Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

Regarding buying a house...yes of course we are looking into it. It is our goal. Therefore we do not want to touch our savings.

Since having kids going at daycare we are not able to save anymore. Or at least not consistently.
I never thought about those 600/month because i thought MIL needed them. I love them, we have a great relationship.

I always gave for granted she was really counting the pennies. The lifestyle she held...it is not a luxury one.
DH even paid young DB braces...and i gave the fucking green light!!! How stupid am I?

I think the question is about his loyalty to you and your little family. All of YOUR resources are committed, and only part of his resources are committed. It's disloyal and basically comes off as using you and what you bring to the family, as a resource for his desires. And calling you "greedy" is the kicker.

Sorry, of course i meant "I love her" - not them.

Honestly?

I don’t think there’s a thing you can do about this.

That £600 is going to keep on flowing to her and you either make your peace with it, or you do something drastic, like leave, which I don’t think you’re willing to do.

If anything, with the younger brother likely to move on, it’s only going to increase.

Really sorry, OP. I would not be OK with this either.

What inheritance tax? She rents and 'only' has £100k in the bank.

Sounds like MIL has it made as the 'poor widow' while she has her deceased DHs inheritance and three sons to pay her bills for her.

Why isn't living off her own inheritance then?

You seem like such a lovely person to have been so willing to help out your MiL but I think you're very right to be annoyed. There's many people older than her that still work, she's happy to sit back and hold out her hand

It gets worse.

So you’re not able to save any more? But you’re still sending her money?

That’s actually not justifiable.

"OP said she was a SAHM all her life and she is now 68, not going to find many jobs now really is she?

The 600 a month if you can afford it would not bother me as much if I knew that if and when she needs care, her savings will pay for it. Or will she expect you to pay for it? So she can keep her savings?

I don't see the point in your keeping those savings topped up when ultimately they could all be taken by the state to pay for her care. Surely better just to use the savings and then start contributing if she needs it?

How do you both treat your incomes? Separate or family pot? Is the £600 coming from his salary or the family pot?

Interesting. Several posters think that his family is just his wife and kids....you talk about his little family....his mother and brothers are family too. My dad was made bankrupt when we were financially having quite a tough time. My dad was in his 50s and working more than full time. My mum was working in a nursing home. They had rented all their life and at fifty plus were paid to leave a rented property. It was enough to put down a hefty deposit, so they bought. My parents were not very wordly wise and my dad bought a private car hire company that the house seller also wanted rid of. Within two years my parents were bankrupt as all the cars in the business were clapped out and the house had lots of problems. Long story short we paid their mortgage for 12 years. I had three kids at uni...we were paying all their rents, giving them £50 a week each to live off as well as the uni fees up front. I was nursing and working three jobs, knocking in fifty to sixty hours a week. My husband working the same hours. He never reproached me for doing that, he had helped his parents out for years before we married. I never regret helping my parents.

That is very odd that his dm would except money from him like this all things considered. I would be very annoyed too as if you are married this is your money too.

This lady has had handouts her entire life, but also doesn’t seem to like to spend it either. Is all quite odd. YANBU

MIL money comes out of DH bank account. Not from the family pot.

This is crazy! I would be absolutely livid!

Half the world disagrees with you on that one. Maybe 3/4.

Sorry but I think your in the wrong here.

you have already said that the money going to her hasn’t caused any issues to your lifestyle and you have been aware of this transfer for quite some time. If DH is happy to spend his money on his mum while being able to keep his family in a decent lifestyle that’s his choice.

my only concern would be what would happen when she needs care or passes on.

You can’t afford to buy a house yet you send your mil 600 a month. Time your DH put his wife and children first.

Then it's his choice as that's how you arrange your finances. But who decides the size of the family pot?

Outrageous. He's taking from his wife and two children to give his very wealthy mum. Not okay. And to call you greedy. Cheeky shit.

No it’s not a good point at all. Inheritance tax on £100k = £0.
ZERO.

I'd be irritated if I was working hard to support my family as well as bring up 2 children whilst my MIL had sat on her arse at home all her life.

OP, you should start sending 600 a month to your mum as well, see how your DH likes that.

Not caused an impact on your lifestyle - except you haven’t bought a house you mean?

DH personal account is also still family money.

If neither of you own property, you might combine resources and get a deposit down on a property, making sure you and your DH have the inheritance from that 'written in stone'. As you are effectively keeping her, it might be a way forward for you all.