Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

I don't think anyone has suggested or implied that using the savings to pay the rent could potentially be classed as "deprivation of assets".

Well.... the thing is, that you do mention that MIL helps out with babysitting.

You don't want to be one of those AHs who thinks that grandparents OWE their kids free babysitting for the grandkids, so it's possible that your husband thinks it's reasonable to give her that money as payment for her help - like you would any other babysitter.

If you really think the amount is too high for the hours she babysits, you can talk to your husband about adjusting it.

But I'm not surprised that suggesting you cut it off entirely when you admit she babysits for you is not going over well with your husband.

Make absolutely sure that you acknowledge what she does for you, agree that she deserves compensation, and THEN say you'd like to have a look at the amount/budget and discuss whether it's a workable amount for the family - not to cut it off, but to consider adjusting it to make sure everyone's needs are met.

But surely most grandmothers don't babysit their grandchildren for the £££. Even less when they're sitting on £100k.

Sunflowerseverywhere You're "hoping to buy a house in our lifetime"!!! So you do not already have your own house? So why the feck is he giving his mother this ridiculous amount of money, when it could be going towards the mortgage on a house for your family? He sounds crazy or mother obsessed to me. Does he have an Oedipus complex or something?

Sorry I'd take my 50k of your savings and go, men like this are just hell

Ask him to halve it to £300 a month as a compromise.

Kind of agree with this.

Take it while it's there ... because he's busy giving your family money to his mother who has a massive savings account.

You're all a bit mean. Just reduce it by the cost of a cleaner, use your savings to buy your own house, keep the lovely relationshio. It's too late now for her to get a job or buy a house at 68. Family should help each other, just maybe not to this degree.

You can’t save anymore because of daycare costs so why doesn’t MIL earn her £600 and provide childcare

Sorry but grandma is being mean as well. Not only to her son but her grandchildren. It's selfish to be asking for money while sitting on £100k. She needs to say no thanks let me use what I have then ask when she doesn't have. No point sacrificing children for the grandmother who is not doing too bad for herself.

If she needs residential care when she is older all of that money will go to the state to pay for it. Or if she doesn’t need care, half will surely go to her other son when they split her assets.

I’d be raging, you have a healthy savings pot yourself to be fair but you have kids and don’t own your own house yet?

I also find this quite odd, my parents are just a few years older and they’d be far too proud to ever take a penny off their kids.

No it isn't!

It just shows neither of you have the first idea about inheritance tax works and are just spouting rubbish.

I’m wondering why your DH doesn’t buy his mum a house so she’s not having to rent? If he’s shelling out as much as that and it’s basically being burnt in rent. And then there will be a house at the end of it which would be an amazing inheritance for the grandkids. Depending on her age I can understand that she might want to have substantial savings to have built up for any future care home scenario. Poverty is a mindset sometimes, perhaps she’s very worried about the future especially if renting. I would try to gently suggest that some legal document is drawn up showing these gifts to his mother, so there is no awkwardness between your husband and his other siblings later on.

I'm lost here....

She gets 600 per month , has a 100K and rents ????

They have 100K in bank too and both work and rent ???

What the fuck? Even if they live in London, this is money down the drain when they could afford something with help to buy, part buy part rent, whatever, any of those schemes are better than paying a landlord.

These are fundamentals! As another poster said , combine the cash, 200K deposit, buy something, especially as interest rates rise, they'll probably reach 10% next year , the time to buy is NOW.

It's a strange situation, for sure!

So, with 100k in the bank, she isn't on any means-tested benefits, unless she's spent years defrauding the system. Assuming she has some form of pension being 68 years old, but how does she pay the rent and other bills if she's been a sahm her entire adult life? The £600 won't cover even half!

I’m gobsmacked that any grandparent would charge for babysitting. That’s worse than the £600 quid thing.

Regarding 100k - if the gp ever needs a carehome residency it will be gone in 2 yrs or less

Exactly. I just cringe at the lack of financial planning here. I mean it’s even worse than that actually it’s basically throwing money away.

That money as a deposit and his money paying the mortgage, would be a far more sensible option.

Nah I would be livid. 100k is plenty for 68 year old to live comfortably as a single person. I understand that your husband wants to help his mum but he needs to prioritise this young family, his mum is not going to starve & she’s a grown woman who can look after herself.

if he wants to continue the £600 a month then it should for from his personal spends, not the ‘family purse’ that £600 could have been put away for your children’s future.

id ask bro-in-law if he’s going to start contributing to the upkeep of his mother as he is her son also. I guarantee BIL would be on your side & say no

This! Who puts 100k in a bank account 😩😩
OPs husband needs to see a financial advisor or even a mate who has a basic clue about saving money. This is insanity. Money spent on rent for both couples and thousands sitting in bank accounts
and neither owning a home!

Well if it was the other way round it would be deemed unacceptable - my MIL is sending her adult son £600 a month even though he has £100k in savings.

Fuck no!
So you have to rent and pay money into her savings?
Tell him your children deserve a house that £600 is the difference in renting and buying. Is he a good husband/partner/friend/dad apart from this?
Youre not going to see that money back when she dies and all that wasted money on renting!
He doesn’t value you, culture or no culture

you don’t own your own home and he’s giving away that much money 😳

I think you just need to sit down and talk it all through, set some reasonable expectations. You're bonkers to be sitting on £100k and paying rent rather than buying (if this is what you're doing?)

You need to know what MIL's monthly outgoings are. What she would want her children to inherit on her death. Whether she understands inheritance tax and the way care funding works. Bleak but it needs thinking about.

She might be happy to keep a portion of the money and put the rest into trust funds for GC or something - keeps everyone happy.

Don't keep giving her £600 a month but don't blow everything up either.