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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch

184 replies

Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 18:20

My 4 year old is currently waiting for an assessment for autism/adhd. He has really been struggling at primary school - hitting out at the teacher and having meltdowns in the afternoon. They are doing a risk assessment on him and have contacted the school psychologist to come and visit him, as well as going back to a 12oclock finish instead of 2pm.
I have been more than happy to work with them and had thought they were doing everything they could for my son but my niece (primary 7 at the same school) has informed me that on Wednesday she saw one of the classroom assistants bend down to talk to him and then took him away from his friends at the lunch table and made him sit at a separate table alone. Special needs or not I think its a f*cking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off? I plan on speaking to his teacher about this tomorrow.

OP posts:
Lorrymum · 09/10/2022 19:28

I worked as a teaching assistant with a little girl with autism. She couldn't cope with the noise, smell and confusion at lunch time and wouldn't eat. We solved this by her having lunch 15 minutes (with me) earlier than the rest of school. We gradually reintroduced all school lunchtimes at a slow pace until she could cope.
Schools have nothing to gain by upsetting children and have best interest and a duty of care to them all.

FlissyPaps · 09/10/2022 19:28

can't even discuss it with dh as he's already annoyed at ds days being shortened

This sounds worrying OP. Is your DH not able to have a calm conversation with you about your child? He shouldn’t be annoyed with you!!!!!

Worthyornot · 09/10/2022 19:28

You said he was hugging people. That might have been the reason. He was disturbing the other kids and they might not have liked it. If that's the case then I can see why he was moved. Sorry op, it's awful thinking of your child sitting alone but they need to do what's best for everyone not just one person.

MissHavershamReturns · 09/10/2022 19:29

@Lorrymum you sound like a lovely TA but given how much pushing out of kids with sn there is please don’t forget not all schools are actually supportive of kids with sn

oakleaffy · 09/10/2022 19:29

dampgreg · 09/10/2022 18:55

Hugging people? Maybe no one was getting on with eating and so they moved him

Show quote history

Some children would dislike very much to be “ Hugged”.
Would anyone want to be hugged while eating?
Someone getting into your personal space?
Face close to yours?
Unlikely that anyone would, hence the move ( Maybe after a warning, who knows)

cansu · 09/10/2022 19:31

I have worked in schools for a long time. I have never seen a child moved unless there is a reason. That could be he was overwhelmed; he had been annoying another child etc etc. I think I would ask:
How are lunchtimes going? I was a bit concerned as my niece told me he was moved to sit on his own. Can you find out why he was moved?

You have a long road ahead of you getting a diagnosis, getting the right support and maybe even finding the right school as well as dealing with incidents and issues that come up while this is all going on. You need to be calm and measured about things to get the people you need to help you onside. I say this as a teacher and a parent who was often pissed off at my autistic dd's school. I learnt to pick my battles and engage calmly even when I was very annoyed!

Walkaround · 09/10/2022 19:33

Yes, I think yabu to be furious already. You are right to be concerned and understandably feel upset for your ds, but yabu to be furious before you understand the situation and what brought it about.

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 19:33

iwishihadabox · 09/10/2022 19:28

God some of you have zero empathy lol

I think the case of more that you have zero understanding.

Understanding of what exactly?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 09/10/2022 19:33

iwishihadabox · 09/10/2022 19:28

God some of you have zero empathy lol

I think the case of more that you have zero understanding.

I agree. The OP has ignored other posters' rational explanations of what happened and doesn't sound at all calm.

Begoniasforever · 09/10/2022 19:35

I have to agree, you don’t sound calm ar all op. You sound like you said you were, downright pissed off and that does your kid no favours when you’ve no idea what happened here or why

Worthyornot · 09/10/2022 19:37

Op you haven't acknowledged that the hugging might be the reason. That is an invasion of personal space. Cute to you, but not to others. My ds hates being hugged and would be very upset at his personal space not being respected. And I would never encourage him to put up with it for any reason. You're taking the version of your relative, I would go in and speak to the teacher and find out what has happened but with a calm and open mind.

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 19:38

FlissyPaps · 09/10/2022 19:28

can't even discuss it with dh as he's already annoyed at ds days being shortened

This sounds worrying OP. Is your DH not able to have a calm conversation with you about your child? He shouldn’t be annoyed with you!!!!!

Sorry, he's not annoyed at me, he's annoyed at the school and I've defended them because I know its the right move but he just thinks they can't be bothered with him. I just don't have it in me to discuss this with him as I know he would be one to jump to conclusions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 19:40

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/10/2022 19:33

I agree. The OP has ignored other posters' rational explanations of what happened and doesn't sound at all calm.

Show quote history

I'm not ignoring anything, I've taken every single comment on board thank you very much

OP posts:
CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 19:41

Please don't be hard on the OP

I have been that mum and its so hard to see the faults/issues in your own child.

I was lucky to find support from other mums who had already walked this path and they were kind and compassionate with me while I ranted at how my lovely boy was been bullied/victimised/left out. They knew I would accept the facts eventually and do the best thing for my son and his school friends.

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 19:42

CrossStichQueen · 09/10/2022 19:41

Please don't be hard on the OP

I have been that mum and its so hard to see the faults/issues in your own child.

I was lucky to find support from other mums who had already walked this path and they were kind and compassionate with me while I ranted at how my lovely boy was been bullied/victimised/left out. They knew I would accept the facts eventually and do the best thing for my son and his school friends.

Thank you

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 09/10/2022 19:43

For the teaching assistant to go over and bend down and talk to him, it sounds like he was upset and asked to move himself.

Especially as his niece said he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

He may tell you that he enjoys eating lunch around his friends and he probably does but he also probably gets quite overwhelmed, which may lead to him becoming upset or just distracted so he doesn’t eat.

There’s obviously a reason why he was spoken to and moved.

Utilityroomenvy · 09/10/2022 19:44

My special needs child was made to wear an orange armband when in the playground - so teachers could easily spot him and step in if there was an incident.

It had the opposite effect of singling him out and as a result he was badly bullied.

I can understand why the OP is upset.

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 19:46

Utilityroomenvy · 09/10/2022 19:44

My special needs child was made to wear an orange armband when in the playground - so teachers could easily spot him and step in if there was an incident.

It had the opposite effect of singling him out and as a result he was badly bullied.

I can understand why the OP is upset.

Thank you, this is my fear exactly!

OP posts:
OohMyFooFoo · 09/10/2022 19:46

You're scared anxious and worried @Mummyto2BBs , your husband's reaction isn't helping either but he probably feels the same
I think from what you've said they've done it for your sons benefit, whether he was becoming overwhelmed or just irritating other pupils they 'caught' the situation
Would your son be comfortable with someone randomly hugging them ??? Would you think that's OK?
You need to show empathy too you know

StressedToTheMaxxx · 09/10/2022 19:52

YABU to be furious when you don't have a clue what happened.

lunar1 · 09/10/2022 19:52

My eldest wouldn't have been able to cope at all with being hugged at random. He would have struggled with meal times at school if something like that happened, he certainly wouldn't have been able to eat and it would have caused ongoing issues for him.

School staff have to balance all the children's needs, which can't be easy. I think it's important to know if this happens a lot, or if it's an isolated incident.

antelopevalley · 09/10/2022 20:00

dampgreg · 09/10/2022 18:55

Hugging people? Maybe no one was getting on with eating and so they moved him

Show quote history

Maybe other children did not want to be hugged and were complaining?

PlacidPenelope · 09/10/2022 20:02

on Wednesday she saw one of the classroom assistants bend down to talk to him and then took him away from his friends at the lunch table and made him sit at a separate table alone. Special needs or not I think its a fcking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.*

I agree with you @Mummyto2BBs making a 4 year old sit totally on his own is just punishment and segregation and as you say a fucking disgrace, your poor little boy.

I would feel as you do but find out what was behind it, in my view though that's an awful way to treat such a young child and guaranteed to not make him accepted and a target for bullying.

Flowers
bewarethetides · 09/10/2022 20:03

Ellnet · 09/10/2022 18:53

classroom assist didn’t even sit with him

Because they have a dining room full of children to supervise.

Or the (poorly paid) classroom assistant was headed off to her own half hour of unpaid lunchtime which she can't take at some other time if she misses it.

Laiste · 09/10/2022 20:05

OP, please try to reassure yourself and be calm.

I've been a mum to 3 at the same time as being a TA at their school and i can't count the number of times one of my own kids, at tea time, has solemnly told me all about an incident at school, not realising/forgetting i was either in the same room, or that i knew all the tiny details already. 99% of the time their version was so totally wrong about what was going on. I would think to myself - god knows what the other parents think if their kids are going home saying this same stuff about what went on. No wonder some parents think we're all twisted sadists!

There were times when they've told me about something and i've NOT known about it all already and thought - that sounds bloody bad of x y z staff member. Gone in the next day, asked around and found out what really happened and felt silly for thinking, for eg. that Mrs G the lunch time supervisor may have started moving kids to sit on their own simply for the hell of it.
Flowers

This is lighthearted, but i know it;s so hard when we have to put our trust to look after our kids in the hands of people we've never met. The odds are that it was done for good reason, and that you will get an explanation.