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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch

184 replies

Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 18:20

My 4 year old is currently waiting for an assessment for autism/adhd. He has really been struggling at primary school - hitting out at the teacher and having meltdowns in the afternoon. They are doing a risk assessment on him and have contacted the school psychologist to come and visit him, as well as going back to a 12oclock finish instead of 2pm.
I have been more than happy to work with them and had thought they were doing everything they could for my son but my niece (primary 7 at the same school) has informed me that on Wednesday she saw one of the classroom assistants bend down to talk to him and then took him away from his friends at the lunch table and made him sit at a separate table alone. Special needs or not I think its a f*cking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off? I plan on speaking to his teacher about this tomorrow.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/10/2022 19:02

If he was hugging he was probably disturbing them eating their lunches.

iwishihadabox · 09/10/2022 19:04

I know he wouldn't ask to sit alone.

Of course he wouldn't. He is 4. It's up to school to do what best suits his needs.

GrandTheftWalrus · 09/10/2022 19:05

It seemed when my dd was in p1 she was the worst child in the world and the head teacher has put a referral into calms for her. Every day I dreaded pick up etc as she'd hit someone or "assaulted a teacher" we had so many meetings.

However since being in p2 we've had 1 incident the whole time. She's even volunteering to do her homework even when it's spelling and she refused all work in p1.

So I'm wondering if the teacher just couldn't cope with her.

Sorry I'm rambling but yes if she was annoying people around her she would eat lunch alone to allow the other children to eat. She also changed shoes/jacket on herself away from the others as she appeared to get overwhelmed with the noise. Could it have been something like that?

FanTaill · 09/10/2022 19:07

If he was disrespecting people’s boundaries or stopping people from eating their lunch what do you expect should happen instead?

(Assuming the likelihood that there aren’t enough staff to sit with him during lunch - but hopefully will be when his EHCP comes in.)

WeepingSomnambulist · 09/10/2022 19:09

Sounds like he was touching kids and they didnt want to be touched. They wanted to eat their lunch without being hugged.

If he wont stop then they need to move him. And staff have to supervise the whole room. They cant sit with your kid.

bewarethetides · 09/10/2022 19:11

namechange3394 · 09/10/2022 18:28

I think it depends what he was doing tbh. They have a duty to safeguard the other kids. Maybe he was getting overwhelmed - I know mine with ASD found the lunch hall extremely overwhelming and needed to go elsewhere sometimes.

This.

There's usually a solid reason why a child is moved in this manner, be it poor choice of behaviour. poor choice of language, or being overwhelmed/upset themselves.

gogohmm · 09/10/2022 19:11

Your child's right to sit with other children is not any more important than them being able to eat without being hit, bitten or yelled at. There's no information as to what happened prior to him being moved, or whether he was distressed for instance. Speak to the school calmly and ask why he was taken to sit alone, likely to be an explanation rather than the school being inappropriate.

I have had to advocate for my dd (with autism) because she was made very anxious and upset by other children messing about, those other children also had diagnosis - my dd ended up being educated separately because her right to quiet and order in the classroom didn't trump others being boisterous (or even just chattering)

littleroad · 09/10/2022 19:11

He was moved. If he was becoming overstimulated it would have given him a chance to regulate. He’s 4. It’s unlikely that he recognises this signs of this himself. Unless your niece was there the whole way through she only saw a snippet of what happened.

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 19:12

I honestly know where you are coming from OP I really do been there, been that mum with that child and your reaction is normal but what I have learned over the last 10 years of being my sons mum is every incident needs me to take a step back. That's the only way I could really support my him how he beeded me to.

To you him hugging other kids seems nice, to the other kids he is interrupting their lunch, being too close and frankly crossing personal space boundaries.
He wasn't sat on his own as a punishment he was sat on his own because his behaviour was upsetting other children is the most likely answer.
You need to listen to the teachers and your son and then work out the best course of action.
Yes it's heartbreaking to think of your sweet boy sat by himself but if you were the mum of one of the other children who tells mum a boy in class won't stop hugging/touching me and I cannot eat my lunch....what would you want the teachers to do?

Bunnycat101 · 09/10/2022 19:12

In all honesty, it sounds like you’re jumping to the worse possible case rather than accepting that maybe your son was being a bit annoying to the other children or had something going on which necessitated a move. I’ve been shocked how many messages there are on our parents WhatsApp message moaning about things that have happened in the classroom that seem totally inconsistent with the actual behaviour of their children.

Topseyt123 · 09/10/2022 19:13

Find out what actually was happening first. You are making assumptions at the moment.

Perhaps he was hugging children who did not want to be hugged and being a nuisance with it. Perhaps he wouldn't stop, so they had to move him?

Thinkbiglittleone · 09/10/2022 19:13

If he was "disrupting" others from eating their lunch, he may have been asked to move to speed up the eating and ensure the children have something to eat before they need to leave the hall.

But you won't know until you ask the teacher, who will then need to go off and ask the MDA or teaching assistant in question.

Does it happen regularly ?

Sadly as others have said the staff have so many children to look after at lunch time they simply don't have the capacity to sit with one child throughout their lunch. They will and should be checking in on him knowing he is struggling but he would need a 1:1 to have someone to sit with him.
1:1 are really hard to get funding for around our area, so fingers crossed you get what you need for your DS.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 09/10/2022 19:14

My DS is 5 and has suspected ASD, he is triggered by noisy lunchtimes and has been hitting out, so they have been putting him in the office to play Lego on his own. Like you I was initially very cross and then I thought about it, and realised that he is happy playing Lego alone. I did speak (calmly) to the teacher and mentioned that I’m not sure it’s a suitable long term solution and now they have a routine of Lego time and outside time, and if he becomes overwhelmed he goes back in for more Lego and can take a friend if he likes, this works really well. My DS is also very social and loves to play with others but the teachers/supervisors have a duty of care to others, not just my DS. I would speak to them and put your concerns across and see if you can come up with a solution which suits everyone.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 09/10/2022 19:14

It's lunch, and you don't know what happened yet. 'Furious' seems a bit of an overreaction.

Wetblanket78 · 09/10/2022 19:17

They used to do this with my son. He's always struggled being in a room with so many faces at once. Also used to drop to the ground if we were crossing a road and someone looked at him. As well as the echoiness of the hall and chatter. He was in a special needs school so they're used to dealing with children like him. He did settle down if he was one of the first in the hall. But ment when he got to senior age he eat lunch with the younger children. Didn't bother me as long as he was fed and watered.

DeadHouseBounce · 09/10/2022 19:17

AFS1 · 09/10/2022 18:27

If the classroom assistant was bent down talking to him, might she have been asking him if he wanted to eat on his own? Was he maybe becoming overwhelmed? Primary school lunchtime can be a pretty loud, chaotic environment. Maybe he just needed a bit of space for himself..?

Yes, this would be a rational explanation. What does the little man himself say about it? That would be the sensible approach before you go steaming into the school.

melj1213 · 09/10/2022 19:18

YABU to take the word of a child, watching from a distance, as gospel and be furious about something you don't know any facts about.

It is not unreasonable to go into the school and enquire why your DS was moved from his friends during lunch, but it is unreasonable to have decided it was done maliciously or to somehow punish your child and go in with the attitude that "it's a fucking disgrace to make a child sit alone at lunch" without even establishing the facts first.

Even from your follow up post that your son admitted he was "hugging people" it's easy to infer that either his behaviour was unwanted by the other children and this had been seen by the Lunchtime Supervisor or he was being disruptive (eg if he's getting out of his seat to move around the table/room repeatedly etc). He may have been spoken to already and warned that if he did it again then he would have to sit alone so that the other children could finish their lunch in peace/to stop him disrupting everyone.

FabFitFifties · 09/10/2022 19:22

He might have settled happily to eat his lunch alone. Might he have been overwhelmed at the table of children? Dinner Hall is a well known trigger for meltdowns /anxiety. It's a very busy and noisy environment. I wouldn't act annoyed - but I would want to know why.

Discovereads · 09/10/2022 19:24

The thing is even if he were doing nothing and being perfectly behaved, he could have been masking with the unease repressed. And then after lunch, he has a meltdown. I have two DC with ASD, and it’s not always a case of a trigger causing an instant reaction. Moving him to be by himself could be what prevents an afternoon meltdown.

So I think while it’s perfectly reasonable to ask why, don’t go in guns blazing, passed off and calling it a “fucking disgrace”.

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 19:25

God some of you have zero empathy lol
I never once stated my son was any more special than any other kids, of course they all have the right to personal space and being able to eat lunch in peace. But you've done nothing but worry about your son making/keeping friends it bloody hurts to think of them sitting on their own to eat their lunch! Picture your own child in the same situation. I also never stated I was going to the teacher all guns blazing either, I am a calm person by nature so would have asked all the details first but I only heard this last night and its all I've been able to think about, can't even discuss it with dh as he's already annoyed at ds days being shortened.

OP posts:
MissHavershamReturns · 09/10/2022 19:26

There won’t necessarily be a reason that is compatible with best practice in an inclusive school op. I’ve experienced my child with Autism being sat alone.

I would try to find out and whatever the issues are ask what strategies are being tried for him to be included at lunch time.

whynotwhatknot · 09/10/2022 19:27

your niece probably didnt see or hear everything that happened

just ask what the incident was

MissHavershamReturns · 09/10/2022 19:27

Op I really suggest you don’t post stuff like this in Aibu. Come and ask all of us who get how hard it is over in SN children etc.

Favouritefruits · 09/10/2022 19:27

You don’t know the fully story, the teacher may have removed him at his own request. I would get angry until you know what truly happened.

iwishihadabox · 09/10/2022 19:28

God some of you have zero empathy lol

I think the case of more that you have zero understanding.