DH being friends with a girl half his age

[PleaseBeHonest]

DH is 47 and this girl is in her twenties. She used to work for him, he was her manager. At the time, things weren’t great between DH and I. He was coming home every day in a foul mood, not even acknowledging me most nights. He’d then blame the stress of work. However, he then talked about how much fun he had at work and that they “spent the whole day laughing”. He mentioned a few colleagues but this one (the girl) he mentioned more than most. I actually lost my temper with him because he was mentioning her so much.

Then she found another job and left the company about 6 months ago. I thought that would be the end of it.

Then at the weekend DH showed me his phone and I could see that there was a conversation between the two of them. Basically she was asking him if he was going to someone’s leaving do and he said he wasn’t. All innocent enough, but why are they still in contact? Especially as I had raised concerns about her in the past.

DH said they were friends 🙄. AIBU to have an issue with a 47 year old MARRIED man being friends with a girl in her twenties?

Just for background, I have NEVER had an issue with anyone else DH has worked with ever. Just this one girl.

Meh one of my best friends is 50 year old man and I’m 29

we met at work! Don’t see the issue

Good for you.
Would you see an issue if you knew he had been talking about you excessively at home, playing his wife off against you, telling her what fun he'd had with you while being unpleasant to her? Deleting messaging with you as though he had something to hide?

@5128gap

If I felt like the op did I’d just break up with the person. Her husband has proven in trustworthy - but I’m just saying that being friends with someone who is much younger than him is not the issue here. There’s more going on.

If you have a friendship with an older man who isn't interested in you sexually, that's obviously not an issue. But ime, it's rarer for that to be the case than it is for the man to have an attraction. So its something to be alert to, both as the partner of the man, and as the younger woman in question. I've seen many 'nice, trustworthy' middle aged men turn into complete fools when they get close to young women who are attractive. Not all, but certainly enough for it to be a potential issue.

He was coming home every day in a foul mood, not even acknowledging me most nights. He’d then blame the stress of work. This sounds unpleasant. Has his behaviour changed? He's dealt with his issues and things won't go back to the way they were if he hits another rough patch at work? It sounds like he's perhaps a little bit immature in how he handles his emotions and treats other people.

I do think that if one person's behaviour seems suspicious or disrepectful you can reasonably ask your partner not to have unnecessary contact with that person; that's very different from "no opposite sex friends!!" But nothing that this woman has done sounds unusual. And he's described HER as a friend; she may very well think of him as an ex-boss, industry colleague, potential source of job leads, etc. The possibly inappropriate stuff, as far as you know, is all on your husband's side. Blaming her and asking him to stay away from her may make you feel better temporarily, but that may be a false sense of security. The issues with him will still be there.

There's only one reason a 47-year-old man is friends with a girl half his age and it's not because he's interested in her personality

That is such a cynical and sad way to look at the world. People have friendships and relationships for all sorts of reasons, it’s not all about sex you know.

It is cynical. But those of us with leanings towards this point of view could give you a whole list of experiences that have led us to it. The sad part is that we've encountered this type of behaviour so many times from so many men that it can be a struggle to give the benefit of the doubt. If that means the occasional 50 year old man who cultivates a friendship with a 20 something woman for purely platonic purposes gets misjudged, then that's unfortunate. If he's truly above board, he should be able to reassure his partner (preferably without the need to delete messages.)

I think trust your instincts.

Given all these men are absolutely only in it platonically, isn't it odd how their older and heavier female colleagues just never seem to be good at friendship? 🤔

Not true with my male colleague. He is also good friends with 55 year old and 65 year old female colleagues. I might be younger than him but I'm over weight and don't bother doing my hair or make up. He deffo doesn't fancy me. I have no idea how he treats his partner at home or if he talks about me so can't comment on that aspect.

Some of these replies - sheesh!!

I'm in my late 40s and am friends with a woman now in her early 20s. We met through a hobby. She's house-sat my family's house and fed our pets when we've been away. We relate well, and she reminds me of myself when I was her age.

For what it's worth I'm also friends with another woman from the same group. She's about 15 years older than me.

It's nice to have friendships across the generational divide. As always, boundaries are required.

The OP's issue certainly isn't the mere fact of a friendship.

How are things now op @PleaseBeHonest