To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

Being obese is never healthy. At the very least it is going to mean increased wear and tear on your joints and harder to diagnose and operrate on some types of cancer if the lump is considerably deeper beneath the surface than it should be.

What is your weight like? If you're very slim it probably best not to do this but If you're bigger than you'd like could you start a health kick and maybe encourage her to join. Walks/healthy meals/ exercise classes?

Where does this ' shut up don't mention it' thing end.

My husband is depressed. It is starting to affect family life and his work. He know he is depressed but does nothing about it. I want him to do something about it. Should I talk to him?
Answer: Shut up. He knows. You mentioning will only make him more depressed.

My daughter is turning yellow. It's very obvious people are commenting about it so she knows. Should I talk to her?
Answer: She has a mirror. What do you think talking to her about it is going to achieve.

My son is severely underweight. It affects his day to day life. He is always tired. Does not eat enough. Health issues are starting to arise. Should I talk to him?
Answer: Shut up. He knows.

What is the point of family if you can have difficult conversations. What other health related issues is this 'shut up, don't mention it ' pushed?

The conversation about her weight is likely to pain you both.
Is it going to achieve anything?

What can you tell her that would be useful?
These are things you might intend to tell her:

1/That she is overweight.
Clearly, she knows she is seriously overweight (and will have been 'reminded' of this by her GP/hospital). Clothes sizes/daily observation of her body in the shower etc. will guide her on that!

2/Being overweight is bad for you.
Unless she is isolated from all forms of media, she will know that being overweight has a serious impact on health.

3/That being overweight comes from eating more than you use.
It is unlikely that she thinks eating snacks and takeaways are good for her figure.

4/That you have a solution to her weight problem.
Have you got knowledge of a way to lose weight and keep it off?

(If so - you could be about to make a fortune!)

Most overweight people have tried dieting and exercising (like the zumba ) many many times. The magic of eating less and moving more is well known. She will have tried this - I'm sure. It works for a while but only with supreme effort and clear focus... and most people fall back into 'ordinary' eating once again.

Do you really think she has never heard of slimming clubs - online programs- magic pills... and are you planning to inform her about these?

Are you offering her surgery? (It is something that works for some people... but is usually suggested by a GP - if you are a suitable candidate- rather than a relation.)

Do you know the root cause of her weight problem (a life-long thing) and can you do anything to change that for her?

Could this be approached from an 'I'm dreadfully worried about your breathlessness...' angle? OP need not use the 'F' word at all.

So I'm your daughter. Obviously I'm not actually your daughter but I am A daughter whose mother (ok Step DM but has been around long enough to have 'the conversation' with me) I've had a weight issue all my life. I haven't always been fat, but I have rarely not been overweight. SDM knows I have had eating issues (bulimia for many years - she doesn't know how many) and I am naturally much bigger than her (she is tiny) I kicked that about 8 years ago although I still have my inner battles.

So, I know I am obese. I deal with it all day every day. I made a decision a long time ago to not dress 'fat'. Its hard enough being fat without dressing like a frump. She may be in this frame of mind. Also we've had 'body positives' chucking their opinion at us for a long time now and its making that inner battle even harder. Should I be proud to be fat? ashamed? should I hide? should I explain myself ? Its exhausting.

At the end of the day, the only one who can lose weight is me. And I have to be in that mindset. I am at the moment. I am very slowly losing some weight and I am trying my hardest not to sabotage it all. Its bloody difficult because my body does not want to lose weight. Possibly because of all the extreme shit I've put it through for the last 35 years.

I have been on and off a diet and/or eating disorder since I was 13. Professional support is good. I had counselling and it did help me finally break that bulimia. And nothing I said in there was particularly to do with my weight.

If you need to say something, then do - but please just say you are concerned about her health and ask if there is anything you can do to help - pay for a counsellor to discuss her concerns or similar. Then stop. Don't offer to pay for some fad diet for her like my SDM did (with all good intentions) Don't offer diet advice that we all know anyway - again like SDM (you know you can replace that with a low fat version? Um. yes. I am aware thanks) and I don't get the impression you would ever do this, but don't tell her every time you call how much you weigh (yes SDM does that. She weights 8st. I probably weighed that when I was 8 years old and haven't since) The fact that you have brought it up may jolt her into action. Chances are it won't and it will just upset her - but at least you've put it out there. There's no need to do any more unless she wants to talk to you about it.

It's difficult. Maybe you could say you're worried that she doesn't seem very fit and if she wanted to get fitter, you would be happy to help and support her. Then see how that goes? It avoids discussing appearance, and is really what it's about anyway. Overweight people can look fantastic, far better than I do at more-or-less correct weight for my height and frame, it's only their heath and fitness that may be a concern. And thin people can be unhealthy and unfit too, a parent might well want to help with that just as much- it's not really about size.
I just thought that maybe fitness might be better than discussing health, as it feels less judgemental - to me, anyway. But you know her best, and what she might best respond to.

I completely agree, except I'd do it on a walk. Easier to talk to someone when you're not looking directly at them, I always found difficult conversations with kids when driving were easiest on both them and me, and the most productive. Good luck op.

The difference is that turning yellow is something that a GP would need to be notified of, maybe the person is scared and supporting them to the GP would help. If someone is depressed it is easy for them not to have realized how bad it has got (that's a symptom of depression) or they may lack motivation to go to the GP (again, a symptom of depression) - who can fix it. Someone severely underweight is likely to die much faster than someone overweight, eating disorders resulting in severe weightloss are a recognized medical condition with prescribed treatment plans available.

Obesity is an obvious condition someone has, with no currently easily accessible 'cure'. Going to a GP might result in 12 weeks of slimming world and a blood test for diabetes, however it is unlikely to result in anything actually useful or meaningful that will support the person to address the underlying reasons for weightgain.

Unless the person trying to talk about the issue is prepared to offer a genuine solution (as above) to the issue, then simply saying "you are overwieght do you think you should try to lose weight?" is not going to help.

Also, people who have never had a weigh problem have no genuine idea what it is like. I was blissfully ignorant of how difficult weightloss is when I was slim. I'd complain about losing a few lbs to fit in a dress or look better, but that weight had no real impact on my life and I had absolutely no idea just how hard it is to sustain long term weightloss in any significant amount. We aren't talking about a few weeks or months, we are talking a lifetime of self denial and abstinence.

Sorry I haven't read all of the replies.
I just wanted to tell you my story because I related a lot to what you said in your OP.
I was always a chubby kid and then a chubby teen and was about a size 18 when I turned 20. I had my first child age 21 and from there just gained more and more weight at a terrifying speed. I have 4 children and my last pregnancy I was high risk and had all the interventions associated with being very very obese. Outwardly I was the bubbly happy friend but inside I genuinely felt like I was dying slowly. I got to where it was uncomfortable to sit and play on the floor with my kids. All I really wanted to do was eat because it made me feel happy.
I booked in for a consultation for bariatric surgery and I had to have a psychologist evaluation and I can honestly say that appointment changed my life. She said she'd agree to surgery but I needed to get therapy too.
I started counselling and have addressed so many deep routed issues. Im currently approaching 6st down without surgery. I cancelled it in the end. I no longer binge eat. I can play with my kids!
I have a long way to go but I'm on the right track and most importantly I am mentally much much better. I still have difficult periods where I can feel that urge to binge creeping in again but I'm learning how to manage it now.

I encourage you to talk to her and see whats underlying for her. I honestly don't believe many people get to 20+ stone without some kind of trauma or mental health problem going on. Take care.

Good eating habits are ingrained early.

This is way too simplistic. I was raised by very health conscious parents and as soon as I had the money and the freedom, I went out and bought a ton of junk food - sweets, fizzy drinks, takeaway and more.

I wasn't allowed it as a child so it was the forbidden fruit - I went totally off the rails food wise and that's not hugely uncommon either in my experience.

I know how to cook and eat healthy foods - but frankly, most of the time I can't be bothered with the hassle so I don't bother 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not stupid and I don't need anyone intervening either - I have autism and other conditions that mean life isn't that straightforward.

People who are overweight aren't idiots - they know they need to lose weight but it's really not as simplistic as some posters are making it out to be.

Well said.

OP, I would speak to her about it. She might not like what you have to say but it sounds like it needs to be said.

We are becoming too afraid of telling truths in case they offend or upset someone - just one of the many reasons we have such an obesity problem in this country.

Please don't speak with her. It's probably enormously painful for her to talk about... If she wanted to discuss it with you she would be doing so already.

Weight and food can be such fraught issues.

Op i have been up and down with my weight all my life. Not as big as your daughter but maybe up to16 stone. The world looks at you differently when you are fat and it can be quite is iscolating. When im thin i get invited to all the parties, am treated as more intelligent in my profession (seriously!) and people are generally friendlier. Some of this is undoubtedly in my head but some of it is real.

All of this can lead to a massive loss of self esteem and confidence.

You say she has always been chubby. I almost guarantee you that she has hormonal issues (eg pcos) going on if her wieght issues started in her teens. These disorders are really common and are a downward spiral where you gain weight, the disorder gets worse and then you struggle to lose weight.

When you have a lot of weight to lose it is very disheartening as it takes so long. In your shoes i wouldn't be telling my dd she needs to lose weight - she will know that. I would focus on what she can do to lose weight.

I lost 4 stone very quickly on the fast 800 diet. My friend who was also much bigger than me did it and lost loads of weight quickly.

That keeps you going as it works and you can see the results. In your shoes i would suggest that she does that and say you will be her mentor. Buy her the books. Send her podcasts.

Dieting is much easier when you can text someone what you have eaten and what you are going to eat.

22 stone is a danger to her life. This is not about turning her into a size 8, the stress she is putting her body under is huge.

If I was your daughter, I would think "how dare she talk to me like this". I would probably never speak to you again.......................................

I also think you should speak to her.

Its important to find out the cause of the weight I think - is it a case of terrible eating habits & unhealthy choices, or are there issues with thyroid etc, or both.

I do think it’s important to discuss it and understand where this comes from. If it’s unhealthy choices It’s a good thing because this can be changed. Being severely overweight and continuing an unhealthy lifestyle will definitely affect not only your daughter but also her husband and daughter.

No one wants to be ‘told’ by another person that you think they might need help or that they are very worried about you, but imo it’s fine for your family to tell you their concerns if they are that serious. Of course it is! If someone in my close family was clearly struggling with something that was very detrimental to their daily life, of course I would tactfully say something. This is all coming from the best place- you’ve got her best interests at heart obviously, that’s all.

Good luck op xx

As an overweight person I can tell you with absolute certainty you don't need to tell her she's overweight she already knows. Why people feel the need to tell fat people they're fat blows my mind- we know, we use mirrors too! What you could do is offer to go walking with her, join a group with her for moral support, babysit so she can go to a class or group, make her dinner a night a week etc etc. But you don't need to focus on her weight to offer her that support.

Ps at her weight exercise has very little bearing. Its all diet.

I have struggled with my weight for the whole of my adult life. At my biggest I was 18st 7lbs which for my height was huge.

I think it is fine for you to speak to her but the emphasis should definitely be on what you can do to support her. Personally, I know I'm fat, I know the possible health implications, I know that I want better for my own child and lastly I do know what a healthy diet looks like and I would bet that your daughter knows these things as well. Someone telling me these things would just make me feel worse. For me, the reason that I'm so big is because I lack self control, and I comfort eat and part of that is because I hate how big I am and so it can be a really vicious cycle.

Your daughter is the only person who can make the change and she has to want it. All you can do is support her through the good and the bad days.

The only thing that my mum did was ask what she can do to support me, some of these things have included:

• Inviting me out to go swimming for a walk to get some light exercise.

• Treating me to a really nice food and exercise diary (I absolutely love filling this in each day and helps me stay on track)

• Making a healthy meal if we go round for food/ not getting any treats in unless it's a special occasion

• If we go out to eat, she will suggest somewhere that has a few healthier options rather than just junk food

• she often sends me recipes she thinks I will enjoy

Lots of just very small things but all things I have found helpful nonetheless but the biggest thing is just knowing I have her support. If I've had a bad week she just tells me that it doesn't matter and look how far I've come.

It's been a very difficult and slow process for me, often 2 steps forward and 1 step back but the main thing is that things are going in the right direction and I'm in a much better place health wise than I was this time last year.

The main thing I used to struggle with would be if I had a moment of weakness i.e eat a pack of biscuits in one sitting, I would then think "what's the point of having a healthy tea, I've ruined the day anyway" and that would then spiral into "I'll start again next week" The biggest thing for me has been the realisation and acceptance that I'm not going to be perfect every meal/ every day or even every week and that's ok. It's not a takeaway or an extra mars bar or a holiday that's made me fat it is years and years of bad habits that has slowly taken its toll. So I accept I will have off times where I still comfort eat but I no longer let that dissuade me from getting up and trying again. It has been the most amazing revelation to me and my mum was the one who made me realise this by just being kind and supportive and telling me that it's ok and to keep trying.

I think at this stage only bariatric surgery would help

A lot of posts here are saying ‘you don’t need to tell her she’s fat - she knows’ - I think that’s missing the point? Surely the point here isn’t to highlight that she is fat, but to highlight the poor health issues and the detriment to her daily life, and to look at the root causes of the situation. I don’t think anyone on earth would agree that a chat should be along the lines of telling her she’s fat! That’s not objective. The weight is almost irrelevant because it’s the choices or causes behind the weight that are important to understand- and how you can move forward improving those things X

It is a shame that it has got to this point tbh. I would have raised earlier. Gently. But definitely

However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious.

Anything that “really concerns” me about my children and their health, I will absolutely 100% speak to them about

You need to zip it! She is 29 not 9 .
I think you are remarkably arrogant to think your input will help, where health professionals have failed. She knows she is overweight and has tried and faled to address it . I think you will end up making the situation worse

So many on mumsnet and indeed society are very sensitive about weight l.

a huge contributory cause of obesity is the sensitivity around it and the hushed voices around it.

your young daughter had a very serious weight problem that not only has very very real health implications but impacts her quality of life.

Hi OP, you sound very concerned for your daughter but also sensitive to her feelings too, but she cannot possibly be unaware of it if even walking is taking it out of her.

I put on a lot of weight with peri/menopause (4 stones in 2 years) and I know people, even my GP, were avoiding using the word, but I felt so bloody rough.

I don't want to use the word 'diet' but the low carb way of eating will help your daughter lose weight, it helped me. It is actually being trialed as a way of preventing the onset of T2 diabetes which is a real risk to your daughter. Maybe you could get her some books from the library to look over, or check out the website or Facebook pages for Michael Mosley's diets and see if they would work for her, they are quite easy and healthy eating plans which emphasise wholefood eating. Not too costly either. Other diets seem to be designed to earn money for huge companies, and seem to just involve eating processed junk in smaller amounts! I'm not trying to promote this btw, and I know he does have his detractors - just to say that it helped me with losing 4 stones in 2 years (along with a lot of walking /hillwalking - no gym) and I am grateful for it.