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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pick up DD from work at 11 mid week

221 replies

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/10/2022 22:20

Dd is 16 and has recently got a job in a hotel (waitressing) which is about a five minute drive from her Dads house and a 20 minute drive from mine (she is with us 65% of the time).
I work full time and we've three other kids. I'm knackered as it is and now Dd has picked up two week days shifts 5-11. Which means I have to go and get her when she finishes when she is at mine. A 40 minute round trip getting back at 11.20pm, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm really pleased she got the job and she is doing great at saving her wages. But the pick ups are an absolute killer for me. A cab would be about £25 unfortunately and I wouldn't feel super happy with her in a taxi on her own at that time of night really anyway.

Currently sitting in my pyjamas waiting to leave to go and pick her up, trying to keep my eyes open.

WIBU to tell her she can't work til this late during the week? I want to support her but I also need to get some sleep.

OP posts:
NotJustAnybody · 12/10/2022 07:41

Bottom line is, she doesn't have to work, you do. You have 3 other kids.
It's great she wants to work but not at the detriment to your health.

gogohmm · 12/10/2022 07:44

If her dad isn't even there, why can't she just sleep there if it's so close, she's 16. She needs to be negotiating her own days with her dad by that age anyway, set days are for little ones

babyyodaxmas · 12/10/2022 07:44

I'd do it TBH (I have) it is a pain but it's not your daughter's fault there is no public transport. Sometimes I have a little nap if I have to do a late one could you sleep for an hour after your evening meal ( 8 or 9pm?)

babyyodaxmas · 12/10/2022 07:46

She can definitely take the dogs out for you.

FamilyTreeBuilder · 12/10/2022 07:52

warofthemonstertrucks · 11/10/2022 22:32

Yes she can work 8 hours before midnight

That's not right.

DD started working for a large retail chain when she was 16 which regularly does late nights and sales opening at silly o'clock and she's not allowed to do late nights at all.

www.gov.uk/child-employment/restrictions-on-child-employment

Not allowed to work before 7am of after 7pm, different rules at weekends.

Benjispruce4 · 12/10/2022 07:55

DD did this but I had DH so we took it in turns . 11 isn’t late for me. At weekends she was sometimes as late as 1am.
Problem is hotels and pubs need those evenings covered as less popular. Are you on your own with smaller kids? Then obviously you can’t leave them to pick her up.

Ducksurprise · 12/10/2022 07:57

Op this is going to have a huge impact on her education, it is far too late on a school night to be working.

I don't believe it is, all my older children did the same, my current teens do similar and every one of their friends work, many of them for more hours. Not working at 16 for many is a luxury they cannot afford. It also teaches them so much, time management, budgeting, behaviour, gives them confidence etc.

rookiemere · 12/10/2022 08:04

You can tell the night owls here and the people who don't need as much sleep.
Newsflash - we're all different. If OP could manage without being exhausted I doubt she would have posted here.

I'm happy to drop DS off for early morning gym sessions at school but it was DH who picked him up at 11.30pm from the airport after his trip.

As to the answer- unfortunately I think you need to prioritise your own work, unless you find your body gets a bit more used to it.

MrsMitford3 · 12/10/2022 08:05

@warofthemonstertrucks I feel for you-I am naturally a lark-early to bed and early to rise and for me that is very late to go to bed 2 nights a week- think you are doing the right thing to support her but needs tweaking so you can both cope.

My dd had a nursery job which was incredibly hard to get to by public transport-a 25 ish min drive would take her nearly 2 hours so we said we'd drive her and even sharing that became a slog. I
think it is ok to tell DD she has to say she needs to finish at 10 when you are collecting her.

Her job does teach her time management, budgeting, behaviour, gives them confidence etc but it also can teach her boundaries and that sometimes she has to say no to shifts etc as she needs to be thoughtful of you as well.

kateandme · 12/10/2022 08:08

Op is this to continue for a while?is your rebuild got long to go?
I no it’s hard.we’ve been there.we were just so proud Brie her to getting it after such a hard road that two shifts a week didn’t in the end add up to anything at all. I get though how body clocks differ so much from person to person.and you need to be well.
have you discussed this too her. I mean sat and discussed in a nice calm way not a fractured I’m knackered can’t do this way? I don’t no what,but could there be an answer to this if talked through.
i don’t no the answer here.
but I feel for you so much.
sleep is a need.a must for us as a family.
couod anyone else pick up the slack the other end so you could get that extra hour?

Snowpatrolling · 12/10/2022 08:13

I would pick her up. I start work at 6.30am I think it’s fantastic she has a good work ethic.
but then I don’t really sleep!

Beezknees · 12/10/2022 08:15

I don't own a car and I've always said to DS if he wants to work, he needs to get himself there and back. That's what I did at 16. We have excellent public transport though.

Jamaisy82 · 12/10/2022 08:15

It's a hard one but I know I'd pick my daughter up despite being tired. Hopefully the job won't be for too long and can find something a bit closer.

dottiedodah · 12/10/2022 08:22

Love that dad can't" have her!when has a mum ever said that. Anyway what about a taxi one night maybe? The ones here we precooked and they say something like Daniel in a black skoda is your driver. Safety ensured. One night 🌙 maybe doable.could she change her shift to dad's night maybe or look elsewhere for better hours before winter sets in and you will be out in minus 2 or whatever

MaChienEstUnDick · 12/10/2022 08:23

I think you have to suck it up, unfortunately. As you say, you wouldn't have chosen to live rurally but you have so there's going to be a certain amount of hassle associated with that which you didn't really sign up for.

That said, she absolutely 100% should be walking the dogs so you can get an extra half hour in bed. That would be non-negotiable.

CatchersAndDreams · 12/10/2022 08:27

What is your solution OP? SW is very solution based practice so what can you do to make this work for you and dd?

A moped seems a good suggestion. Christmas is coming, can she save half and you pay the other half for a Christmas present.

She can walk the dogs in the morning if you're picking her up late.

If it's only till Christmas it's manageable.

Thereisnolight · 12/10/2022 08:27

You’re too tired to work when you have to collect her late.

Is she not too tired for school?

rookiemere · 12/10/2022 08:29

Whilst a moped is. good, practical suggestion, I'm not sure I'd be much happier with a teen driving home on rural roads that are likely to be icy at that time of night. One of our Dnephews had a major accident in one as they leave you so vulnerable on the road.

Thereisnolight · 12/10/2022 08:29

She’s in 6th form - give her a break. Pay for her so she doesn’t have to work and can focus on her education.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/10/2022 08:35

You said ‘we’ so can your partner walk the dogs? Or just let them out for a wee and walk them later? I also don’t understand why she can’t stay at her Dad’s even if he’s not there?

MeridianB · 12/10/2022 08:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2022 22:43

She should have discussed this with you before taking the shifts. You’ve got a job and 3 other children who all rely on you. You’re daft to have agreed to this, it’s not fair on anyone else. No midweek shifts unless she’s staying at dad’s, or she arranges a lift or pays for her own taxi.

I agree with this. It’s part of learning about the responsibility of working and what things cost.

Tigerblue4 · 12/10/2022 08:38

DD is a bit older, but when she's home from uni we pick her up late. DH moans like crazy (and in all fairness he's up at 5.45am), but I'm proud that she's working either for saving or to support herself. She does have the option of catching the hourly bus (about 15mins walk from work), but just misses one - from a safety point of view, I don't want her standing on the main road for 55 mins waiting for a bus (a girl was picked up from next bus down many years ago and murdered, so that helped me focus on what's most important).

Also, moving forward, it's easier to get a job if you've already worked. DD has done a few temporary jobs over time, but they've all given her different elements of experience.

Notsureaboutusername · 12/10/2022 08:39

Could she get herself a provisional driving licence & a moped? If you live rural it would be a win win situation.

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 08:44

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Charlavail · 12/10/2022 08:46

My mum would never pick me and DSis up when we finished work at 10:30 on a Friday night. Fortunately we had each other for company as it was an hours walk and no buses running. Literally anything could have happened to us. It still pisses me off 14 years later.