Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch

[Mummyto2BBs]

My 4 year old is currently waiting for an assessment for autism/adhd. He has really been struggling at primary school - hitting out at the teacher and having meltdowns in the afternoon. They are doing a risk assessment on him and have contacted the school psychologist to come and visit him, as well as going back to a 12oclock finish instead of 2pm.
I have been more than happy to work with them and had thought they were doing everything they could for my son but my niece (primary 7 at the same school) has informed me that on Wednesday she saw one of the classroom assistants bend down to talk to him and then took him away from his friends at the lunch table and made him sit at a separate table alone. Special needs or not I think its a f*cking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off? I plan on speaking to his teacher about this tomorrow.

You have inferred that your son is more special as you were unhappy that a TA wasn't sitting with him.

If your son is autistic he may well be happier in a calmer, quieter spot to eat his lunch. I’m the mother of a 27 year old son so it’s familiar ground. The teacher may have been trying to help, don’t be hasty.

He has TA with him almost constantly, how the hell is it inferring hes more special than anyone else to think someone would be with him during lunch if he was separated from his table??

Because as people have already stated, they wouldn't happen to have a 'spare' TA to sit with your son.

Your husband is right, your son shouldn't be having a reduced timetable - it's discrimination on the basis of disability. The school should have applied for an EHC plan (or the N.Ireland equivalent) so as to get a full assessment so that they can support him properly rather than excluding him.

What your niece has seen as hugging, SD would have seen as being grabbed and become very distressed - she refused to eat at all during the day after she was forcibly hugged by another child for the third time in a row, despite liking the child concerned; his behaviour was just too much for in class, at play and over lunch.

This is where I get confused though, I know myself that he gets overwhelmed by the end of the day and thought him going back to 12pm finishes was for the best but I'm also worried about him falling behind in class due to this, it was actually senco suggested it. I've no idea what all they are doing apart from risk assessment (don't know what will happen after that) and psychologist. He has been referred to be assessed for asd but the waiting list is 4 years long here and we've been trying to get him assessed privately but need a written referral from his gp who probably has no idea about all this as everything has been done through nursery psychologist and primary school. Honestly I just feel a bit lost with all this special needs talk etc.

I'm not saying that the hugging is acceptable, I wouldn't like it myself but I would just rather they actually took him out of the canteen altogether instead of leaving him sitting alone in a hall with maybe 200/300 pupils. Again it was my son who said he was hugging but I can't take his word for it as he probably doesn't even know what I'm asking him about, he doesn't talk about school at all except for yes/no answers to questions, he wouldn't even tell me if something was bothering him

Tbh Op your posts suggest you don’t really want advice. You want to rant and have people give you affirmation. Good luck.

OP they cannot take him out of the canteen as then he would need to be supervised and I doubt they have the staff to do that at lunchtime.

Also 200/300 pupils in the lunch hall at the same time!!
Is this school not in the UK?

They might well have moved him because of the hugging. My DD1 (now 13) used to be like this at his age, hugging classmates she thought of as friends. She had no boundaries. (She and DD2 (10) are adopted and she also has SEN.) As a result, she had no friends in primary school, things are better for her in high school.

I can understand you being upset, I’ve been there, but, as others have said, there were probably good reasons for sitting your DS on his own. Talking to the school about dinner times is definitely the way to go.

I'm not ranting at all, I'm trying to answer questions so people can give advice and also have stated quite a few times that I don't know the full story or know anything about what's going with his SN but ok

Going by other comments here that seems to happen quite regularly, I have no idea about their staffing levels but surely there has to be other solutions to the problem. Its also a fairly large school in NI

There is limited time for lunch so they might have just moved him in the end so he could focus on finishing his lunch instead of being distracted by his friends. Did his cousin say he seemed upset about being moved?

Ok folks I literally asked if I was being unreasonable and apparently I am, I didn't ask for condescending comments or for people to get torn into me for being concerned about my son. I certainly don't think my son is more special and more deserving of attention, I wouldn't want anyones child to sit alone, I mean isn't that the whole point of 'The buddy system' etc in schools? So that no child is lonely?

Going by other comments here that seems to happen quite regularly,

Some children will have a dedicated TA who can supervise. Some schools like my sons have a space/group his was called sunflowers where a few children who struggled at lunchtime could go and eat under the supervision with a teacher. Not all schools can or do provide that.

You need to talk with the teachers explain how you handle situations at home and you need to most importantly LISTEN to them without instantly going on the defensive. It really is the only way to provide the best environment for your son.

I mean isn't that the whole point of 'The buddy system' etc in schools? So that no child is lonely?

Your child is possibly autistic, this is a very NT approach. Lots of autistic people are happier on their own. Perhaps lunch is one of those situations where your DS wasn't coping so he was taken away from the situation in order to help him settle/regulate and manage his lunch.

It is a long hard road with autism as others have said, but be of the biggest problems I see is parents who have NT expectations for their autistic child. Your DS needs are different to the other children, school are not going to be pulling him out to be malicious they are going to pull him out because it is better for him.

The same is not equal.

I'm sorry Op you are having a hard time on here and I have no idea why. It all just feels mean spirited and as if they are worried your ds is getting preferential treatment. I thought we were all supposed to support each other on here but this is not happening to you and I'm very sorry when you are having such a difficult time. I hope you get things sorted deep breath and state your worries. Good luck.

Autism varies hugely. My autistic children would be hugely upset if sat on their own at lunch.

Really not likening the parental expectations comment. It’s patronising and are the experts as regards their children and their autism.

That said op ime schools always try their best to help children. I wouldn’t go by the observations of a 7 year old.

Really not likening the parental expectations comment. It’s patronising and are the experts as regards their children and their autism.

I didn't say it for people to like it. It's not untrue though. Look, OP is absolutely furious about her son being made to sit alone. OP hasn't taken on board any of the comments which explain the potential reasoning (that being better for the child), OP still thinks no child should be lonely. This is probably not a case of a child being isolated and lonely, it's a million times more likely to be that it is best for the child. Saying parents are experts in their child's autism doesn't make it true. Every single day there are parents on here trying to for their autistic child into a NT world. I wasn't trying to be patronising though, I think k the majority of us have been there and that's why we recognise it.

I disagree. Reading OPs later posts last night i felt she had taken on quite a lot of what posters had said.

OP - if you're still reading - you've said the school has been brilliant so far. Keep that faith and go in and have a chat with the senco one day and take a good list of questions with you and ask them all ! Even the 'daft' sounding ones You wont be the first to ask and no one will think you should know already. Try and leave the DCs at home with someone so you can concentrate, and ask for an appointment with senco after school.

Secondly - The posters saying he deserves full time education ect. are right. He does. And he'll get it. But you yourself feel he gets overwhelmed and tired by mid day. You know your own little boy better than anyone else. Have faith in yourself as well.

My DD4 wasn't ready for a full day at school at 4. Our school allows parents to judge and send them in for half days for the first few months. Once they are 5 a full day is expected.

He's got years and years of full time ed ahead of him. A couple of months of missing the afternoon sessions for 4 year olds isn't going to impact his education that badly. Have him home with you and his baby brother/sister in the afternoons a bit longer and let him adjust in his own time.

Good luck x

I disagree. Reading OPs later posts last night i felt she had taken on quite a lot of what posters had said.

Fair enough. The most recent post was the one about not being lonely though so I was basing it on that. Tbh I was more defending myself as I had been accused of being patronising me high isn't something I ever meant to do.

Regardless of the Ed Psych visit, apply to your LA for an EHC needs assessment. Ignore any delay tactics and appeal any refusal. www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

Thisneedcti know why and what else was going on .