To not want to pick up DD from work at 11 mid week

[warofthemonstertrucks]

Dd is 16 and has recently got a job in a hotel (waitressing) which is about a five minute drive from her Dads house and a 20 minute drive from mine (she is with us 65% of the time).
I work full time and we've three other kids. I'm knackered as it is and now Dd has picked up two week days shifts 5-11. Which means I have to go and get her when she finishes when she is at mine. A 40 minute round trip getting back at 11.20pm, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm really pleased she got the job and she is doing great at saving her wages. But the pick ups are an absolute killer for me. A cab would be about £25 unfortunately and I wouldn't feel super happy with her in a taxi on her own at that time of night really anyway.

Currently sitting in my pyjamas waiting to leave to go and pick her up, trying to keep my eyes open.

WIBU to tell her she can't work til this late during the week? I want to support her but I also need to get some sleep.

Some teens want to work. I worked at 16 and loved earning my own money.

Yes and being responsible also means sorting out your transport arrangements, not dumping this problem on your parents. I think she should drop those shifts or look at another arrangement.

I understand your difficulty but I think you might have to say that she only does 1 night in the week so it’s only 1 day that’s affected as a compromise.
it’s so annoying that when separating there are fathers (including my ex) who think that having their children interferes with their life too much! He should prioritise his children before his gf and staying there if he’s off work at home then it’s only reasonable to expect that she can stay there, I mean god forbid that you are even considering the impact of this on your life yet he can swan around as he pleases! Sorry for the rant

Can she get a bike or scooter? 11 isn't late, I was getting myself home at those sorts of times at that age.

Completely agree.

My teens had jobs and the one caveat was that we were not to be required for transport.
Their are loads of jobs that are available if you have parents prepared to do waiting around and collections.
Completely unrealistic IMO.

They needed public transport or a bike.
This was good advice I took from friends.

Otherwise you could be on the clock every weekend.

Not on, not doing it.
Mine did get summer jobs that were independent of us.

OP, a 40 minute round trip during the week is completely unreasonable.

Quite @Worthyornot! I wouldn't be doing a 40 minute round trip twice a week to facilitate my teenager getting a job. It's ridiculous.

Another interesting thing that I tend to notice on mumsnet as I am middle aged, is the casual ageism where the OPs time and sleep does not apparently matter, as she mainly exists to facilitate the young person's needs.

It's maybe not meant that way, but I do see it quite a lot now my antenna is alert for it.

All of this, plus what help does the hotel give to staff working lates? A relative of mine has been a hotel night porter for some time and one of his duties is providing transport to people who's shifts start or end between 11 pm and 6 am. So the hotel might well do the pick up, or pay for a taxi.

But seeing as she's so close to her dad's house, the obvious thing would be to stay there, even if it's not 'his' day. Presumably she has a key and a bed she can use? She's 16, not 6, she doesn't need supervision or looking after.

@Cancersurvivor a couple of questions - did you work full time?

And would you going out at 10.40pm have meant leaving a 7 and 9 year old asleep in the house without an adult present, for 40 mins to an hour (given the op posted earlier that they had just got back and it was 11:37pm, it sounds like the daughter doesn't necessarily get out very quickly)?

Would you be happy to leave children that young, especially given yours only living in the current house due to a house fire in your own home (that would make me particularly anxious at leaving children alone).

Don't agree (and I'm middle aged) I just see it as part of parenting. Although in this case her DF should be helping out more, it is usually left to the mother to sort and This bothers me lots more than any possible ageism.

Yanbu. I would agree to one pick up per week, and that is generous if you would normally be in bed.

Other options are tell employers i can pick up extra but have to finish at 10pm, unless it is dad's days then 11pm is fine.

For the people saying that she should be able to stay at her dads and have a key even when he is not there… yes, that should happen. But with a ex who is protective of “his time” it won’t happen and would likely be seen as a real inconvenience to his girlfriend.

I have an ex like that and it’s frustrating when people say (like my DM) “but their dad should do it”. As in that situation you know that they won’t even if they should. Mine didn’t have keys when they became teenagers as he didn’t want them there more than EOW (as the rest was “his time off”)

OP’s ex sounds like someone with a very similar attitude.

OP, I’m in bed by 10pm in winter, sometimes earlier to get up at 6.30 the next day. We all need different amounts of sleep and I understood why this expectation is really tiring for you

You are much more helpful than my mum! I had to cycle to the edge of my village then catch 2 buses to work as my parents chose to move us to a village out of town with shit buses.

I remember one day on the return journey from work it was a blizzard and I was on my bike on the unlit back road into the village. (every road into it was the same) and a guy in a van stopped and offered me a lift into the village. The weather was so bad and I was so tired and miserable I said yes.
He dropped me at home, no bother. He was very kind.
My mum bollocked me... I'd asked her to pick me up from where I'd stash my bike but she refused. If I hadn't taken the lift I'd have likely ended up off the road anyway and in a ditch due to how bad the weather was.

A 16 year old can stay on their own.

For those saying it’s too late on a school night, I completely disagree. People are different and my ds never goes to sleep
before 11/11.30.
He finishes work at either 10 or 11 but only one school night is past 10pm (he’s the youngest there and his boss understands the importance of school).

He works as a waiter in a nice venue and has 1 - 3 shifts a week in term time, depending on how many events they are hosting.
It’s a job he enjoys that pays very well for his age. In the holidays he works more and saves the money. I’m proud of his work ethic and as he has asd it has really helped him socially.
If his school grades start to suffer then of course we will rethink it, but for now he’s fine.

It’s a NO from me. Especially as you have to get up at 5.30am!!!

I need my sleep and I’ve never been a night owl.

Tell her she can’t do those late shifts unless she’s staying at her dads. She’s 16 so will be getting paid peanuts anyway.

Firstly - you are awesome - the trauma of a house fire and losing your stuff and home must be awful and it seems you are navigating the dramas thrown up by this - rural living in a rented home that was all that was available etc - brilliantly. Your dd is obv also doing well and it’s great she wants to work - I totally understand your hesitance or desire to do the late nights though. Your best option is to coach her through chatting to the boss re either finishing earlier (10pm) both nights or dropping one of the shifts so it’s just once a week. Perhaps, if she doesn’t like the idea of a ‘face to face’ chat you could help her draft a sensible, polite email making the request?

How much is the boss paying a school student to work till 11? The same as an adult would be paid?
Does she hope to do well in her A-levels? If so she’ll be at a disadvantage. But hey, if not, carry on.

I would not cope sorry, no late nights during the week.

YABU it’s for one year until she can legally drive
for those saying get a moped, is it really sensible for a 16yo girl to be driving on a moped at 11pm at night?

Oh come on, it's perfectly normal for A level students to work a couple of evenings a week and not get in the way of studying/good A level results.

It is not normal in our circles or school at all. A weekend job yes, school nights - no way.
I guess it largely depends on what grades the students are aiming for, if they are hoping to achieve a string of A*s then a job that takes up so much time, with a late finish on school nights is not conducive with high levels of attainment.

She's 16. Surely she has a key to her dad's house and can let herself in, and get a bus to school the next day.

I did things harder than that at 16.

If you simply calculate the number of study hours she is missing. My dd usually does 2-3 hours per night. So your dd is missing 6 hours a week, potentially weekends as well. She is at a massive disadvantage to other pupils when you consider this over a period of two years. I don't agree that they must all work, they have at least fifty/sixty years of employment ahead of them - why disadvantage them so early on and potentially prevent a good career/job prospects in the long term for a temp low paid job 🤔

@Thereisnolight

I got a job at 16. I worked 4 till 8 for 4 weeknights a week.

I got 8 ones at standard grade and 4 As and a B in my highers.