DH being friends with a girl half his age

[PleaseBeHonest]

DH is 47 and this girl is in her twenties. She used to work for him, he was her manager. At the time, things weren’t great between DH and I. He was coming home every day in a foul mood, not even acknowledging me most nights. He’d then blame the stress of work. However, he then talked about how much fun he had at work and that they “spent the whole day laughing”. He mentioned a few colleagues but this one (the girl) he mentioned more than most. I actually lost my temper with him because he was mentioning her so much.

Then she found another job and left the company about 6 months ago. I thought that would be the end of it.

Then at the weekend DH showed me his phone and I could see that there was a conversation between the two of them. Basically she was asking him if he was going to someone’s leaving do and he said he wasn’t. All innocent enough, but why are they still in contact? Especially as I had raised concerns about her in the past.

DH said they were friends 🙄. AIBU to have an issue with a 47 year old MARRIED man being friends with a girl in her twenties?

Just for background, I have NEVER had an issue with anyone else DH has worked with ever. Just this one girl.

It’s not being ‘discussed’. It’s being tediously re-pointed out by dullards.

Yes, woman is more appropriate than girl. Agreed. Now MOVE ON.

Do you routinely go home in a foul mood to your partner? And delete the texts from your 53YO colleague?

If not, that whooshing sound is the point flying right over your head.

Yes but that is your concept of it and many are not. Can I be nosy and ask how often you chat and what kind of things do you chat about? I never understand why a married woman would need to cat about - what? _ or send memes or whatever to another man or is it about the job?

Chat about or maybe cat about 😂

Why keep bringing it up if you think the discussion needs to move on?

Not that it’s up to you to say what women can discuss on here anyway. A women can’t be silenced by a girl.

I've always got on with colleagues of all ages. When I was in my 20s I was on very friendly terms with men and women in their 40s and 50s.

Yes to this. One of my best friends in work is 15/16 years older than me. I'm nearly 45 and he's 60. We've worked together for a long time and we get on well and have a laugh. There's never been any hint that he fancies me or any inappropriate behaviour. In fact he's friends with lots of people in work of both sexes and all ages. He's just a very affable, likeable guy. Occasionally we'll message outside of work but it is usually work related chat. Heaven forbid a man and a woman might actually get on. Where's my pearls?

But does he go home, treat his wife poorly, and talk about you all night long?
Probably not, and that is the difference

🥱

Again- do they go home, treat their wives like shit, and talk about you all night long?
Do you really not see how that would be an issue?

So many women posting here who have or had apparently strong friendships at work with men 15-30 years older than them. Only one woman who is friends with a younger man - and still says she wouldn't message outside work.

Given all these men are absolutely only in it platonically, isn't it odd how their older and heavier female colleagues just never seem to be good at friendship? 🤔

Couldn’t agree more with this x

@PleaseBeHonest, I think something illicit has been going on.

(1) He was creating distance between you by being perpetually grumpy and hardly acknowledging you.

(2) He was incongruent. He blamed stress at work for his contemptuous behavior, but would then turn around and exalt the fun and laughter he enjoyed there. You were concerned about his constant mentionitis of this much younger colleague, but at some point the leakage suddenly stopped.

Of course, mentionitis is a feature of the Script, and in many cases its abrupt cessation is a signal that a line has been crossed.

(3) You never met this woman who meant so much. She left 6 months ago, but you recently saw messages on H’s phone. You are surprised that are in contact. She inquired if he’d be at a gathering and he said no. He’d deleted the rest of their messages.

@PleaseBeHonest, I’m seeing his contempt and disregard; your unsettled feelings re his incessant mentioning of a female junior colleague and the sudden end of that; and his (unbeknownst to you) texting relationship with her that he has been deleting.

This could be a one-sided crush, but I think boundaries have been crossed with her. His deleting their messages is a huge red flag that suggests an inappropriate dynamic. In my view, the exchange about the leaving party isn’t significant. She was just inquiring if he was going. If they are in regular contact, they’ll see each other another time.

Are you going to speak to him, @PleaseBeHonest, or continue to investigate?

All seemed probably fine until the deleting of messages….

OP-can I just ask how you know messages were deleted? Does it actu3say "Deleted message"? Or are you just assuming he's deleted some messages because there aren't any there?

That should say "does it actually say" Deleted message".

@SallyWD because I checked his phone a few months back and there were other messages. Now there are just the two messages.

What were the other messages like? Or did you not read the conversation?

My ex dh became friendly with a woman half his age who we both met in a queue at an event.
he then arranged to meet her at the next event, which I wasn’t going to, and told me the Morning he was going he’d arranged it. I got the same response on here, he is allowed friends etc, would you mind if it was a male etc.
but he’d never ever done anything like it before, and it wasn’t a male. It felt off. I knew him inside out and I knew something was wrong. He worked with mainly women, I’d never been worried before.. as it happens she turned up to meet him with her boyfriend. However, I was right, he left me 6 months later. Not for that woman, but it was an indication he didn’t care about me. Trust your instincts.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Interesting that you imply the people who think these situations are often inappropriate are somehow uptight, unlike the cool women who are Friends With Men.
You do realise not everyone is posting from the perspective of an 'insecure' wife, but some of us are looking at it from our experience of being a younger woman these men 'befriend'?
If you've had an older men as a friend who showed no sexual interest in you, great. So have I. Once. Compared to numerous times nice married Brian proved himself to have ulterior motives.
Dismissing reasonable concerns about these things as pearl clutching based on your one experience is very naive.

It is possible that he’s checked out of your relationship. What is it that YOU really want? I would focus on achieving that if you can. and 💐

Thanks to everybody for your posts. I have given it a lot of thought. Just to clarify, I have NEVER had an issue with any of his female friends or colleagues in the past. Just this one. Call it intuition but I just had a gut feeling a couple of years ago that something wasn’t right: they were either more than friends or one or both of them wanted to be.

The fact that she left the company 6 months ago and they are still in contact and he’s deleted their messages just reinforces that.

So? What you do or don’t mind has literally zero to do with this thread unless you’re the woman in question.

I think that comment was in response to the tedious derail.

@PleaseBeHonest - don’t worry, some of us get it. Nothing to do with men and women having friendships, which every numpty knows is entirely normal. It’s to do with when you feel like something is amiss.

Thanks @StupidSmallFruit. The problem is, what do I do about it?