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AIBU?

How many of you would be happy for your children once they reach adulthood to still live with you?

222 replies

Chloefairydust · 09/10/2022 19:39

Inspired by another thread about people not always being financially as able to leave home due to rising costs. How happy would you be for your child to still live with you if they are in their 30s?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Snowberry3 · 10/10/2022 07:06

I struggle living with just DH - would the DCs really pull their weight with housework, who decides what you're watching on the box. Who does all the shopping, cooking?

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Beezknees · 10/10/2022 07:06

I'd be fine with it as long as he's working full time, contributing financially and pulling his weight with housework. I'm single so having someone else to help with the bills would actually be nice!

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Mindymomo · 10/10/2022 07:13

We live in SE where houses/flats are so expensive. My 2 sons, single 26 and 30 I cannot see them moving out unless they find partners. Most of my friends have one adult child still living at home, tends to be boys rather than girls.

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Beefilm · 10/10/2022 07:15

Mine do live with us. I'm ok with it. Obviously I would rather they had relationships which gave them the opportunity to live with their partners but their natures haven't led to that moment yet so they live at home, work in good jobs, pay for their costs, save the rest of their money for a deposit, and provide us with good company and occasional help.
I think there is something wrong with people who can't live amicably with their offspring.

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CrustyFlake · 10/10/2022 07:16

It massively depends on the situation.

For example - pleasant and helpful adult child who really behaves like an adult, living with me in my big, spacious house during some sort of transition phase? Of course, why not?!

Adult child who behaves like a teenager and treats my house like a hotel, whilst we're crammed into a tiny space, with no plans to ever leave? Fuck, no.

I suppose in most cases it's something in-between these two extremes.

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iwishihadabox · 10/10/2022 07:18

I have made it clear to mine that they can stay at home for as long as they want/need.

Ironically, of my eldest 2, it's the one with 'something wrong with them' who is planning to move out before his older nothing 'wrong with them sister'

Sadly my youngest also has 'something wrong with them' so will probably be with me for the rest of my life.

I have no issue with adult children living at home though, if my DC need a home it's here for them, always.

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Willyoujustbequiet · 10/10/2022 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Incredibly offensive. Some disabled children will have no choice.There is nothing wrong with them. The only failure here is your lack of awareness.

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TheRubyRedshoes · 10/10/2022 07:36

Surely it depends on so many variables?

Do we get on, do they pull their weight?
Do they have a plan to save and move on ? Have they had experience living elsewhere?
Are they socially ept..

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TheRubyRedshoes · 10/10/2022 07:37

  • talking about my own DC not those with disabilities who are totally different.
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Rinatinabina · 10/10/2022 07:41

I’ll be delighted when mine is ready to fly the nest. But this is also her home and she would never be turned away, ever.

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transformandriseup · 10/10/2022 07:45

I hope my DD has a home of her own by the time she is 30 but it all depends on house prices and her capability to go on to get a job which will pay for one. She is still very young at the moment so the world could be very different then.

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FindingMeno · 10/10/2022 07:46

I want my children to have their independence.
But they are welcome to live with me as long as they want. I love their company and we all get on so well.
Certainly atm pooling resources seems a good option.

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Everydayaschoolday · 10/10/2022 07:55

I’m prepared for them staying longer than other generations did in the past, due to the financial climate. I would expect them to act as adults though and contribute to cooking chores accordingly. I have one child who is disabled, so may be with us forever but I hope will be independent with support. I do have aspirations of them both leading independent lives and having their own families in due course.

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mamabear715 · 10/10/2022 08:08

Didn't have kids only to show them the door at 18!

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CecilyP · 10/10/2022 08:25

Snowberry3 · 10/10/2022 07:06

I struggle living with just DH - would the DCs really pull their weight with housework, who decides what you're watching on the box. Who does all the shopping, cooking?

Can’t really see it as a problem. Most DC have a TV in their room. Unless you downsize as soon as DC leave home, you still have to clean the entire house when they’re not there. Shoving some extra food in the trolley isn’t any great hardship and nor is cooking for an extra person if it’s a meal you’re making anyway.

They have they’re own lives and friends so unlikely to be living in each other’s pockets in the same way as a husband and wife.

Think a I’ll be doing my windows this week, including the bedroom DS hasn’t occupied for 10 years!

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iwishihadabox · 10/10/2022 08:32

would the DCs really pull their weight with housework,

They should have been doing this as part of living within the family for many years before they would be leaving home anyway, it wouldn't be a new thing to implement at 18/19/20 if they wanted to stay.

who decides what you're watching on the box.

Neither of my older 2 watch TV. I don't watch much either. DH would watch whatever, he isn't fussed. However, it's reasonable to suggest people could watch a show of their choosing anytime now because we can stream or record, do nobody would be arguing over BBC v ITV


Who does all the shopping, cooking?

We tend to make our own as nobody eats the same food at the same time, DH and I excepted. The older DC already but their own food as they are working and one is at uni (living at home) but if it was to be an ongoing longer term arrangement for them to live here we could easily sit down and rethink the finance side.

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CecilyP · 10/10/2022 08:40

transformandriseup · 10/10/2022 07:45

I hope my DD has a home of her own by the time she is 30 but it all depends on house prices and her capability to go on to get a job which will pay for one. She is still very young at the moment so the world could be very different then.

It’s a bit more than that. A friend of DS’s has just left home at 36. He had well paid job 5 minutes from his folk’s house, so seemed a no brainier really, especially as they had quite a large house and his sister had left home.

He’d had 5 years of experience of private renting at uni, including one flat so damp their clothes got mouldy in the wardrobes and one where rain came through the ceiling if it rained heavily (and that was just the year he shared with DS).

He.could have easily afforded to buy a place but didn’t want to as he didn’t want to stay in our small town indefinitely!

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LadyWithLapdog · 10/10/2022 08:43

ZaZathecat · 09/10/2022 19:48

I would be happy to have them, but sad that, for whatever reason - maybe money or illness - they were unable to live an independent life.

Same here. I’d love them all around, especially if they’d be more mature by then and not fighting and sniping at each other. But I’d be sad if this was because they were poor, ill, or heartbroken.

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Fuwari · 10/10/2022 08:54

I had to leave home at 16 and it didn’t go well. It wasn’t “the making of me” and actually nearly destroyed me. I vowed then that if I had DC they would have a home with me for as long as they needed it.

I have 2 DC and both have lived away from home and at home during their adult lives. When they’ve been here they contribute financially, pull their weight etc. We get on very well so no arguments. I also don’t have a partner. Maybe I would feel differently if I’d been looking forward to “alone time” with a husband with whom I’d raised the DC but that isn’t the situation. I have plenty of room.

I’m in London and I don’t have £££ to give for house deposits. I live in social housing myself. So there will be no “downsizing for equity” that might also factor in for people who own their homes. I have other friends around my age who also have adult DC at home. It’s just how it is now.

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Twillow · 10/10/2022 08:56

30s no. Mid 20s at a push. It's very hard for people to save for a mortgage when rents are so high today.

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GoldenSpiral · 10/10/2022 09:05

I moved out at 18 when I went to uni and then lived independantly while working for two years. We then moved in to my now in laws home for the following two years while we saved for a deposit. It was very hard to all live together at times but overall I think it strengthened our relationships. We were on the property ladder aged 25.

I would want to bestow the same kindness to my own children if they wanted/needed it.

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Smileeriley · 10/10/2022 09:07

My daughter's can stay forever, but I can't wait for my son to fuck off.

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NooNooHead1981 · 10/10/2022 09:55

Mu children will always have a home and they are welcome back whenever they need/want. My eldest is becoming an independent young lady already, having started high school this term, but my youngest two are still under 5 so it will a while until they leave.

I've been feeling pretty low recently though ad I've had a lot of health issues over the past 8 years after a head injury, so I have always felt as though my independence had taken two steps back in terms of my earning power etc. I had a good career in magazine publishing for over a decade before, but now am a SAHM. In some ways, I feel I've regressed back to being dependent on my DH and parents, even though they are all quite supportive and happy to do so at the moment. There is an expectation that I will need to have to work when my daughter starts nursery next year, but I fully understand why. My mental health and cognitive abilities have been affected quite badly but I know that I need to contribute financially in spite of my health issues.

My parents always say I have a home there and my mum jokingly said the other week about coming to stay with the children over half term and then I can stay forever- I know she is only joking but I don't think she would ever want to see me in dire straits. In many ways, having been a parent now, I totally understand what she is saying and I would be very supportive of my children no matter what. Their home is always here.

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bingbummy · 10/10/2022 09:57

I'd be over the moon because I had my child late and when she's 18, the age I moved out, I will be 53 and will still want her around me. I'd miss her. I love her so much and would be happy for her to be here as much as she wanted to.

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NooNooHead1981 · 10/10/2022 10:04

Mu children will always have a home and they are welcome back whenever they need/want. My eldest is becoming an independent young lady already, having started high school this term, but my youngest two are still under 5 so it will a while until they leave.

I've been feeling pretty low recently though ad I've had a lot of health issues over the past 8 years after a head injury, so I have always felt as though my independence had taken two steps back in terms of my earning power etc. I had a good career in magazine publishing for over a decade before, but now am a SAHM. In some ways, I feel I've regressed back to being dependent on my DH and parents, even though they are all quite supportive and happy to do so at the moment. There is an expectation that I will need to have to work when my daughter starts nursery next year, but I fully understand why. My mental health and cognitive abilities have been affected quite badly but I know that I need to contribute financially in spite of my health issues.

My parents always say I have a home there and my mum jokingly said the other week about coming to stay with the children over half term and then I can stay forever- I know she is only joking but I don't think she would ever want to see me in dire straits. In many ways, having been a parent now, I totally understand what she is saying and I would be very supportive of my children no matter what. Their home is always here.

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