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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH being friends with a girl half his age

136 replies

PleaseBeHonest · 10/10/2022 07:16

DH is 47 and this girl is in her twenties. She used to work for him, he was her manager. At the time, things weren’t great between DH and I. He was coming home every day in a foul mood, not even acknowledging me most nights. He’d then blame the stress of work. However, he then talked about how much fun he had at work and that they “spent the whole day laughing”. He mentioned a few colleagues but this one (the girl) he mentioned more than most. I actually lost my temper with him because he was mentioning her so much.

Then she found another job and left the company about 6 months ago. I thought that would be the end of it.

Then at the weekend DH showed me his phone and I could see that there was a conversation between the two of them. Basically she was asking him if he was going to someone’s leaving do and he said he wasn’t. All innocent enough, but why are they still in contact? Especially as I had raised concerns about her in the past.

DH said they were friends 🙄. AIBU to have an issue with a 47 year old MARRIED man being friends with a girl in her twenties?

Just for background, I have NEVER had an issue with anyone else DH has worked with ever. Just this one girl.

OP posts:
whattodo22222 · 10/10/2022 09:49

I think you should trust your gut on this one. What do you think he is getting out of it and does that sit right with you? I'm 33 and worked in a team with 2 men who are now 50 and 56. I left the company in 2018 but last week I met them both for lunch with my new baby, we just always took an genuine interest in each others' lives. So I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it, but each situation is unique.

DuchessOfSausage · 10/10/2022 09:50

Mentionitis, not letting you see who his Facebook friends are, deleted messages apart from one innocent one, grumpy at home, ... all point to an affair or emotional affair. Sorry OP but I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

KimberleyClark · 10/10/2022 09:55

I think there's nothing wrong with friendships in the workplace when you're not the same age - however you know your husband, if this is unusual for him / he had mentionitus / you're getting a weird feeling - then that's a reason to be feeling weird about it. It's the same as it being normal for someone to work late, but if it sets senses tingling then it's dependant on the individual situation.

I agree there’s nothing wrong with friendships in the workplace, but I do think that if it’s an opposite sex friendship, being in one to one contact outside of work when you don’t actually work in the same place anymore is crossing a line somewhat.

Zingy123 · 10/10/2022 10:01

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 10/10/2022 09:48

There's always one.

Yes there's always one who uses the correct terminology.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/10/2022 10:04

KimberleyClark · 10/10/2022 09:55

I think there's nothing wrong with friendships in the workplace when you're not the same age - however you know your husband, if this is unusual for him / he had mentionitus / you're getting a weird feeling - then that's a reason to be feeling weird about it. It's the same as it being normal for someone to work late, but if it sets senses tingling then it's dependant on the individual situation.

I agree there’s nothing wrong with friendships in the workplace, but I do think that if it’s an opposite sex friendship, being in one to one contact outside of work when you don’t actually work in the same place anymore is crossing a line somewhat.

What the actual fuck? I'm male, by best friend of 30 years is female. We go to the cinema just the two of us, to dinner, out for drinks, let alone having a one to one convo over whatsapp. My partner has no issue with it, why should she?

What if it's a gay man, is he not allowed one to one conversations with other gay men, in case they end up sleeping together?

Absolutely ridiculous.

Istolethecookies · 10/10/2022 10:06

I wouldn’t be bothered if DH was friends with a woman half his age.. I would be bothered if DH was coming home in a foul mood and not acknowledging me though.

bingbummy · 10/10/2022 10:09

"why are they still in contact? Especially as I had raised concerns about her in the past." - because he doesn't respect you.

Age goes out the window when you start work. My best friend at work was a 40-odd year old man when I was in my early twenties, all completely platonic.

However if he had been married I would not have perused that relationship. We even went on holiday together, both single.

There's no good reason for him to be friends with this person, especially when he knows it makes you uncomfortable.

I'd be asking for counselling and try to get my marriage back on track, or I'd ask him to separate, perhaps not physically if you have children, but romantically.

Shiningstarr · 10/10/2022 10:09

*What the actual fuck? I'm male, by best friend of 30 years is female. We go to the cinema just the two of us, to dinner, out for drinks, let alone having a one to one convo over whatsapp. My partner has no issue with it, why should she?

What if it's a gay man, is he not allowed one to one conversations with other gay men, in case they end up sleeping together?

Absolutely ridiculous.*

For the OP, it's not as black and white as this though.

Perhaps you need to read her opening post again.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/10/2022 10:18

Shiningstarr · 10/10/2022 10:09

*What the actual fuck? I'm male, by best friend of 30 years is female. We go to the cinema just the two of us, to dinner, out for drinks, let alone having a one to one convo over whatsapp. My partner has no issue with it, why should she?

What if it's a gay man, is he not allowed one to one conversations with other gay men, in case they end up sleeping together?

Absolutely ridiculous.*

For the OP, it's not as black and white as this though.

Perhaps you need to read her opening post again.

I've read the OP, and a miserable husband taking out his stress and anger on her is her problem, not the fact that he has a friendship with a woman.

Hell, her entire evidence of his transgressions is that he's brushed this woman off when she's invited him on a works night out. They surely must be shagging!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 10/10/2022 10:18

Zingy123 · 10/10/2022 10:01

Yes there's always one who uses the correct terminology.

There's always another one.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 10/10/2022 10:19

You have absolutely every right to be worried and concerned about this. I know people hate this name but I'm going to say this. I absolutely fucking hate the 'cool wives' and 'cool girlfriends' on here who are (allegedly) absolutely fine with their husbands being BFFs with some other woman who they don't know themselves. (Often work women who make themselves a BFF to a married man and LOVE the quirky little friendship they have with them.) Hmm

Of course, there's nothing wrong with women being friends with married men, (whether it's single women being friends with married men or married women being friends with married men, blah blah blah.) But sometimes you just know when it's something a little bit more than that, when he's treating you like shit, and you're being excluded from their friendship, and particularly when she doesn't want to know you. You know, the 'oh I just get on soooo much better with MEN' type of woman.

There was a woman at my husband's workplace about 10-11 years ago that worked there a couple of years. They were roughly the same age, and for some reason she assigned herself as his work wife and his new best friend and laughed at absolutely everything he said, and kept messaging him on facebook and 'liking' everything he posted.. and putting 'HAHAHAHA you're hilarious' with LOL-ing smileys everywhere.

When we went on day trips for instance, I'd put 25 pictures on Facebook and tag him in. There would be 10 scenic ones. 5 of both of us, 5 of me, and 5 of him. She was on his friends list, I was not. (As I said earlier, these women don't want to know the wife!) Every single time I put these pictures on, she would go and 'like' and comment on all 5 pictures of him, but would completely ignore every single one of me and the ones with two of us on. (And all the scenic ones.)

When I popped into work with him once and she was there, she was all over him and laughing and giggling, and completely turned her back on me and completely ignored me. She said 'oh ha ha ha careful - we don't want people talking about us, thinking there's something going on,' and gently punched his shoulder and giggled. The woman was fucking 42. She acted like a 14 year old girl.

DH said 'well, why would they say that?' and seemed actually a bit annoyed by what she said. After that he went quite cold on her as he felt she was a trouble maker. But up to then he was happy with the 'banter.' Looks like SHE wanted it to be more than that and was trying to stir the pot. She acted like she wished I wasn't there, like I was some kind of threat. I was glad when she left to be honest.

But yeah, as previous posters have said, it's right that some men can't be arsed to put any effort into relationships and let the wife do all the grunt work, domestic duties, childcare etc. But then will be all over the women at work. And they are absolutely flattered by the attention, and they will absolutely love it if the wife is jealous.

My husband's been like this a couple of times in the past when women have been interested in at work. Likes the attention. (Don't ALL men!) But don't realise how upsetting it is for his wife, and also disgustingly fucking disrespectful. Funnily enough, when any men talk to me or want to be friends with me, he doesn't like it. Up to about 9-10 years ago, he used to say 'who is that fucking ugly loser talking to you?' So he has gotten very jealous when men are talking to me, but it's OK women want to talk to HIM.

One man was very friendly and chatty with me with me about 10 years ago - a man who went to the pub we go to, and DH did not like it at all. OK for women to chat incessantly to him and pay HIM attention though. When this man asked me out for a drink sometime, even knowing I was married, DH was shocked and angry, and he pretty much stopped any friendships with work women from then,

Didn't like the bitter taste of his own medicine!

Anyway, we're fine now. He's not arsed with female attention. And I am NOT arsed with male attention. Fuck that!

girlmom21 · 10/10/2022 10:23

I was going to tell you you're overreacting because IME the receptionist is the person you go and chat to and have a laugh with when you need to get away from your desk for 10 minutes but he's deleted all their previous conversations so now I'm suspicious.

Shiningstarr · 10/10/2022 10:27

Hell, her entire evidence of his transgressions is that he's brushed this woman off when she's invited him on a works night out. They surely must be shagging!

But he has deleted all of their previous conversations aswell. I think there's probably a lot more to it than just being friendly.

oakleaffy · 10/10/2022 10:33

''Mentionitis'' is a red flag from me, too.

As is the ''We spend the day laughing''

He may well fancy her like mad, hopefully it won't be reciprocated.

My ex H had mentionitis and did end up marrying the 'Mentioned' one after a very painful divorce.

The mentioned was a significantly older woman, I wasn't suspicious because of this... more fool me!

The second marriage didn't last, but even so... beware of mentionitis.

Arenanewbie · 10/10/2022 10:38

Was it a one off contact about leaving do? If so, I wouldn’t think too much about this. However I wouldn’t like them being in contact as friends it would look very odd to me.
My DH is on friendly terms with people of different ages through work, they often keep in touch after leaving but all their communications are strictly related to work: they share info about vacancies, events etc. There will be an element of how are you/ how is life but it will be secondary.

PugInTheHouse · 10/10/2022 10:41

The age if her is irrelevant, work colleagues ages vary hugely so that wouldn't be odd to me, it's whether there is something more to their relationship that's the issue. When I was 22 I left my first job, one of my closest colleagues was a 50 yo male. He was married with kids (definitely not a player) and we would still meet for lunch etc after I left. Never anything in it whatsoever.

Anon778833 · 10/10/2022 10:45

YANBU. Id be surprised if he doesn’t have some sort of interest in her. What could they possibly have in common for a genuine friendship? Some people kid themselves about this sort of thing because they don’t want to see the truth. So it’s good that you see it for what it is.

BorisisaLune · 10/10/2022 10:46

Are you kidding @QuizzlyBears ? There's only one reason a 47-year-old man is friends with a girl half his age and it's not because he's interested in her personality

Very true as i learnt to my cost.

My OH struck up a friendship with a (very attractive) woman in her mid 20s (he was mid 50s at the time)

I thought this a little odd and my antennae went up, turns out you were correct, he wasn't interested in her personality at all but in her Dog, a breed he'd always wanted as a child and was taking it for walks (on his own) when she was WFH - we ended up with her living with us FT, the dog not the woman!

OverTheRubicon · 10/10/2022 10:53

There are so many women posting here about how in their 20s and 30s they have (/had) male work friends who were 20+ years older, who gave them great advice, took them for lunch, nothing more than friends.

That may have been how you felt. I used to feel the same. Then I got older and saw it from the other side, and think absolutely no way.

Even the men that wouldn't want to actually cheat are usually loving the feeling of that close relationship with a younger woman, and/or the ego boost of being sought for advice and seen in public together. As these same women grow older, and also as they get more senior, somehow they seem a lot less worthy of these close work friendships than colleagues half their age.

Doesn't mean you can't keep these relationships up, if you're both enjoying it and getting along so long as you have your eyes open to what they generally mean.

Anon778833 · 10/10/2022 10:55

OverTheRubicon · 10/10/2022 10:53

There are so many women posting here about how in their 20s and 30s they have (/had) male work friends who were 20+ years older, who gave them great advice, took them for lunch, nothing more than friends.

That may have been how you felt. I used to feel the same. Then I got older and saw it from the other side, and think absolutely no way.

Even the men that wouldn't want to actually cheat are usually loving the feeling of that close relationship with a younger woman, and/or the ego boost of being sought for advice and seen in public together. As these same women grow older, and also as they get more senior, somehow they seem a lot less worthy of these close work friendships than colleagues half their age.

Doesn't mean you can't keep these relationships up, if you're both enjoying it and getting along so long as you have your eyes open to what they generally mean.

Exactly right ^^

missmamiecuddleduck · 10/10/2022 11:14

OverTheRubicon · 10/10/2022 10:53

There are so many women posting here about how in their 20s and 30s they have (/had) male work friends who were 20+ years older, who gave them great advice, took them for lunch, nothing more than friends.

That may have been how you felt. I used to feel the same. Then I got older and saw it from the other side, and think absolutely no way.

Even the men that wouldn't want to actually cheat are usually loving the feeling of that close relationship with a younger woman, and/or the ego boost of being sought for advice and seen in public together. As these same women grow older, and also as they get more senior, somehow they seem a lot less worthy of these close work friendships than colleagues half their age.

Doesn't mean you can't keep these relationships up, if you're both enjoying it and getting along so long as you have your eyes open to what they generally mean.

Spot on.
Ask men and they'll have very different views about it.

ihatesteve · 10/10/2022 11:17

Im in my 40's and work with someone in his 20's. We are work friends becuase we work with each other. I dont message him out of work and would be horrified if he messaged me. I'm superior to him. Totally inappropriate on a number of levels.

That said some young people keep in touch with literally everyone they have ever met - a text only takes secobds to send - its your dh's response to it that is worrying.

DHProblem · 10/10/2022 11:19

My DP is in his early-50s and has been friends for a while with a girl in her mid-20s, we are all in the same area of work but for different companies. He's always said there's nothing in it (for him at least) but she is flirty with him when we are all at work events and occasionally I will spot a social media post from her with them 'having fun' together at an event where I haven't been able to make it and it really pisses me off. She's absolutely beautiful and he obviously enjoys the attention. He thinks of himself as being very 'young at heart' (I'm several years younger than him myself) so maybe he doesn't see the age gap as much as outsiders do. She's a smart, funny girl, I actually like her as a person, but she has told me several times that she likes much older men, without mentioning him in particular. I trust him (99%, anyway...) and I really don't think anything is going on but it's hugely irritating and I am always on edge when she's around. I think both the younger woman and older man in these scenarios both get a frisson out of their friendship and I don't actually think it always leads to anything, but the fact you are pissed off (and, most importantly, that he's a bit of a shit to you at home) should be enough for him to show some respect and back off considerably.

ObviouslyHeGetsFed · 10/10/2022 14:51

In my first job as a late teen while at uni I got on really well with my male married manager. He was late 30s/early 40s. Never anything in it, not even harmless flirting. His girlfriend (now wife) worked away so he came on nights out with us and to student gigs. I moved home after university and we now live 6hrs drive away but we are still social media friends and we have a chat a few times a year or often send memes or memories. Ive never actually met his wife and was not invited to their wedding or met their kids. Unsure if she even knows I exist. I dont think its odd, we are friends.

MRSE20 · 10/10/2022 15:12

I started my first job at 15 and left at 25
I became friends with colleagues who are double and triple my age
One of my close friends is a 70 year old woman and I remain friends with a couple of the guys there who are 50/60 year old married men (message, speak every so often) and I invited them to my wedding with their wives and children
Most workplaces are very age diverse

My partner is 30 and his closest work mate is 18/19 (they go out pub every so often etc and text a lot outside of work)

I go out with old work friends for drinks every so often who are double my age and we always have a great time

I think you are overthinking this
There is a big difference between your husband flirting and secretly messaging a 20 year old or just having general platonic chat

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