Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch

[Mummyto2BBs]

My 4 year old is currently waiting for an assessment for autism/adhd. He has really been struggling at primary school - hitting out at the teacher and having meltdowns in the afternoon. They are doing a risk assessment on him and have contacted the school psychologist to come and visit him, as well as going back to a 12oclock finish instead of 2pm.
I have been more than happy to work with them and had thought they were doing everything they could for my son but my niece (primary 7 at the same school) has informed me that on Wednesday she saw one of the classroom assistants bend down to talk to him and then took him away from his friends at the lunch table and made him sit at a separate table alone. Special needs or not I think its a f*cking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off? I plan on speaking to his teacher about this tomorrow.

To get him to sit on his own to eat is a blooming disgrace. Ignore anyone who says it isn’t- they’re talking nonsense.

It's not nonsense. Lots of children do better on their own. It's perfectly ok for this to happen if it is in the best interest of the child. There is no disgrace.

My child used to eat alone or with her TA, the dinner hall was just too overwhelming for her and she wouldn’t eat, would sit there covering her ears.

Maybe talk to the school before getting too upset about it. It sounds like the school are trying to help and are aware that he is struggling. I think doing half days is a good idea. A lot of 4 year olds struggle with full days, starting school is a huge change and very stressful, I thing too much is expected of all 4 year olds, they are still little and it’s very hard to sit still, to listen and focus.

Why is he leaving school at 12? He is effectively being excluded which is illegal. Can I suggest you look at IPSEA.co.uk for guidance and information.

It's not nonsense at all! If the OP is needing to pick him up before lunchtime then it's obviously he can't cope during lunchtime , else she would be able to leave him longer. I say that as parent with SN and early years teacher.

You need more information and can't just take what a 7 year tells you.

I would have expected you to make an appointment at the school and discuss your concerns, before you come on here making a post, without the full story.

Express your concerns in a clear coherent manner, if you want to heard properly and see what response you get.

I would't be agreeing to 12 finishes either, unless it suits you, and you think it's best for him. ie it's all too much and he's struggling. Sounds like a copp out by school who just want to shorten the time he's at school. Get the Senco to put in place the things he needs, press to get the EP to come asap. You don't need to accept early finishes if you don't want to.

You sound really het up about this, and yet you are writing "LOL" all over the place like a teenager, maybe take a step back and calm down because at the moment, you have no idea what has happened. Your niece clearly told you with good intentions, but apart from that your child was spoken to and moved, you don't know what happened. Your niece says he was just eating his lunch, he says he was hugging people, they can't both be right really, can they? You're obviously a bit overwhelmed by the issues that him starting school has thrown up, but going in all guns blazing, without the facts, and all "fucking disgrace" and "furious" isn't going to help your son at all, is it?

You don't have to accept the early finishes but if your child is becoming very overwhelmed after that time, despite the adjustments the school have put in place, then it sounds sensible to increase his hours more gradually. You do need a plan to increase them though.

Working in a school I quite often see children who prefer to sit on their own at the back of the hall, they choose to do it and some even have headphones on to cope with the noise. A ta will have a whole hall to deal with so needs to get all children eating and out for playtime.

I did.

It takes time for children to be served their food, so each class/year group is staggered for entering the hall/dining room. There also aren't enough seats and tables for the whole school to sit simultaneously, so the staggering ensures that the first years in vacate and their chairs and tables are cleaned and re-used.

There might be a good reason he's sitting alone but he deserves an education just like any other child. Asking to do half days is unreasonable. The school should adapt to his needs. They should provide a place for him to go when it gets too overwhelming a quiet library or sensory room. He should be getting regular movement breaks to calm him and they should providing for his sensory needs. They need to investigate why he's having meltdowns in the afternoon is he too tired? hungry? Is it too noisy? Will some ear defenders help or a little snack in the afternoon. If you get a diagnosis quickly it will also help because the school will get funding for him and draw up an echp which will asses his needs he may have a 1 to 1 TA to support him.

You have every right to be annoyed and to challenge the school’s stance, if you find out what happened and it was a sanction for your DS. Until you see them and hear what they have to say, you can’t make a judgement.

Did this happen before he was asked to go home at 12 o’clock? Which shouldn’t be happening, unless there’s a clear plan to reintegrate him fully.

Also at DDs primary certain children go to a nurture corner where they work out their feelings and have toast and milk in the morning.

Is there anything similar at your school? I'm assuming you are in Scotland?

Exact same thing happened to my DS at nursery on the one and only time I took him as a prelude to starting school.

I arrived to find him separate from all the other children and was like you "fucking furious"

I came home had a damn good cry and rant then pulled my head firmly out of the sand and got his diagnosis.

It was him starting nursery, like your DC starting school that made me face the reality that I had been trying to ignore for so long.

He started reception at his amazing SEN school and has been there ever since.

He is 17 now, in 6th form and will leave next year. Even in his small class of 6, with each child assigned a TA he cannot cope with eating in the main dining room and eats alone with her in a separate room.

As for having and keeping friends, he doesn't have any, so I understand your worry.

You have a long and hard road ahead of you OP, I wish you the best.

If he was 5 then possibly yes. He’s 4.

Ask first, he’s 4 and will e in school until he’s 16 and in some sort of education until he’s 18.

You need to build constructive positive relationships with your son’s schools.

Children’s accounts, with the best will in the world, aren’t always accurate. A hug can range from a gentle arm round a shoulder to what a boa constrictor may do.

The school has a responsibility towards your son with is, as yet, undiagnosed problems. It also has a responsibility towards others around him.

Talk of risk assessments, getting school psychiatrist to come in and it’s still early October says there is cause for concern.

Please work with them.

Its really difficult when they start school to accept that theyre not just looking after him for you, but theyre in loco parentis. They wont be making him sit alone to be mean. You dont get to decide that they can do this but not that.
If your son is distressed, then a meeting with his teacher to discuss what is working and what isnt is appropriate.
Not going in furious because he loves sitting near people and was moved. You dont know why he was moved and it wasnt even him that told you.

If theyve reduced his hours and called in an educational psychologist then it sounds like theyre really on the ball.
I think you should try and keep a good relationship with the school and the teachers. It will really pay off

You are massively unreasonable to call the school a disgrace before finding out the full facts.
Your child is not the only one in the school and if they moved him, there would have been a reason for this

How many of us are rational when it comes to our children especially a child with special needs. If course she is going to be emotional she has a long road ahead of her. Perhaps we could all look up empathy and kindness in the dictionary and try to spread a little around. You have no idea the power of kindness when you are struggling and just a little goes a very long way.

I get it OP, as someone who works in schools and the parent of a year 1 child awaiting assessment for ASD. I wouldn’t want her eating alone, nor would I leave a child eating alone. When DD had issues in the lunch hall her school took her to the nurture room. Could you see if there’s something like that available? He could still have lunch and be with other students (in a smaller environment which may benefit him). DD also made friends in there which really helped her.

I would be looking at trying to increase his hours with the school or looking for another school. The school DD originally started reception in shorted her to half days due to her inability to cope in the dining hall and school refusal due to this. We found the school overall to be lacking in understanding SEN (despite a good ofsted). We moved her to another school (who put her in the nurture group) and she’s now in year 1 and doing brilliantly. I would ask for a meeting with the SENCo to see what the school can do to support him full-time or look around some other schools and talk to the staff there to find out their approach.

If he finishes at 12, why would he be there for lunchtime?
Op your child has barely started school and you already have an incredibly negative attitude to the school. You don’t know all the facts of what happened but you have assumed the assistant had a negative motivation for moving your child. Working with the school, not against it, is the best thing for your child.

@SeasonFinale

My kids' primary has fewar than 200 kids in it. Lunch isnt staggered. Enough seats for all. Packed lunch kids obviously all sit down straight away and canteen kids queue. But packed lunch kids dont need to vacate their seats and all years eat at the same time. They can go outside when finished or stay sitting in the lunch hall if they want.

Only time it was staggered was during the movie class bubbles thing.

Our P7s go in at the same time as the P1s.

This. Why assume the worst?

To the ladies saying that I have a negative attitude towards the school, no I definitely don't! I attended this school myself and was gutted when my son didn't get into their nursery unit and had to travel to another school (who were actually dreadful- dragging him out of class, sending him home all the time etc so obviously starting primary one was a big shock to him). This school is known for being great with SN children and they've really been brilliant with my son, always letting me know when he's had good days as well as bad. He's not being sent home at 12 because of lunch but because come 2pm he's tired and overwhelmed but there are plans to stay longer after Halloween break. I'm just annoyed at the thought of my child sat by himself which to most is quite understandable! If I'm honest I'm not 100% clued in on all this autism/special needs stuff as I've never had to deal with it before, and I've got a 9 week old with colic so coupled with very little sleep you can imagine I'm overwhelmed and emotional myself! To those of you who were understanding, thank you for making me feel a little less alone in this! To those who were quite condescending, I really hope you or your children never find yourself in this position! And to the complete arsewipe who called me a teenager for writing 'lol' twice- catch a grip, your definitely the mum that stands looking down her nose at everyone else during the school run xo

We are in Northern Ireland. Yes he has a sensory room that he loves to go to!