To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

Absolutely not! She will know perfectly well how overweight she is.
Telling her your worried, will not help. It’s like telling an anorexic to eat more. They know they need to, but can’t.
Bring delicious meals around that are healthy? Offer to give her a break? Go for a walk etc.

I’m amazed how afraid people are of weight. If it was a drug problem and it was impacting on your GD, nobody would say ‘ah, leave her be, she knows she is an addict’. If she cannot even walk upstairs without being out of breath, her weight is categorically impacting on her child. She needs help and being passive is not helping.

@funrunning do you mind me asked mg if you’ve ever been overweight?

I'm your daughter in this situation, but I have a not so sensitive Mother whom is also overweight.

Are you a healthy weight?

I would sit her down and ask her how she is feeling and if there is anything at all you can do to help her. I would also sign yourself up to SlimmingWorld and casually ask her if she would like to come along. There are also two medications which she can receive on the NHS - Orlistat and Sexenda. You can also buy sexenda from Boots, I think it might be expensive, but you'll want to offer to pay for it if you're that worried. It shows her you're willing to support her in any way.

Joining SlimmingWorld is a great way to get her to open up to you and others in the same situation. I lost 8 stone, over 2 years, on SlimmingWorld.

Good luck :)

Don't say anything. I'm a 'fat' woman and hate people mentioning it especially as I weighed 8 stone before I got pregnant 50 years ago. I'm 78 and very unhappy with my weight as I bet DD is too. Saying something could make the situation worse ie she may put on more weight. Just be supportive and listen if she wants to talk.

@singingamy

Your daughter may act happy, but is she truly happy? Could she be “eating her feelings” and wearing a mask? I remember going from 118 to 175 in less than three short months because of a medication — it made me miserable. I stopped the medication because I couldn’t handle the adverse effects it had on my body. The whole time I pretended I was AOK, always smiling, always happy, even though I was desperately unhappy.

You must know, and surely your daughter must know that that amount of weight is affecting her heart and kidneys and liver and just about every other part of her body, even though she might not show outward signs of it. Her joints must ache.

By the time a person does show signs of kidney or liver damage, it’s often too late for intervention. Overweight is one thing — self destruction is quite another, especially for a parent of a small child.

I wish you good luck and I wish your daughter good health.

Because as humans it is very easy to keep going, for everything to be ok but sometimes until you experience things differently reality isn't always clear. But I believe OPs daughter will very much be aware she is obese. She is over 22 stone.

I was healthy as in no major health issues, yet, confident but did struggle to keep up with kids, hated being in extreme heat etc.

I now see that I have a better standard of life hence "getting my life back"
I had no issues in the summer when we hit 42° and enjoyed a week away surfing with my kids. Previously I wouldn't have even got in the water.

We were asked for our opinion.

I have given mine based on my mum speaking to my about my weight.

Happy days.

She's your daughter - if a conversation is had out of love, there should be no topic which is "off the table" imo. When my parents have been worried about me in my life, they never shied away from the difficult conversations as said it was "tough love". I'm not perfect, but touch wood have no major issues, and am happy in life. Any fleeting feelings of anger if they touched a nerve are long forgotten, but their advice (unsolicited though it was) has helped me over the years. I'm in my 30s now with two children of my own, but have no doubt they would talk to me about anything that was concerning them - now I'm an adult I have frank conversations with them too, if I have cause to worry about them.

The other thing to consider is how you would feel if (God forbid), your DD did suffer bad health as a result of her lifestyle, how you would feel. For me, I would want to know that I'd spoken out, and tried to tackle the issue, even if the concern wasn't received well (from a selfishpoint of view). That might not be the same for everyone though.

I wold echo what others have said about practical help - perhaps offering to pay for counselling if you can afford it, to get to the route of the over-eating, or similar.

Finally a voice of reason!

OP. Please don't do this. She knows what her weight situation is and how this will affect her health. There is literally nothing you can say that will help her.
Even if you try to sugar it up a bit by talking about being worried about her health, it's just going to make her feel even worse about herself.
No matter how gradually she has put weight on, she absolutely knows. She also doesn't need you to be inventing fake "health kicks" or anything like that. She'll see straight through it and it will not help.
Just leave her be. She has to decide to change for herself and trying to talk to her without her bringing it up herself will just make her feel rubbish.

I wouldn't go the "we're worried" route. Deep down, she likely is too. I'd be taking the approach of "I'm joining slimming world soon and would love if you did it with me and we can see how we get on together". Then support her through that journey, exchanging recipes etc. It will be a long road but it can be an enjoyable journey too. If she's more receptive to weight loss surgery, I'd be inclined to support her with that. From what you've described, there is an extreme amount of excess weight.

It’s difficult to say whether you’re being unreasonable as I’m not sure what help you’re suggesting you give?
for example, if you think that a conversation with you regarding her weight, expressing your concern, will trigger a meaningful weight loss journey… then yes yubu. The doctors warnings after all weren’t enough so it’s not like she’s not been told.

if you’re offering support in terms of getting her help, paying for her to join a programme or access to facilities that she wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford, then that could be a kind offer. If you are overweight (even less so) you could offer to join with her.

Generally these conversations rarely go well, they usually just end up hurting the other person. So be specific about how you expect to achieve your desired outcome.

Nobody leaves an anorexic person... like you suggesting here

Nonsense.

My mother has no ‘right’ to air her opinions on my weight. Her constant dieting and absurd behaviour around food is, in my mind, directly linked to my sibling’s death from anorexia. Her behaviour damaged her children. Any comment at all about my or anyone else’s appearance or weight from my mother is immediately shot down by me, every single time.

She means well……this does not equate to having a right to dump her toxic views on any of us.

Right. If OP saw a cancerous mole on her daughter’s arm she would say something, not be terrified. Only her daughter is the one who can decide how to take it, but at least OP will know she’s tried. I don’t think people are quite realising how dangerous it is to be this size.

to people saying she knows she’s obese: you’d be surprised. Lots of research out there showing that obese and even morbidly obese people often don’t realise, they downplay and think they’re just a bit chunky.

I agree. 20 stone plus is very big and a health risk to herself. If it was my child I’d absolutely say something. The idea of cooking healthy meals for her is pointless if she’s eating them and then going home and eating whatever else it is that’s got her and keeps her at that weight. It doesn’t just happen. My best friend was very overweight and lost it through a gastric band - I know it’s expensive but it works for people that just can’t control their eating, which she says she just couldn’t. She is a million times happier now she’s lost the weight. It is difficult to have conversations about weight and nobody wants to hurt people or make them feel bad about themselves, but when it’s not just a couple of stone and it’s impacting on people’s lives - my friend couldn’t do up her own shoelaces at her heaviest - then I don’t think you can stand be and be passive.

People saying OP should provide health properly portioned meals and ask her along for a walk are really underestimating the impact of that. OP says when daughter comes over for a meal she gets up and serves herself massive second portions.

I completely agree. I’m confused by all the ‘stay out of it’ posts. If my child was damaging her health, I would never ‘stay of it’. I would never forgive myself if I had said nothing and my child was then diagnosed with type 2 diabetes or had a heart attack.

That said, I would have started to intervene when she was a child.

It’s harder than you think when you’ve an overweight child. My 11 year old is overweight - she just loves food and hates exercise! I love cooking and have always made every meal from scratch so it’s been a learning curve for me too. You don’t want to make them self conscious or push them towards developing an eating disorder but at the same time, it’s important to be healthy and that includes being at a healthy weight. I am into healthy eating and cooking and go to the gym and have never been overweight so I just talk to her about a healthy lifestyle and I’m teaching her how to cook and she’s slimming down now. Portion size has really been the issue but I think a lot was the classic ‘puppy fat’ as she’s clearly going to be tall.

It’s harder with adults as they know all this stuff - or should do! But a lot are in denial, or there’s an emotional reason for the overeating. Definitely the case with my best friend who was overeating as unhappy in her marriage.

I’m not sure anyone is advocating ‘staying out of it’. I’m certainly not. I just feel that the issue needs addressing in a much more holistic way, rather than saying “I’m really worried about how fat you are.”

Yes, she was avoiding photos because she knew she was fat, but by doing so and being in denial she had added several more stones and was disappointed that those who were supposed to care about her didn't speak to her about it for fear of fat shaming. She said that someone should have given her the kick up the arse she needed. Her words.

Do morbidly obese people always know they are morbidly obese without being told? When people talk about obesity, they seem to be obsessed with the external features of obesity far more than the actual health implications. What has been the tipping point for those people who eventually did realise they were no longer simply obese and had to do something about their weight, whether surgery or diet? Was it, eg, infertility linked to obesity; arthritis; fatty liver disease; incontinence; sleep apnoea; asthma; diabetes; kidney failure; heart attack; stroke; or something else?

All the reasons given for never being allowed to talk about morbid obesity with someone seem to me to be equally applicable to anorexia, alcoholism, drug addiction and pretty much any other self-destructive activity. All are frequently linked to emotional trauma, low self-esteem, compulsive/addictive tendencies, an inability to cure the person unless they are willing to acknowledge the issue and deal with it themselves, etc. Why, therefore, should morbid obesity be treated as a different, special case where nothing must be said until the person with the problem decides to fix themselves? Or should the same apply to anorexia, alcoholism and drug addiction, with radio silence until the person dies or asks for support? Surely it should be about the way you express concern, rather than whether you should express any concern at all? Some people on here seem to be saying the OP should pretend she is not at all concerned her dd is now so obese it is obvious it is making her unwell.

This conversation will sadden rather than help... I wouldn't do it..
my view
She already knows

Parents shouldn't Teach their grown up kids unsolicited

Parents should be there as a safe welcoming place that advice can be asked

Having said that some suggestions seem more encouraging....
'I've started going on a walk to get healthy'... later 'come with me if you fancy it'

There are certain things that are better not tackled directly. Wanting to do something together seems a happy positive effort to say I'd be happy to spend more time with you.... (if that's a healthy option then that's a good side effect.

This isn’t an overweight adult. This is a morbidity obese adult who is at point of having breathing difficulties doing everyday things. This is now gone past an aesthetic issue into a very serious health issue.
So many comments saying she knows she is overweight say nothing….she isn’t overweight she is morbidly obese.
I have been mostly overweight since my teens, and I got lots of comments about my weight from relatives, however because I was in overweight category and have always been able to exercise etc and the comments were always about my appearance therefore they never helped. If OP never said anything before then it’s very reasonable to assume OP doesn’t care about appearance and isn’t trying to ‘fat-shame’.
Other thought OP is would you get your DH to say something. As some women do take everything their mother says as a criticism.