Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

Is your DH from a Chinese or Asian background OP?
My DH is Chinese and he supported his mother throughout his working life until she died. Where he is from this is a cultural expectation and it was never a problem as we could afford it comfortably.
However it your case it seems unreasonable that the payment continues when your MIL has the same level of savings as you, a family of 6 and you do not yet own your own home. But I can also see it would be difficult for your DH to stop the financial contribution. Does his brother also support your MIL?

he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings).

That's a lie by omission and yes, I'd be angry too. He deliberately misled you.

Is this a cultural thing OP- ie your husband is from a culture that children regularly send money to their parents out of interest?

Have to be honest I would be sizzling and stopping it right now.

She'd get housing benefit to help towards the rent once she's spent her £100,000. I'd be furious. Your husband has lied to you by omission and he has done it on purpose, I assume because he knows how ridiculous giving his mum £600 every month when she's financially comfortable

If this is real (because frankly I can't believe it) then yanbu. If you can't afford a cleaner. Definitely yanbu.

That’s mad. What are her savings for then? She should be using them to top up her pension/earnings if she doesn’t get enough to live on. If she then needs some help at some point in the future when she’s down to a few thousand, then you can help her out. Until then, this would not be coming from joint money in my household.

She’s sitting on 100k, he’s giving her a lot of money every month, and you don’t have your own house? He should be putting his wife and kids first and putting that money towards a house.

So you’re scrubbing his toilet while he funds his mums lifestyle?????? Instant divorce if it was me and I’d take him to the cleaners. After all he has no problem finding another woman’s lifestyle.

I’d hit the roof and seriously consider whether I wanted to stay married

Sorry OP I misread your original post - you are a family of 4 (not a family with 4 children). Also I see you have answered about the brother's contribution

And yes the fact that she has savings means that she won’t be getting housing benefit - which is usually up to around £500 for a single person.

so she would get almost the same amount if you hadn’t sent and continue to send the money

his decision has had a devastating impact on your and your childrens financial future

The OP knew about the money though didnt she, she knew how much and how often and she hasnt objected before unless Ive missed it

The only difference now is that she has learned that her mother in law has money in accounts that she could be using for that income instead.

So he's subsidising not one, but two adults. Your MIL has clearly chosen not to work, what about the brother who still lives at home?

Increase your working hours to 60% so you can afford the cleaner you want.
He came clean to you about the support he was giving his mother. I imagine if you’d been against it, he would not have pursued the relationship.

You can’t tell him that the payments have to stop. He’s not a child and you agreed. Yabu

She might need the money to top up the rent she’ll lose from the youngest brother.

Also out of interest, are you of different ethnicities?

Press,ably she's not planning on leaving her estate to be split between the three brothers, considering your husband has paid for most of it.

I think she should give you the £100k to add to your £100k to use as a deposit. The £600 pcm should cease but she should move in with you and dh to provide childcare.

But I'm not much younger than your MIL and still work full-time as I have done since the dc started school.

I don't think she's well off but I think the DB's and her are taking the tiddle.

FWIW DH parents plead poverty. Three Dc remember being a bit hungry and sharing a cornet on holiday. The house was/is the house that time forgot. When FIL died they found a cool million in the bank.

However, they never took a bean off their DC. I think your MIL's been bang out of order for years. She has needed a job.

What does your DH think her savings should be spent on if not her retirement?

Is she keeping the £100k aside in case of care needs later, seeing as she doesn't own a house? That might actually be a good reason to 'keep the powder dry' on that sum when she has what sounds like very little monthly income.

I can't imagine taking money of my child if I was sitting on 100k

And you don't even oen your own home? Sod that

Why don’t you own your own home yet?

If you wanted to take a really really cynical view of it he is taking joint money out of your reach into a nice little nest egg for himself. If you ever split up that's all his.

I would be furious, I'd imagine you don't have £100k sat in your savings either which makes it even harder. I'd definitely stop the payments, maybe MIL can get a job if she is needing more money?

It'd be a no from me. If she's only just retirement age now why hasn't she been working once her children were at school? You've been funding this woman like a pair of mugs. Why did you let this happen in the first place? All that will happen is the money she's stowing away will end up funding her care home, she may as well spend it (or give you some back!!). Why haven't you bought a home when you have 100k in the bank? You'd have a lot more by the sounds of it if it wasn't for this woman. Time to let this woman stand on her own 2 feet and start spending her own money.

I think ultimately if family money is going where you don't want it, then that's a problem.

I would have absolutely of supported my mum, but then my DH would and was happy for that to happen, although she didn't have 100k in the bank, she did have savings that gave her the feeling she had her little security blanket.
She rented and didn't have a great pension, so we were happy to buy her anything she needed.

I think it's lovely he wants to help support his mum, but at the cost of your feelings that's not so lovely. He needs to respect your views on this wether they are right or wrong in his eyes.

Why don't you own a home OP if you have 100k in the bank ?