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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch

184 replies

Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 18:20

My 4 year old is currently waiting for an assessment for autism/adhd. He has really been struggling at primary school - hitting out at the teacher and having meltdowns in the afternoon. They are doing a risk assessment on him and have contacted the school psychologist to come and visit him, as well as going back to a 12oclock finish instead of 2pm.
I have been more than happy to work with them and had thought they were doing everything they could for my son but my niece (primary 7 at the same school) has informed me that on Wednesday she saw one of the classroom assistants bend down to talk to him and then took him away from his friends at the lunch table and made him sit at a separate table alone. Special needs or not I think its a f*cking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off? I plan on speaking to his teacher about this tomorrow.

OP posts:
AFS1 · 09/10/2022 18:27

If the classroom assistant was bent down talking to him, might she have been asking him if he wanted to eat on his own? Was he maybe becoming overwhelmed? Primary school lunchtime can be a pretty loud, chaotic environment. Maybe he just needed a bit of space for himself..?

44PumpLane · 09/10/2022 18:27

You need more information, he may have just bitten the kid sitting next to him, in which case moving him to sit alone was an entirely reasonable and age appropriate reaction.

I would ask why it happened and how often it has happened and go from there.

If he's literally being moved for no reason (which is doubtful) then of course you have grounds to complain.

namechange3394 · 09/10/2022 18:28

I think it depends what he was doing tbh. They have a duty to safeguard the other kids. Maybe he was getting overwhelmed - I know mine with ASD found the lunch hall extremely overwhelming and needed to go elsewhere sometimes.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/10/2022 18:29

Did you ask why he was moved? Your question is basically unanswerable until you tell us why.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 18:31

I think you need to try really hard not to emotional kick off like this, but instead calmly phone the school and ask about what happened. Maybe he felt overwhelmed and wanted to sit alone, you just don’t know what was happening. So deep breath and call them,

iwishihadabox · 09/10/2022 18:32

Special needs or not I think its a fcking* disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.

Why?

For many autistic children this is preferable.

Before you go ranting at the school for treating your child differently please consider what is best for you child.

Hugasauras · 09/10/2022 18:33

Maybe don't go in guns blazing expecting the worst. Just ask politely.

Ellnet · 09/10/2022 18:36

When I was teaching I had 2 children who preferred to bring their lunch back to class and eat where it was quieter. The teacher after me didn’t want to spend her lunch with children which is fair enough and yes they sat alone at lunch time. You need more information before going in all guns blazing. There’s most likely a reason for it.

BlackberrySky · 09/10/2022 18:36

Get more information first. The school has a duty to safeguard all the children, not just yours. If he had hurt or threatened another child then it would be appropriate to move him away.

AuntSalli · 09/10/2022 18:37

I think it’s a fucking disgrace to make children have to sit with 120 screaming banshees while they’re trying to eat their food in peace.

I wouldn’t make that the hill you die on

donttellmehesalive · 09/10/2022 18:37

If he was happily eating his lunch, they wouldn't have moved him.

Either they could see early signs of him becoming overwhelmed, or he said he'd prefer to sit alone, or he was upsetting the other children in some way.

PloddyPop · 09/10/2022 18:42

Deep breath . Hold back and ask what actually happened. They may have been preparing him for to have a more calming/better afternoon

IggyAce · 09/10/2022 18:44

I’m a lunchtime supervisor and the hall is very noisy and chaotic at our school, we have several kids who prefer to eat in a quiet classroom.
Please don’t go in all guns blazing, speak with his teacher so you have the full details. You need to build a good relationship with the school and if you kick off over every issue without the full details you’ll be that parent.

Stevenage689 · 09/10/2022 18:46

Yabu.

If he needs a reduced timetable, presumably part of the reason is that he's not coping at lunchtime.

Perhaps he wasn't coping but the adult tried moving him to see if he could cope better alone. Or perhaps he had hit out at a child he was sitting next to.

Whatever the case, moving children to sit alone is not fucking disgraceful and I'm not sure why you think it is.

phishy · 09/10/2022 18:46

YABU, speak to a teacher first. You say he hits out at teachers, what if he was hotting the other children?

girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 18:48

I agree with the others - don't be angry without hearing the facts.

dampgreg · 09/10/2022 18:49

I agree with everyone else, you need to calmly ask why. I have two DC with ASD. Both hated school lunchtimes as it was noisy and busy. One sat on his own quite happily, the other was only there when she was 4 but she sat with a ta on their own

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 18:51

He loves being with other children and loves having his dinners in the canteen as he has asked me why he can't do that anymore (12 finishes). I know he wouldn't ask to sit alone. I did ask my niece if he was doing anything to be moved and she says he was just sitting there eating his lunch and she approached him. I also asked my son and he said he was hugging people ( don't know if there is any truth in that or not ). Obviously I would ask the teacher what happened before escalating it but my problem is not with him being moved, its the fact he was made to sit completely alone, classroom assistant didn't even sit with him.

OP posts:
Ellnet · 09/10/2022 18:53

classroom assist didn’t even sit with him

Because they have a dining room full of children to supervise.

Stevenage689 · 09/10/2022 18:54

Unless he has an ehcp and funding for 30 hours of 1:1, the assistant will be supervising somewhere between 30 and 120 children in my experience, and will by no means be able to sit down with an individual child. This is why they are reducing his timetable.

I really wouldn't make a big deal out of this. The more important thing to make a fuss about is the plan to increase his hours as soon as possible.

pimlicoanna · 09/10/2022 18:54

The truth of it is you actually have no idea why this happened because you haven't asked the people who know!

dampgreg · 09/10/2022 18:55

Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 18:51

He loves being with other children and loves having his dinners in the canteen as he has asked me why he can't do that anymore (12 finishes). I know he wouldn't ask to sit alone. I did ask my niece if he was doing anything to be moved and she says he was just sitting there eating his lunch and she approached him. I also asked my son and he said he was hugging people ( don't know if there is any truth in that or not ). Obviously I would ask the teacher what happened before escalating it but my problem is not with him being moved, its the fact he was made to sit completely alone, classroom assistant didn't even sit with him.

Hugging people? Maybe no one was getting on with eating and so they moved him

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/10/2022 18:56

I’d find it hard to believe that he was moved for no reason. I’ve known children be moved away from friends at lunchtime for messing around with other peoples food or messing around in general and it has been entirely the right decision.

Teacherontherun · 09/10/2022 19:00

I agree with everyone else. Maybe he was doing something/ saying something your neice couldn't see. The dinner supervisor has a responsibility for ALL the children and if your son is doing something to upset the other children it's absolutely the right thing to do. Wait until you have all the information from the teachers first, then ask for a plan. He might enjoy lunch with his friends but they might not, I know plenty of children who love the dining room but others kids hate sitting with them because they get in trouble by association

minisoksmakehardwork · 09/10/2022 19:02

Maybe your son was not respecting other people's personally boundaries by hugging them - some children will be fine, others not. Maybe a child complained and rather than cause a scene, the perpetrator was moved away.

There will be a reason for your son being moved but you will only get cooperation if you go in calmly. I found with mine, asking school to clarify something my adhd/adhd and scd children reported back to me was a lot less confrontational and got me a lot further.

If you go in raging, you will be seen as unreasonable, even if your actual concern (a child being isolated) is not in itself unreasonable.