of her or supporting her to do so.
Help her get enough sleep, some time to herself, for a pampering hair appointment. Essentially love her anyway.

It’s as bad as people claiming that smoking isn’t harmful, and evidencing that statement by saying that they know a smoker who lived to ninety despite having sixty a day.

What is your lifestyle like? Does she have any hobbies or interests?

There are a lot of people, of all shapes and sizes, taking up swimming. Could you go with her and take DGC for a swim while she does aquarobics or a swim for exercise. Do it as a way to get DGC swimming, a fun thing to do together. I'm sure that getting DGC out and about into the fresh air or playing frisbee/football etc will also help. The more enjoyable things you can add to decrease the amount of time sitting around, the better. You will be setting a good example for DGC as well.

I don't think you should talk about her weight, but I think talking to her about how happy she is, if she likes her work life balance, how can you help and add some fun into her week - that would be okay.

Yes absolutely you should say something, but you should have taught her healthy habits for food and movement from childhood, so you are playing catch up and I think that could backfire on you as she will be shocked and maybe angry or upset to hear this from you now.

If she can’t even get out of the car and walk to the front door then that’s seriously bad. If she was alcoholic or addicted to crack and she couldn’t walk, would you have intervened by now? Of course you would. Stop pussy footing around and tackle the issue.

The only way that I think would be acceptable to speak about it would be something like "I totally respect your right to make your own decisions about your health and life, but I just wanted to let you know that if there's any changes you want to make in order to be healthier which you would need our support for, please just ask, we love you and we are here for you".

She knows she's overweight, there's nothing you need to say to make her decide to change. Sometimes people accept that being physically unhealthy is a natual consequence of other decisions that are a higher priority. For me (and my weight journey was identical to OP's DD's until I was in my mid-40s) I knew that where I was emotionally and mentally and in my career, I felt that I didn't have a way to address my physical health without deeply damaging my mental health. Things change and situations can get easier and people can start to feel more robust and able to take on the challenge of turning their life around, but it will only happen when she is ready and there's nothing you can do to make her be ready sooner.

What is your evidence for this, though? Clearly there are obese people who don’t realise just how bad things have got. As I mentioned above, my DH was one, he knew he’d put quite a bit of weight on, but had no idea just how severe the issue was until someone who lived him had a talk with him and he actually took some measurements.

It seems sometimes that some posters actually want others to stay being obese.

It’s difficult. Could you approach from health angle that you are worried she’s breathless and suggest Gp for a check up.
I was obese in my 30s and I know my mum was desperately worried about me. What motivated me to lose 5 stone was my health. Plus I was in a place to do it - had time to exercise as only Pt, time for slimming world.

I think you really need to hear comments from people who have been in your daughter's shoes and to see what really helped them realise what a big issue it is and kicked them into action.

I experienced it more from your perspective, and I couldn't stop telling them they need to do something about it! I just couldn't watch quietly. 🤷‍♀️

I agree with this.
Good eating habits are ingrained early.

I'm overweight, have been since early teens (I'm 38 this year) and nothing my mum has ever said about me being overweight has ever helped me or made me want to lose weight

I know I'm fat. I don't need the constant reminders/criticism/guilt trips

You can offer her your support, but don't push too hard

If she’s that overweight then she’s unlikely to lose weight effectively just by diet or willpower. She needs to look at either bariatric surgery or one of the new medications that assist with weight loss.

You need to help her explore the options and give her positive support or possibly help with costs if that’s an option.

Ideally. But sometimes people just like eating shit. My mother parented by two brothers exactly the same - one now eats a mountain of daily vegetables while the other lives on fast food. Sometimes we just have bad impulses.

I’m going to go against everyone else here and say you should sit down and have a blunt talk with her. Whilst I agree with posters that say she’ll already be aware she is overweight, I think there is often a ‘burying head in sand’ kind of denial as to how bad things are. I know, whenever I’ve gained weight, I avoid the scales, mirrors and anything that forces me to look honestly at my body and at my overall health.

I would be shocked, upset and hurt if my mum ever sat me down and said she was seriously worried about my weight, the impact on my health and the impact on my child but that’s because she doesn’t ever make comments about my health or lifestyle and I would be so horrified to hear her say it that it probably would make me take my health much more seriously.

I just don’t think suggesting a health kick or going on more walks together will do anything and may just be interpreted as “digs” at your daughters weight. May as well be completely honest. You’re her mum, if you can’t be frank with her, who can be?

I think I would say something like this, too. Be direct and honest without making it a criticism of her. You know she doesn't feel in control of her weight, so don't blame her.

She may be hurt that you've brought it up at all, so be prepared that she might react in anger/defensiveness. But just let it go. She may well think on the issue and come back to you.