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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pick up DD from work at 11 mid week

221 replies

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/10/2022 22:20

Dd is 16 and has recently got a job in a hotel (waitressing) which is about a five minute drive from her Dads house and a 20 minute drive from mine (she is with us 65% of the time).
I work full time and we've three other kids. I'm knackered as it is and now Dd has picked up two week days shifts 5-11. Which means I have to go and get her when she finishes when she is at mine. A 40 minute round trip getting back at 11.20pm, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm really pleased she got the job and she is doing great at saving her wages. But the pick ups are an absolute killer for me. A cab would be about £25 unfortunately and I wouldn't feel super happy with her in a taxi on her own at that time of night really anyway.

Currently sitting in my pyjamas waiting to leave to go and pick her up, trying to keep my eyes open.

WIBU to tell her she can't work til this late during the week? I want to support her but I also need to get some sleep.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 11/10/2022 23:17

The hotel job one summer breakfasts 5.30 am on the road saw some fabulous sunrises. Would drive in pyjamas and coat then crawl back into bed.

Original poster
warofthemonstertrucks · 11/10/2022 23:32

I didnt actively choose a rural location. Our house burned down and the rented house we are in now whilst it's being rebuilt was literally all that was available that would fit us all in

OP posts:
Original poster
warofthemonstertrucks · 11/10/2022 23:37

I have to be in at eight after dropping my 7 and 9 year olds off and driving the 40 mins to work. So I have to be up to get self, kids and animals ready at about 5.45 to leave at 7. Do able if in bed by 10, harder if still awake at 11.45. (For me anyway)
It's not a quick trip to get dd, it's a 40 minute Round trip. I'm just back now.
As it is I will carry on doing it as there is jo alternative really except she doesn't work I guess.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/10/2022 23:40

Getting back at 11.20 isn't late at all imo and is only twice a week. It's not like it'll be forever.

NCAutumn · 11/10/2022 23:42

Why can't she walk the dog?

Musti · 11/10/2022 23:43

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/10/2022 23:37

I have to be in at eight after dropping my 7 and 9 year olds off and driving the 40 mins to work. So I have to be up to get self, kids and animals ready at about 5.45 to leave at 7. Do able if in bed by 10, harder if still awake at 11.45. (For me anyway)
It's not a quick trip to get dd, it's a 40 minute Round trip. I'm just back now.
As it is I will carry on doing it as there is jo alternative really except she doesn't work I guess.

Op under your circumstances I’d tell her to only do weekend work and choose another time when she’s at her dad’s. Whilst nice, a job at that age isn’t necessary and especially with such unsociable hours. You have a job, other kids, pets and you need your rest too. 80 minutes driving on already stretched time isn’t feasible. She’ll be fine, she can get another job when you live closer.

Maybe she can work for you? Cleaning or something and you can pay her (what it would cost you in petrol to do all that driving).

iamjustwinginglife · 11/10/2022 23:46

Can't you go to bed, get a couple of hours kip then collect her in your pjs and go back to bed?

TheSmallAssassin · 11/10/2022 23:48

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/10/2022 23:40

Getting back at 11.20 isn't late at all imo and is only twice a week. It's not like it'll be forever.

It is if you have to get up before 6AM, like the OP does!

I'm with Musti, it doesn't work for your daughter to have such late shifts in the week. We can't do everything!

JessesMum777888 · 11/10/2022 23:49

I would be really proud of my 16 year old for doing this and twice a week isn’t much tbh.
can’t you go half’s with her on a can one night and pick her up one night so she can keep her job ?

L1ttledrummergirl · 11/10/2022 23:49

www.gov.uk/child-employment/restrictions-on-child-employment#:~:text=During%20school%20holidays%2015%20to,of%202%20hours%20on%20Sunday

Have a read. Children are not allowed to work before 7am or after 7pm. Yanbu, your dc employer is.

L1ttledrummergirl · 11/10/2022 23:50

From the above link:

Restrictions on child employment
There are several restrictions on when and where children are allowed to work.

Children are not allowed to work:

without an employment permit issued by the education department of the local council, if this is required by local bylaws
in places like a factory or industrial site
during school hours
before 7am or after 7pm
for more than one hour before school (unless local bylaws allow it)
for more than 4 hours without taking a break of at least 1 hour
in any work that may be harmful to their health, well-being or education
without having a 2-week break from any work during the school holidays in each calendar year

Dixiechickonhols · 11/10/2022 23:54

L1ttledrummergirl · 11/10/2022 23:49

www.gov.uk/child-employment/restrictions-on-child-employment#:~:text=During%20school%20holidays%2015%20to,of%202%20hours%20on%20Sunday

Have a read. Children are not allowed to work before 7am or after 7pm. Yanbu, your dc employer is.

That’s for children under 16 under school leaving age. I’m assuming this dd is 16 in yr 12. My dd is 16 at sixth form and can work until 11pm. They just have time restrictions and need more breaks than 18 plus. I do walk up to meet mine at 11pm but it’s at end of street.

IrisVersicolor · 11/10/2022 23:55

That’s why I asked if DD was still at school.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/10/2022 23:56

I can understand she’s nervous about turning down shifts if she’s new. I’d encourage her to see if they can schedule her on days that suit you better.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/10/2022 23:57

IrisVersicolor · 11/10/2022 23:55

That’s why I asked if DD was still at school.

Mines still at school, 16 and can work until 11pm. It depends if yr 11 or 12.

IrisVersicolor · 12/10/2022 00:07

If she’s left school there’s no issue.

But 5-11 is two school nights a week she can’t do her homework.

Doingmybest12 · 12/10/2022 00:10

I think you have to be honest with her about if this is doable or not. It is fine to say sorry only weekends or ask your dad to help. It is part of learning about making decisions, balancing one thing against another. Or is there another parent at home who can take the pressure off in the mornings? We did some running around collecting from work in the evenings but it was about a 25 min round trip and not quite that late. Not sure I'd have done 40 mins. I would also say that is late for her on a school night. Nothing wrong with your young person understanding about is ok to have boundaries but being supportive where you can and within reason.

Cancersurvivor · 12/10/2022 00:12

Her employers should make sure she has a safe lift home, they are the ones that are offering her these unsocial working hours, your daughter must have said she has a safe lift home, ie mums coming to get me.

Phone your daughters employer and see if the can accommodate better working hours for her, or arrange a lift home for her.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 12/10/2022 00:13

Having been there, done that with slightly older children, home by midnight is my limit on weeknights.

It's not ideal and I'd definitely prefer a longer sleep, but the odd short night here and there won't kill me, I can catch up.

I do think if you've chosen to a live a way out of town that you should probably do a little more than you normally would agree to, so your kids don't miss out on things.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 12/10/2022 00:14

Cancersurvivor · 12/10/2022 00:12

Her employers should make sure she has a safe lift home, they are the ones that are offering her these unsocial working hours, your daughter must have said she has a safe lift home, ie mums coming to get me.

Phone your daughters employer and see if the can accommodate better working hours for her, or arrange a lift home for her.

Oh dear god, don't do that! How inappropriate, and mortifying for her.

TheChosenTwo · 12/10/2022 00:21

Arghhh I feel your pain! At 17 dd was working at a hotel about 15 minutes away and finishing at midnight. I’m not an early to bed person though and I don’t (fortunately!) need that much sleep. Dh was usually out for the count and just said to get her to book a taxi but I have a weird hangup from being a teen and never having parents that would pick me up from anywhere and if lead to making me feel rather uncared for (other factors at play too here, not just that!).
so I always vowed that where possible I would pick her up. It was once or twice during the week and then Friday and Saturday nights for the best part of a year.
The nights she was late out were the worst!
it’s not forever, that’s all I can say. Sorry her dad doesn’t seem to be much use in helping 😕

aluminiumwaterbottle · 12/10/2022 00:22

@Cancersurvivor

God no. My dad did that when I was 18 working late shifts. I happily got a taxi but he worried about me. One day he phoned my boss and demanded they pay for my taxi’s. He got me sacked. I didn’t speak to him for a month.

Starryskiesinthesky · 12/10/2022 00:29

I would want to support my child having a job but I am lucky that I don't go to bed that early. I don't relish late pick ups but would do it.

transformandriseup · 12/10/2022 00:31

I'm feeling guilty now because my dad did this for me finishing at the same time for around two years before I could drive starting from 16, we also lived rural and if he hadn't picked me up I don't think I would have been able to work at all.

LumpyandBumps · 12/10/2022 00:39

I used to collect my daughter twice weekly at 10.00pm, and that was only a 5 minute journey each way.
I could never properly relax on those evenings until we got home. I was so pleased when she passed her driving test.

In your position I wouldn’t want to leave a 7 and 9 YO whilst going out to collect DD. I don’t think it reasonable for her job to mean that you can only get around 6 hours sleep when you have 3 other children and a full time job to consider. I appreciate that a good work ethic is very important, but your DD also needs to realise that parents can’t always enable transport.

Your reason for living rurally is in itself stressful. It wasn’t your choice and there is no need to wear yourself out due to any misplaced feelings of guilt.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say you can only collect a bit earlier, or maybe just one weekday evening. Her employer must know that at 16 she can’t get herself there and back and may be flexible. It will be hard for her to ask, but it will be good practise for negotiation in future jobs.