DH being friends with a girl half his age

[PleaseBeHonest]

DH is 47 and this girl is in her twenties. She used to work for him, he was her manager. At the time, things weren’t great between DH and I. He was coming home every day in a foul mood, not even acknowledging me most nights. He’d then blame the stress of work. However, he then talked about how much fun he had at work and that they “spent the whole day laughing”. He mentioned a few colleagues but this one (the girl) he mentioned more than most. I actually lost my temper with him because he was mentioning her so much.

Then she found another job and left the company about 6 months ago. I thought that would be the end of it.

Then at the weekend DH showed me his phone and I could see that there was a conversation between the two of them. Basically she was asking him if he was going to someone’s leaving do and he said he wasn’t. All innocent enough, but why are they still in contact? Especially as I had raised concerns about her in the past.

DH said they were friends 🙄. AIBU to have an issue with a 47 year old MARRIED man being friends with a girl in her twenties?

Just for background, I have NEVER had an issue with anyone else DH has worked with ever. Just this one girl.

[Kite22]

There's only one reason a 47-year-old man is friends with a girl half his age and it's not because he's interested in her personality.

Maybe in your sad world, but many of us are capable of being friends with all sorts of people in a platonic way.
Through hobbies as well as work both dh and I have friends where there is considerable age gap (both older and younger as it happens) and both have friends that are male and friends that are female. As do our adult dc.

OP there seems to me to be nothing strange in an ex colleague asking someone who still works there if they are going to someone's leaving do. Your dh even showed you the message. He also isn't going. Not sure what you are concerned about here.

[cantbelieveheletmedown]

This was exactly how my marriage ended. My DH become obsessed by some woman 15 years his junior. He became glued to his phone, leaving for work earlier, arriving home later and his behaviour towards me was shitty and unforgivable! I'm now on my own, putting the pieces of my life back together whilst he has moved her in!
Hoping karma will firmly land on his doorstep soon!!

[slashlover]

I've deleted old conversations with people who I worked with and assume I will never see again, but I'm one of those people who hates a cluttered messenger/email.

[Afterfire]

I wouldn’t like this at all. Mentionitis. Deleting messages. Hiding friends lists. No thanks. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. She has NO reason to stay in touch. It’s inappropriate in these particular circumstances.

[Unglamorousgranny]

@TwoWrightFeet read pp. The girl v woman debate has already been talked about & put to bed further upthread. Pointless attempt at being goady from you.... 🙄

[bakehimawaytoys]

Not a sad world thanks @Kite22 just the voice of long experience. The fact that you and your DH have friends of all ages (congrats) has nothing to do with OP's husband treating her like shit while claiming to have "laughed all day" with this much younger woman during a rough patch in their marriage and to now be deleting their apparently innocent messages so that OP can't read them.

I would be mortified if my DH was messaging a 20-something woman he used to manage as "friends". There is a complete power imbalance here that makes it creepy and disrespectful.

[StupidSmallFruit]

@fdgdfgdfgdfg

I've read the OP, and a miserable husband taking out his stress and anger on her is her problem, not the fact that he has a friendship with a woman.

Hell, her entire evidence of his transgressions is that he's brushed this woman off when she's invited him on a works night out. They surely must be shagging!

Did you miss the part where he was coming home in a foul mood every day, and is deleting all the texts between them? Or did that just not suit your narrative?

My DH has lots of women friends - lots of really close friends he’s known for years.

This - like your friendship with a woman - has literally nothing to do with the OP’s situation.

[HeckyPeck]

@PleaseBeHonest

@Shiningstarr he’s deleted all the previous messages. And his Friends list is not visible on Facebook.

The only people I've know do this with the friends list and deleting messages have been cheating unfortunately.

I can't think of an innocent reason unless he deletes everyone's previous messages?

[AloysiusBear]

When i was in my twenties i had mates at work who were men (and women) twice my age. After i stopped working with one friend (he was about 15 years older than me) we met for a pint a couple of times. I was planning my wedding, he chatted about his two daughters and a holiday he was planning with his wife, we gossiped about our old colleagues. Why would a woman in her twenties want a bloke in his forties? I didn't fancy my balding colleague in the least, i had my 29 year old boyfriend at home!!

[Begoniasforever]

She’s a grown ass woman op.

look you clearly think he fancies her and are jealous and insecure. What’s your question, it’s reasonable not to like your husband being in touch with a woman you think he fancies and prefers to you. But you can’t dictate his friends. So it’s either trust him or don’t. Because arguing and trying to force him not to be in contact isn’t going to work for you.

[IsThePopeCatholic]

@Zingy123

Yes there's always one who uses the correct terminology.

Agree. ‘Girl’ is so demeaning.

[StupidSmallFruit]

The point has been made. Several times. Move on.

[Mummysgogetter]

@Fairyliz

I’m in my 60’s with DD’s in their 20’s.
Funnily enough I’ve not met any men in their 40’s who want to be my work ‘friend’; yet my daughters have loads.
Is there something wrong with me, do I need friendship tips? 🙄

Hahahaha this is so true ^
friends pffft 🙄 sure 🥱

[PugInTheHouse]

To be fair @AloysiusBear I would have much preferred a 40 yo rather than a 29 yo when I was in my 20s but I liked older men then. DH is 13 years older than me so a gap but not too big now. I definitely wouldn't be so sure that nothing would happen with a younger woman and a 40 yo man at work, I reckon it's pretty common TBH.

[PinkiOcelot]

@Zingy123

Do you mean woman? A girl is a child.

I was just waiting for someone to come out with this crap. Does it matter?! You’ve got nothing constructive to add?!

[Smileeriley]

I was called a girl the other day and it made my day.

[Noviembre]

I mean, yes, he's mentioning her over and over and he's clearly enjoying the attention. He's also running your face in it.

It's disrespectful. He knows exactly what he's doing. He just wants to see you annoyed about it.

[5128gap]

@Begoniasforever

She’s a grown ass woman op.

look you clearly think he fancies her and are jealous and insecure. What’s your question, it’s reasonable not to like your husband being in touch with a woman you think he fancies and prefers to you. But you can’t dictate his friends. So it’s either trust him or don’t. Because arguing and trying to force him not to be in contact isn’t going to work for you.

Only a very insecure woman (or a man) would think she had no choice but to 'trust him' aka let him do as he pleases, because arguing and making him stop contact wouldn't work.
It would most certainly work for me.
I'm sufficiently secure to know that if a man behaves in a way I don't like, I've the right to ask him to stop; and if he doesn't, to leave him and find another man if I felt like it, or be alone if I prefer.
I'm not sure where this idea comes from that it's only what or whom a man 'prefers' that matters.

[TwoWrightFeet]

@Unglamorousgranny

@TwoWrightFeet read pp. The girl v woman debate has already been talked about & put to bed further upthread. Pointless attempt at being goady from you.... 🙄

Wrong! It’s still being discussed on the thread little girl.

[WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps]

@PinkiOcelot

I was just waiting for someone to come out with this crap. Does it matter?! You’ve got nothing constructive to add?!

Pathetic isn't it? It's like the vulva police. Just bore off. I will use whatever fucking terminology I like!

Nothing wrong with calling a female in her 20s or 30s a girl. What about 'girls night out' and 'here come the girls...' etc? Some people are laughably pedantic. And what fuck is a grown-ass woman? Is this some teen speak @Begoniasforever ?

[Yiyo27]

My oh is 36, had a 'friend' at work since she was 16, she's now 21 and it's finally come out that they were a lot more than friends..

[WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps]

@PinkiOcelot

I was just waiting for someone to come out with this crap. Does it matter?! You’ve got nothing constructive to add?!

Pathetic isn't it? It's like the vulva police. Just bore off. I will use whatever fucking terminology I like! Also, how pathetic that this is the ONLY thing that particular poster added to the thread.

Nothing wrong with calling a female in her 20s or 30s a girl. What about 'girls night out' and 'here come the girls...' etc? Some people are laughably pedantic. And what the fuck is a grown-ass woman? Is this some teen speak @Begoniasforever ?

[RainyDaysareCarp]

The fact that he showed you this would make me suspicious - why has he not shown you any other messages? I think he is covering for this upcoming do. He's getting the story in beforehand.

[Olivetreebutter]

Heh. I manage a lot of men twice my age. One of them has become a good friend and I go for dinner with him and his wife and he comes to visit me and my husband. We text periodically between the two of us.
Age is irrelevant in a relationship, as is the sex of those involved. If he's being in appropriate or being secretive then I'd have concerns. But the actual concept of the relationship, not at all.

[ThisShitsBananas]

Well. I’m 28 and my work bestie is a 53 year old man! We must be lining up an affair…