To not want to pick up DD from work at 11 mid week

[warofthemonstertrucks]

Dd is 16 and has recently got a job in a hotel (waitressing) which is about a five minute drive from her Dads house and a 20 minute drive from mine (she is with us 65% of the time).
I work full time and we've three other kids. I'm knackered as it is and now Dd has picked up two week days shifts 5-11. Which means I have to go and get her when she finishes when she is at mine. A 40 minute round trip getting back at 11.20pm, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm really pleased she got the job and she is doing great at saving her wages. But the pick ups are an absolute killer for me. A cab would be about £25 unfortunately and I wouldn't feel super happy with her in a taxi on her own at that time of night really anyway.

Currently sitting in my pyjamas waiting to leave to go and pick her up, trying to keep my eyes open.

WIBU to tell her she can't work til this late during the week? I want to support her but I also need to get some sleep.

I would, and do do it. Sometimes 3 or 4 times per week. Sure, sometimes I'm knackered and don't really want to do it but I also know I'm never in bed by 11pm. Single parent so it's always me.
I do it because I love the independence and confidence it gives my dd. Helps me that she earns her own money. It's not every night and it won't be forever. As she has gotten to know people she works with, she is sometimes able to get a lift home from colleagues

I would happily pick her up. It's only two nights out of seven. I'm impressed she is working and also that she is saving.

Those talking about taxis have no idea of the reality of living rurally.

Op hasn’t chosen to live out of town. She had to find a rental property with very short notice as her house burned down. The rental market is impossible at the moment. She won’t have chosen the location. It’s far from the younger dcs schools.

She is managing fine at school so far. She has a few days where she only has an hour and half's lessons (sixth form), so seems to catch up on rest then.

Taxi's aren't an option largely because they are non existent near us at the minute-no drivers apparently. But also insanely expensive. It would be £30 which I don't have and which would make it pointless her working at all.

I will talk to her about cutting down to one shift in the week maybe-but she won't want to ask them.

Anyway up and at em... dogs and I are going to go for a cold dark stroll before the other kids get up. Got about three hours sleep in the end as I was lying awake worrying about how tired I was going to be where I got up , such is how My brain works 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Funnily enough OP my DF was a social worker and we lived rurally. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking for a lift. I got a job in a pub that I could cycle to.
I appreciate your DD might not have a choice of where she works, but she should definitely be declining weeknight shifts.

I feel for you, I do hate picking up kids late on work nights. I am usually asleep by 10pm so it does have an impact when I have to stay up to collect. Thankfully it’s largely my son and his hobbies and he’s just gone to Uni, my DD rarely goes out so my week nights are my own again!

Could DD or one of your other children walk the dogs in the morning on the days where you have had to stay up? I really feel for you OP as I go to bed very early, and would struggle with this.

Just read your post feel for you but have been there. In my case didn’t last too long as DS learnt to drive,passed test and got himself a car. Why can’t your DD walk the dog(s) in the morning giving you extra time on the days after you’ve picked her up? Even help out getting the younger ones ready for school.

I don’t get why she can’t get a taxi from a reputable taxi company? That’s what I did when I worked. No way my mum would have come out to get me at that time!

It's not a very helpful job if she can't get there and back. I wouldn't have dreamed of getting a job I couldn't get public transport to and from or cycled.

She can get a moped if she wants to carry on with it. It's not your job to facilitate it.

Op this is going to have a huge impact on her education, it is far too late on a school night to be working. Taking two whole nights out of homework is not sustainable either if she wants to get very good grades. A temporary job is not worth throwing away her chances, and she probably won't fully recognise the impact of such lates until it is too late.

On the grounds of her education alone it would be a no from me.
Neither would I be at all happy to collect her at that time of night when I have early starts. It would not work for us at all. You have other children and commitments.

If you are keen for her to continue regardless then she needs to speak to her manager and finish at 10pm at the very latest, as a compromise. Most places are desperate for staff and may well agree to her conditions.

I would suck it up and be pleased my daughter had a job.

I understand OP!
I was in the same situation not so long ago and went along with it for a while so that my DD could actually get work experience (we live rurally).
She finally got a p/t job weekend days in the city but guess what? The trains are so unreliable I ended up driving her in more often than not & picking her up at a station 20 mins away from our local one so that she could get home!
We couldn’t win!!!

Just to add, I would do it for 2 nights a week. If she has experience of working she’ll find it easier to get a different job.

I agree. I get up at 4.45 am, there's no way I could be getting home at 11.30 pm! Your job keeps your household going, and your DD needs to take that into account too.

Could she not pick up a day shift instead around her college work? Or just say her availability is weekends?

I wouldn't be happy either if your struggling to keep your eyes open you should not be driving!

I do it for my 16yo DS, he us a performer so has worked till 11pm for a few years. He has to lack up after so it's usually midnight getting home. It's not necessarily twice every week though. I would still do it but she should have asked you first IMO. Its late to just assume its OK.

I don't think 11pm Is late for a 16y yo ro work twice a week, it's the fact thr OP has to get up so early that's an issue. Some people can't physically manage on less sleep. My DH will do it if I'm out and he starts work at 5am. He gets less tired than me.

As the parent is a social worker I am fairly sure she knows the rules about whether her daughter can work.

As she is 16 she is almost certain to be a year 12 in which case this article does not apply. It is for 16 and under, where the 16 year old has not yet reached minimum school leaving age conditions.

No advice from me, but I do sympathise, try and catch up on sleep with an early night tonight. Maybe when she feels more confident, she can ask to change days to when she stays at her Dads. My DS had a job and worked shifts, but he did drive, I couldn’t go to sleep knowing he would wake me up when he got in, not quite as bad as you having to collect, but is does impact your sleep pattern. But good on her doing those long hours, my 2 DS would never have managed that at 16.

OP do you have a partner who maybe could pick her up one of the nights to help you out?

That would be a flat no from me. With a full time job and a busy life you need your sleep! DD needs to find a job at weekends or one that finishes earlier.

It is tiring. My teens had jobs with early starts but I found taking them for then far easier than having to pick up late. Used to get my son for work for 7am and meet a colleague with a similar situation for breakfast while we waited for their shifts to end at lunch time!

You are most certainly not unreasonable for finding it exhausting.

It is a tough one. Some evenings I am so tired, it would actually be dangerous for me to drive. Couldn't she go to her dad's on the evenings she works?

I'd pick her up. It's not that late if you then go straight to bed,

It's a nice opportunity for some one to one time with her and TBH, it is part of being a parent.