To not want to pick up DD from work at 11 mid week

[warofthemonstertrucks]

Dd is 16 and has recently got a job in a hotel (waitressing) which is about a five minute drive from her Dads house and a 20 minute drive from mine (she is with us 65% of the time).
I work full time and we've three other kids. I'm knackered as it is and now Dd has picked up two week days shifts 5-11. Which means I have to go and get her when she finishes when she is at mine. A 40 minute round trip getting back at 11.20pm, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm really pleased she got the job and she is doing great at saving her wages. But the pick ups are an absolute killer for me. A cab would be about £25 unfortunately and I wouldn't feel super happy with her in a taxi on her own at that time of night really anyway.

Currently sitting in my pyjamas waiting to leave to go and pick her up, trying to keep my eyes open.

WIBU to tell her she can't work til this late during the week? I want to support her but I also need to get some sleep.

I would pick my kids up. It’s only 2 nights, it’s her job, not her fault you now live rurally and have other kids. It’s just part of parenting. Get her to walk the dog though, that will give you extra time. 4 kids, you’re gonna be busy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My 17 year old finishes after 1am some nights and I just do it.

I appreciate not everyone could, but 11pm really isn't late to me.

Hi how times have changed, that’s what I would have done for my sons 27 years ago. That’s what my mum would have done for me.

The shame of it all, easily embarrassed.

at 16 though I’d suck it up and go get her. It’s only twice a week and 11.30 isn’t that late.

This. We had several here, there and everywhere at that age and toss in shift work, often minimal time between shifts, late finishes, early starts etc but it is doable. If you say no, that potentially stuffs it for them and then in a year or so when they are able to independently drive there/back themselves they no longer have the work, so a few years of inconvenience for long term gain. Kids don’t stop being kids, and you don’t get out of lack of sleep, late night, early mornings just because they are no longer toddlers! Until they get drivers license it’s still the sleep deprived bank of mum and dad.

Is she at her dads on certain specific days? Would she be comfortable saying “I can work until 11 but only on X days” rather than a flat no?

Is she getting her driver’s license soon?

Her employer must know that at 16 she can’t get herself there and back and may be flexible. It will be hard for her to ask, but it will be good practise for negotiation in future jobs.

I doubt the restaurant is going to close early so the waitress' mum can get home to bed. There are definitely flexible jobs out there but I don't think this is one of them. I found fast food chains good for my teens because they could set their available days/times within the employee app and weren't offered shifts which fell outside that range.

It’s only two nights a week? I’d do it.

Ask her to swap one evening a week to a day shift at the weekend? Then maybe encourage her to try and co-ordinate the evening work with staying at her dads. My daughter did similar at 17 and I picked her up in pjs on more than one occasion! I actually relished those times as a great time to chat. She’s just gone to Uni and I miss her like crazy!

My dad used to moan about picking me up and it left me fuming. He moved us rurally wanted me to get a job so I did but couldn't find one within walking distance. If I needed a lift at night he would moan then he wondered why I moved out the day after my 18th birthday.

I think that’s far too late on a school night.

Her father is pretty shit if he won't even help her with her first job.
Even a rid from a coworker to his house and she could stay the night or let herself in of he's not there.

Do you have a partner who could do it?

That's some very intense working hours on top of full time education! I wouldn't allow that as parent, how can she focus on her education if she's waitressing until 11pm? A bit of pocket money isn't worth it.

Exactly. He is still a parent regardless of whether you are together or not.

I think I’d encourage her to get a taxi for at least one of her shifts to take the pressure of you. I know you are not comfortable with it but it’s a life skill that she needs to get used to (and ideally so her first time using one isn’t when she’s drunk and vulnerable)

No, your job is important in that you have a responsibility to society and you need to be fully functioning. You also need to drive younger children around first thing. Your need for rest & sleep (so physical & mental well-being) trumps her need for additional pocket money. Also, surely 2 weekday shifts until 11:30 at that age are a bit much? How is she managing to get enough sleep, study all day effectively at school, and revise for exams?

It would be a no from me. Surely weekend work is ample at her age.

Agree with this. Also a bit 🤔 at the general opinion here on MN that nighttime taxis are incredibly dangerous…. Can’t help but wonder where are you all living? Taxis in my area are safe, reliable, and reasonably priced.

Not that safe for you to be driving at night and in the morning when you're tired. She'll be driving herself soon enough, I'd be asking her to save up working shifts late at night til then (and no to night time taxis/mini-cabs/ubers as well, at 16)

Your dd was wrong for agreeing to the shifts without discussing with you. Tell her she needs to drop them.

I agree with PP who say that your job is more important than hers, and being full rested so she can make the most of her education is more important than a little extra cash.

It's good that she's working and saving, but she doesn't have to stay so late. Either she can take a taxi (seems safe enough, though I understand she'd rather not spend the money) or she can use you as her excuse for why she can't work that late, since she didn't want to disappoint her employer. Besides, with someone so young and still in school, they should be understanding that late hours aren't always possible.

If dad is at his gf's then could DD stay there anyway?

Does the hotel have any staff accommodation?

What about a compromise? You collect her one shift and she gets a cab for the second?

I would, and do, do it.
I see it as a stage in parenting just like when I had to get up when it was the baby stage.
It won't last forever and good for her getting a job.

As a single parent working full time I used to pick my son up at 1am/2am on a night out after uni about once a week I’d go to bed and he’d phone. A taxi was £30. We lived rurally. It was a one hour round trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on the social aspect of uni. On one occasion so as not to disturb me he jogged home having to go through an unsavoury part of the city. I nearly had a fit.
We had some of our best conversations on these trips. It won’t last for ever.

2 evening mid week shifts plus a weekend shift sounds like a lot for a 16 year old - won’t it effect her school work? Those mid week shift days I assume include a full day of school followed by a 6 hour work shift, so 12 hours of concentration per day. Then up early again for school the next day. I would encourage her to cut down to one mid week evening shift and offer to pick her up. If you’re tired picking her up, she must also be tired.

I think it's great she has a good work ethic and has got herself a job...

I also think its a good idea to learn some useful lessons now though...

1/ If you rely on others to get you to places, they need to be involved in decisions like what shifts you take on
2/ Employers can ask, you don't have to say yes

She could switch her nights at her dads so they fall on the nights shes working.

She could tell her employer that as of x date she can't work those shifts as she has no transport home.

She could see if there is a reasonable option for a lift share.

Some employers will subsidise or even pay for a taxi home (particularly if it can be shared).

But she needs to ask these questions and advocate for herself and whilst you will bend over backwards and knacker yourself to faciliate her, she's not likely to do that. Which is fine... now.. but when she's older, it won't do her any favours!

Would do it without question whatever else I had going on, she’s only 16 and hard working. She’ll probably have had enough after a few weeks and feel more confident about changing shifts or finding something else. The next couple of years (I have a 16yo sixth former too) we are basically taxis and I know I’m going to miss DC like crazy when they leave home.