To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

I've struggled with my weight all my life and I can promise you, other people commenting on it (even in a sensitive way) does next to nothing. All it does is make me feel ashamed and mortified and what do I do when I feel awful? I head for snacks!

You can be pretty sure she knows she's overweight and she knows she has to do something about it but she might be stressed, depressed or just struggling with motivation. As it is starting to seriously impact her health though, you could try a positive approach and say something like, 'so I want to lose a few pounds/get fitter etc and wonder if you want to join me on a health challenge?'

Even if you don't want to do either of those things, it'll help her to not see it as direct criticism. Then set yourselves some kind of competitor challenge...walking X amount of steps per day or doing a weekly weigh in (e.g you don't tell each other what you weigh but you report any losses).

Directly addressing 'I'm worried about you' is rarely beneficial but doing it together helps!

Exactly this.

Obese people can have great blood work but their CV health can be disastrous. Same with underweight people. Your daughter is out of breath walking short distances and her joints will also be suffering. It's ok to acknowledge this.

I once watched a very interesting documentary about the fat acceptance movement about 15 years ago and how toxic it is. There was an interview on there with the woman from Wilson Phillips (pop group in late 80s and early 90s) who had been very overweight most of her life. She had been utterly miserable but said how she was unable to admit that as people would've called her fat phobic and self-hating. Inside she did hate herself and felt trapped in her obese body. She eventually lost all her excess weight and spoke out about the people who benefited from her staying obese.

She may not be ready to talk, but she should. My husband is very obese. Maybe morbidly so. Much of may family is. I know no one who is genuinely happy being obese. I think it's all a lie.
And blood work tells a tiny part of the picture.
I have a friend who is 4 stone overweight with joint problems who adamantly refuses to accept she's overweight and shouts at the nurse when she is told she needs to lose weight. It's a very toxic culture around obesity right now and has been for a long time. It's like the whole #bekind bullshit before it was transferred to other groups.

Saying something as if she doesn't know. She knows. She is told by other people around her in a million different ways every day. Verbally, with looks and behaviours, with attitudes. You think fat people walk around as if they are normal all day? No. The onslaught is constant. And this fake general concern for people's health (as opposed i specific concern for one person whom you love) allows it to happen. So telling someone they are overweight is totally pointless unless you are offering them non judgemental practical support like offering to pay for a gym membership or a weekly massage or looking after their kids so they can go and do something they enjoy.

Saying that obesity is normal and healthy obviously is not true, but telling people “things are wrong with you” doesn’t help. What people hear is “you aren’t good/lovable, you are lazy/ignorant/weak/deluded etc, and understandably it makes them defensive.

Especially when someone approaches it from the point of “I’m worried about you” (and it’s unpleasant, make it stop, change so I’m not worried, change FOR ME, so that when you are extremely unwell/dead I would not forever feel guilty I didn’t do anything about it.

People keep calling the OP’s daughter a child, and saying who, if not the mother, should be concerned for her child. But the problem is, she’s not a child, and the OP isn’t responsible in any way now with what her DD chooses to do with her life as an adult.

You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

The desire to change has to come from her DD. If it happens, she’s very likely to ask for help or bring it up herself, if their relationship is close.
Maximum that @singingamy should say is to ask her DD if she’s aware that she’s there for her if she needs ANY help.

Especially when someone approaches it from the point of “I’m worried about you” (and it’s unpleasant, make it stop, change so I’m not worried, change FOR ME, so that when you are extremely unwell/dead I would not forever feel guilty I didn’t do anything about it

You wouldn’t give this to advice to someone whose child has a drug or alcohol addiction though, would you?

I have a cousin from a medical family who after being all her life extremely skinny and at times underweight turned morbidly obese in the last 10 years(now mid-40s). She did go through some pretty horrendous stuff in her adolescence and early 20s, and it's like it all eventually caught up with her once the body ran out of youthful resilience.

Her mum does, unfortunately, puts her down for her weight. Her mum was a little overweight when I was growing up but after menopause and developing a health condition which keeps people's weight on the lower side turned relatively slim and is slim now in her 70s. She always dresses it up as a health concern for her daughter (I'm not comparing with you at all, @singingamy, just telling a cautionary tale).

But it is absolutely obvious to all of us and to her DD, that she is embarrassed that she, being a medic as well, raised a daughter who is now somehow obese, and it's palpable that she feels that it reflects badly on her esp if they are out somewhere.

Her DD feels her angst about it and it creates this weird dynamics because of course she wants to lose the weight but also feels that she doesn't want to do it to become accepted by her mother, because she should be loved and accepted by her mother anyway, and not when she fits into certain standards. Her private grief over her mother being embarrassed of her body certainly adds to her looking for solace in food (thought she never eats processed foods, never in her life had a MacDonald's etc). She bakes a lot for her family but in general I can't say she eats a lot...she isn't physically active at all though, always tired.

@MintyFreshOne

I don’t know anyone who stopped drinking or taking drugs because their parents/family were worried and telling them to stop. If they could stop, they likely wouldn’t have started.

Maximum they’d get better at hiding it.
There’s always a root for this behaviour and without addressing the root anyone pointing at the plant above ground doesn’t in any way help.

There are cases when an actual intervention can extend someone’s life artificially and in that time they also can have some sort of wake up call/turnaround for themselves and basically have their life saved, but more often that not meddling in the life of an adult life of your relative, even your own child, makes things worse.
If someone ASKS for help, it’s entirely different.

I don’t know anyone who stopped drinking or taking drugs because their parents/family were worried and telling them to stop. If they could stop, they likely wouldn’t have started

Well I guess you are consistent here. I think difficult conversations shouldn’t be avoided personally, instead of vaguely hoping they’ll have a Damascus moment or something.

It’s sad to think they could very well die and you haven’t even tried to talk to them …

You haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about.

@7eleven

you don’t know anything about me, my life, my or my family’s experience with addiction and my professional background so it’s not up to you know whether I have a clue.

However this kind of categorical judgement usually suggests a nuanced or balanced conversation is impossible so I am not planning to get into a further conversation with you.

What are you going to say to her? She already knows she is fat. I say this as a fat person!

Definitely u should speak to her. You're her mum and can be a great source of support when she wants to try and address her weight.

You are absolutely right to voice concerns, that is what family is for.

She knows how big she is. It's the same as someone who is addicted to cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, she won't change things unless she really wants to, and won't thank you for commenting. Unless you are overweight yourself, and could maybe start a conversation about doing e.g. weightwatchers together, I really don't know how you could talk to her without it affecting your relationship.

Must be very hard to watch, though....

I think there’s some body dismorphia there. I’m not speaking for all overweight people but I think the depression and anxiety of not being able to control their weight is so huge they have to be completely blocked off from it. That’s why they are so confident on the outside.

As a size 24 woman who also put most on during last pregnancy and have had medical issues ever since I can tell you that she absolutely knows that her weight is a problem. What isn't easy though is actually losing it. Tread carefully and say something like,you've noticed that she doesn't seem to have much energy, and does she know why? If she's open to talking she will. If not, just emphasise that you are there to talk about any issues or worries she has. Support is more likely to spur her on.