Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

Yeah I would be absolutely furious too. 600 is a lot and could make such a difference to family life, meanwhile your MIl is hoarding it.

If he’s a high earner supporting his family well, which it sounds like he is, I think he’s earned the right to send money to his own mother if he wants to.

What’s her pension like? Does she own or rent? Perhaps they both view the savings as her only cushion up until she dies and want to preserve it for as long as possible.

I think the key to this is to find out why your dh thinks this is remotely normal or needed. You're allowed to react - it took my dh's shock to stop me sending joint money to my dad- who certainly didn't have 100k in the bank.

What would feel more reasonable? £300? £150? £0?

Realistically she has come to rely on this, rather than use her savings and DH sounds like he likes to be needed. Did he take on a de facto “head of the house”role growing up?

You need to have a calm conversation and say that while you appreciate how he feels, you also need to support. £300 would more than pay for a weekly cleaner for you per month.

Has anyone talked about what happens to the savings when your MIL dies, hopefully not for many years but the last thing you want is to be giving away effecrively your DHs money as inheritance tax on MIL savings. What are her savings for? Future care home or medical bills?

Yes, that's really weird. 100k savings has a huge bearing on this.

Surely her savings are to help her afford to live why the fuck should your household supplement hers!

how much do you both have in your own savings accounts? How old is his mum? Is she retired?

You say the amount he sends his mum is not substantially making a difference to your life.

is it worth losing the good relationship with your MIL & straining your relationship with your husband?

how do you all split bills on your house? Suggest he send the money from his personal spending money and you pay for a cleaner as that’s something you need.

And you think it's ok for £600 a month of family money to continue to be sent to an adult who has £100,000 in the bank when the children could have had £300 each a month in savings? What makes you think it's the man's unilateral decision and not OP's business? So strange. Do you consider the money to be only the man's?

Pay for the cleaner from the joint household pot.

That's £64,800 that each of OP's children could have had in savings should the money have been transferred to accounts for them each month until their 18th birthdays...

Some random answers

My understanding is that she receives a very basic pension (she was a SAHM her whole life) plus FIL life insurance contribution (which is not a lot).
She is renting.

DH absolutely took on the head of the house role (he has an older brother which was already living outside when FIL died).

Wow!
I can't believe he's sending her this much she's got absolutely tonnes in savings!

I would divorce my husband in these circumstances.

If she was really struggling and you could afford it, fair enough. But you shouldn't have to suffer yourself if she has that much money in the bank. I would suggest you split it - you get a cleaner, and she gets a smaller amount every month.

This

Fuck, for that much money he could've bought her a bloody house.

Why cant she spend the savings?
Why does she 'need' £600 a month if she has £100k??

DH and I both work. We have in total circa 100k in savings which we saved before having kids and starting paying daycare - which we do not want to touch - hoping to buy a house in our lifetime.

I absolutely would not back down on this; £100k is 13 years worth of £600pm. The question should be asked, what exactly are the savings for if not to live on.
What age is she?

Bloody hell. No, YANBU.

I mean, he essentially just gives it to her to save - which makes no sense. If she was actively using it to live, I could understand but…yeah no. This would not work for me.

Yes he told me that her 100k are the safety net/cushion for her whole lifetime.

She is 68 years old

I would be absolutely furious about this. That money, saved in high interests accounts, would go a long way to securing the future of your children. Your MIL is not struggling if she has 100 grand I the bank!!