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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch

184 replies

Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 18:20

My 4 year old is currently waiting for an assessment for autism/adhd. He has really been struggling at primary school - hitting out at the teacher and having meltdowns in the afternoon. They are doing a risk assessment on him and have contacted the school psychologist to come and visit him, as well as going back to a 12oclock finish instead of 2pm.
I have been more than happy to work with them and had thought they were doing everything they could for my son but my niece (primary 7 at the same school) has informed me that on Wednesday she saw one of the classroom assistants bend down to talk to him and then took him away from his friends at the lunch table and made him sit at a separate table alone. Special needs or not I think its a f*cking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off? I plan on speaking to his teacher about this tomorrow.

OP posts:
No63637373744 · 09/10/2022 20:08

This entirely depends on why he was moved. You need to ask the school (calmly) before making assumptions.

My son is autistic and he has always preferred to eat on his own! He hates sitting with others and chooses to sit alone, he's been encouraged to sit with others but cannot tolerate being around other children eating and making noise.

very unlikely to have been moved for no reason.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/10/2022 20:10

Kindly, you will have bigger battles than this. It sounds like it was done in the best interests of your son and/or those around him. Teaching assistants don’t do this stuff for no reason.

Laiste · 09/10/2022 20:12

One thing i would say, also, is that your son may really love the idea of sitting with his peers to eat (and would say so to anyone who asked), but when the time comes it becomes overwhelming for him which results in challenging behaviour.

hollyivysaurus · 09/10/2022 20:15

Honestly ask for what happened before going in all guns blazing! I hope you get an answer that makes it make sense.

iwishihadabox · 09/10/2022 20:16

I agree with you @Mummyto2BBs making a 4 year old sit totally on his own is just punishment and segregation and as you say a fucking disgrace, your poor little boy.

Why do you think it's a punishment?

Lots of children benefit from sitting separately.

Whiskers4 · 09/10/2022 20:20

OP, if I were you I'd talk to school tomorrow. They should be able to let you know the reasoning for sitting him on his own. Hopefully that'll help you understand and also support your DS.

Hankunamatata · 09/10/2022 20:20

Your son didn't tell you so guessing it didnt bother him

LimpBiskit · 09/10/2022 20:21

You're furious but you don't know why it happened. You are going to be a nightmare parent who teachers are going to hate interacting with.

Forfukzsake · 09/10/2022 20:22

They won't have moved him for fun. They'll have moved him for a reason. You should find out what it is before becoming f'ing furious.

Glitterspy · 09/10/2022 20:22

My kid regularly gets “hugged” (bundled/punched/slapped) by a neurdiverse child in his school year. They also have tons of fun playing football together. The child sometimes gets separated from the class/friend group when he becomes overly physical.

Theredtoyphone · 09/10/2022 20:23

I’m really sorry to hear that your son is finding school tricky, it must be such a worry for you, especially if they are reducing his day even further. I can understand how upsetting it is to think of your LO on his own.

However, I would suggest if they are shortening his day and having him leave prior to lunch that possibly he is not as happy/settled as you think he is during lunch times. If this was a positive experience for him I’d be surprised for them to have cut this part of his day out so what this is suggestive of is that actually the unstructured lunch time is not a happy time for your LO.

I also think you need to find out the information from the school as opposed to your niece.

I do hope you get the support he needs.

MangosteenSoda · 09/10/2022 20:24

AIBU is absolutely not the right board to pose SEN questions because the responses are invariably… lacking. Lacking in knowledge, lacking in empathy, lacking in most things SEN.

Have a conversation with school and find out what happened, who made that decision and on what basis that decision was made. Was any follow-up taken/needed?

In theory, I’m all in favour of assimilation and integration. Acceptance not just awareness. In practice, this doesn’t work well in this country and most mainstream schools are not well equipped (blame system and not individual schools) to successfully cater for a diverse community.

Good luck x

NotJustAnybody · 09/10/2022 20:29

I have every sympathy OP as I've been there. It's a long road. My DS was diagnosed with ASD at 5. He couldn't regulate his behaviour and was often 'removed' from situations. Your heart bleeds for them. Have a chat with school to put your mind at ease and find out why this happened, if it's an isolated incident, what the triggers were, actions plans going forward.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/10/2022 20:37

Logistically very unlikely for a reception-aged child to be in the hall eating at the same time as the oldest class in a primary school.

Kite22 · 09/10/2022 20:38

I also never stated I was going to the teacher all guns blazing either, I am a calm person by nature

yet, your title says
Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch
and your op says
I think its a fcking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off?*

Hmm
Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 20:43

Kite22 · 09/10/2022 20:38

I also never stated I was going to the teacher all guns blazing either, I am a calm person by nature

yet, your title says
Furious they've made my son sit alone at lunch
and your op says
I think its a fcking disgrace to make any child sit alone at lunch.
Am I being unreasonable for being downright pissed off?*

Hmm

So because I'm a calm person I'm not allowed to be annoyed when it comes to my child? Lol im sorry I should have said I'm usually very laid back and not a confrontational person but yes I do get cross when it comes to my child

OP posts:
kirinm · 09/10/2022 20:43

This is the second thread I've read today where the reception age child has ADHD or awaiting a diagnosis and the theme of the responses has been the same. Your child is no more important than anyone else's etc etc.

OP my DD started in reception this term and told me she was lonely and didn't have anyone to play with and it really upset me. I would feel exactly as you do if I thought she'd been made to eat alone. I totally understand your feelings

I would speak to his teacher though and try and work out what has happened. Is he upset?

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 20:44

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/10/2022 20:37

Logistically very unlikely for a reception-aged child to be in the hall eating at the same time as the oldest class in a primary school.

Says who?

OP posts:
Algor1thm · 09/10/2022 20:45

I can totally see why the idea of this is upsetting to you. But do bear in mind this story was relayed to you by a child who likely only saw or understood a small part of what was going on. Your son has said he was hugging other children. Let's say he was asked to stop several times and wasn't able to control himself from the impulse to carry on, and as a result other children were having their wishes about being touched/grabbed violated, and also likely being obstructed from eating their lunch. What is a lunchtime supervisor supposed to do in this situation? One of the other children may have been very upset and asked to have him moved away. If she refused, the other parent could be angry as you are for the school not protecting her child. Maybe your son only had a few bites of his lunch left to finish and was sat alone for a couple of minutes max.

All of this is pure speculation of course, but you have almost no information about this situation so the possibilities of what actually happened are endless. I wouldn't even bother going in about it. Your child is hitting teachers and by the sounds of it hugging other children against their will - they have a duty to keep everyone safe before any other duty. I'd focus all my efforts on getting him an EHCP so he can have a 1:1 member of staff there to support him with appropriate social participation.

Original poster
Mummyto2BBs · 09/10/2022 20:47

kirinm · 09/10/2022 20:43

This is the second thread I've read today where the reception age child has ADHD or awaiting a diagnosis and the theme of the responses has been the same. Your child is no more important than anyone else's etc etc.

OP my DD started in reception this term and told me she was lonely and didn't have anyone to play with and it really upset me. I would feel exactly as you do if I thought she'd been made to eat alone. I totally understand your feelings

I would speak to his teacher though and try and work out what has happened. Is he upset?

Thank you, I'm pretty sure I read the same thread! Let's hope those people never find themselves in the same situation!

OP posts:
LemonPledge555 · 09/10/2022 20:48

If he’s at school at 4 and niece is in P7, then he’s be a fairly young P1? 100% honest, I have a young in year child (Scotland) and considered holding her back. If I was awaiting assessment for anything I almost definitely would have. Is that an option? Not judging, just checking. As you’d hope that nearly half a term into P1 hed have settled by now. Or is he in preschool?

HikingforScenery · 09/10/2022 20:49

Your DH should be angry at the noon finish time but what’s he doing about it? It sounds like the school can’t meet his needs, you might yo
find one which can.

If he’s hugging people, it means they’ve not done their job of teaching him about personal space effectively and are not managing his need properly. Is he on the SEN register? What have they done to support him so far?

To get him to sit on his own to eat is a blooming disgrace. Ignore anyone who says it isn’t- they’re talking nonsense.

You need to go into school and speak to the senco to find out more. All the best, OP. You’ll find the right provision for him- here or elsewhere, but it’ll be a challenge, I’m afraid.

kirinm · 09/10/2022 20:49

LemonPledge555 · 09/10/2022 20:48

If he’s at school at 4 and niece is in P7, then he’s be a fairly young P1? 100% honest, I have a young in year child (Scotland) and considered holding her back. If I was awaiting assessment for anything I almost definitely would have. Is that an option? Not judging, just checking. As you’d hope that nearly half a term into P1 hed have settled by now. Or is he in preschool?

My DD started reception this term and tomorrow will be the start of her 4th week of full days. There are lots of kids not even close to being settled.

Kamia · 09/10/2022 20:51

I've worked as a SEN TA sounds like he perhaps gets overwhelmed and can't regulate his emotions causing him to lash out. In that case the teacher sat him on his own where it's a bit more quiet. I've worked with occupational therapists and they advise when a child's emotions are heightened take them away and bring them back when they are calmer. Seems like the school is doing the right thing and want to avoid a meltdown. Sometimes it can also be trial and error with special needs children because each child has different needs so they might be exploring what works.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 09/10/2022 20:52

I am parent with autistic child who was diagnosed at 2, I think u r being unreasonable to be furious at the school when u have no idea why ur child sat alone and for how long. I'm pretty sure lunchtime staff at a school are not evil and just like making children feel bad or alone. The only information is from a child. Obviously the other issues are bigger and can understand fustration. When a child is overwhelmed moving them away from a situation is like first port of call, so as he's struggling in general and ur needing to go back to before lunchtime I assume he is struggling during lunch time. So moving away would make sense.