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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

397 replies

Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 19:49

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 07/10/2022 20:13

What the fuck? I would be livid! 600 a month is a huge amount of money. Why isn’t she working? Sounds like one of those unhealthy mother-son relationships to me. You’ll always be second to his mother.

Darbs76 · 07/10/2022 20:14

This is out of order. £600 is a lot, and that money would be better placed in savings for your children’s futures. I don’t know rules around inheritance tax at all so might not be applicable but noticed someone referred to it up thread, but he could end up paying a load of IT on his own money.

My ex and his DB have been paying their mothers bills since their dad died. Again she’s got savings, quite a fair bit and lives in a house worth over 1 million (purely based on location in central london, it is in a bad state) and she doesn’t need this money. But she looks at it based on income v outgoings, and said she couldn’t afford her bills. Well no not based on the pension credit etc she got but I know my mother would never take money from my brother and I when she’s got savings in the bank. It’s not a huge amount anyway and it’s their choice and I guess it’s a cultural expectation. But £600! That’s a lot of money, assume her circumstances have changed too since he started giving that. I guess it’s hard for him to change things now but he can just say he’s saving for his children’s future

Softleftpowerstance · 07/10/2022 20:14

Renting in retirement is scary, so given your answers I can see why they’re both a bit cautious. But I think it’s reasonable to have a conversation about when she’ll start dipping into savings.

Does DH have siblings? If the money remains untouched will it come back via inheritance anyway?

Are you somewhere in the country where £600 pcm plus a contribution from her would cover a mortgage?

BeastOfBODMAS · 07/10/2022 20:14

Would your DH be open to having some impartial financial advice on any potential inheritance tax implications of this arrangement?

Might help him reconsider if a large % of the ‘cushion’ would eventually go to the taxman

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 20:14

I would deal with this by hiring the cleaner and doing the other stuff you want to do and just saving less/nothing at all. Then tell your DH it's up to him if he wants to continue to send money to his mother, but you will not be compromising on your standard of living to allow him to do so and he will have to accept it means that his/your plans will take longer. If he wants to get a second/weekend job to make up the difference, that's up to him.

Nyna · 07/10/2022 20:15

Does not make sense. What if she passed unexpectedly and then you had to split her inheritance with your DH’s brother? And pay taxes on it?

Help her when she needs it, not before! If you had those savings maybe you would have bought a house and therefore would have been able to save more monthly (to help her better in the future if needed).

OnaBegonia · 07/10/2022 20:15

If she's 68 and actually SPENT £600pm it will last 13yrs.
She's got a brass neck continuing to take it off him.
Do you both share finances?

Softleftpowerstance · 07/10/2022 20:16

Her savings are well below the inheritance tax threshold!

Fewer than one in ten estates even pay inheritance tax!

Darbs76 · 07/10/2022 20:17

Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 20:07

DH and I both work. We have in total circa 100k in savings which we saved before having kids and starting paying daycare - which we do not want to touch - hoping to buy a house in our lifetime.

So you haven’t bought your own house yet? This £600 would make a difference to your life as it’s extra deposit for when you do purchase a house

Coucous · 07/10/2022 20:17

Wow, that wouldn't be me!
So she has other children, who presumably give her nothing?
When she dies will she leave them the money you have been giving her? Even if left to your children - you'd be paying inheritance tax on it.
You don't own a home yet? - You mentioned you would like to buy one. . .

I would get the cleaner and open 2 savings accounts and pop 200 each every month for the children. He'll have to find a way to top up the deficit.

As you're married the money is for both of you, not just his.
What would happen if you took 600 and sent to your family? I suppose he wouldn't agree with that? Does MIL have her own house?

Could she take in a lodger perhaps?

Dox9 · 07/10/2022 20:18

Your dh wants to support his mum and sibling. You say 600 doesn't make a material difference to your family. I would support my dh in these circumstances.

Original poster
Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 20:19

DH has 2 DB. Both adults now.
DB1 is older and he does not contribute.
DB2 is younger, still living at home with MIL and paying a bit of rent.

DH is actually already panicking at the idea that DB2 will soon leave and stop help with the rent.
And i was worried as well until i found out about the savings.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 07/10/2022 20:20

I hate this bullshit from parents pleading poverty when they have tonnes of money. Mil is always pleading poverty, but her dh and her are always on holiday and once spent about £8k to have a butler for their room. Always travelling, hip replacements on the private, dental work in the private, pensions from the civil service. Absolute bollocks!
Your dh need to stop sending money, she’s an adult and can sort her own shit out.

DismantledKing · 07/10/2022 20:20

ClocksGoingBackwards · 07/10/2022 19:53

If he’s a high earner supporting his family well, which it sounds like he is, I think he’s earned the right to send money to his own mother if he wants to.

It’s not his money, it’s family money

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 07/10/2022 20:20

But your dh is her safety net/cushion. She could spend her savings at £600 a month for 13 years while you put the money towards a house. If necessary in 13 years time your dh can start paying her again.
She’s young yet but if she ends up in a care home they’ll have most of her savings off her to pay for it.

OnaBegonia · 07/10/2022 20:21

Panicking about her rent, I suggest she digs into her £100k.
Your DH is deluded, that could be £7k per year into your house fund.

PrincessButtercupToo · 07/10/2022 20:21

Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 20:07

DH and I both work. We have in total circa 100k in savings which we saved before having kids and starting paying daycare - which we do not want to touch - hoping to buy a house in our lifetime.

So it sounds like the money he’s been sending hasn’t really stopped you being able to save too.

Does he earn more than you do? If so he may view this as coming from his excess, I.e. left over after he’s contributed the same amount as you have.

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2022 20:21

If you have plenty to live on and therefore can easily afford this I wouldn’t be too bothered. But it sounds like your family have gone without whilst she’s been saving your family money.
I’m afraid that from now on, I’d insist on calculating all the household living costs, each of you paying a % of your salaries into a joint account to cover them and then I’d tell him to fund his mother’s savings account with whatever he had left.
The irony is that she would most likely be eligible for benefits if she didn’t have such huge savings!

WulyJmpr · 07/10/2022 20:22

That's shocking. Money should be flowing down the family tree if anything not up.

EmmatheStageRat · 07/10/2022 20:22

Assuming your parents are still alive and you have a good relationship with them, why not transfer the same sum as ‘support’ for them each month - and ask them to put the amount in savings for your children? How could your husband argue with this?

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 20:23

Why don't you add your £100,000 and her £100,000, use it as a big deposit on a house big enough for you all, or with an annexe, and use the £600 he's currently sending to her a month towards a mortgage?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 07/10/2022 20:23

Although having seen your last post about the DB moving out - be careful. I can see the suggestion that dh stop paying, you get a bigger house, and she move in with you. Perhaps don’t rock the boat!

Original poster
Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 20:24

DH and I were earning exactly the same until i reduced hours after we had our first child. Now i earn circa 60% of his salary.

OP posts:
rivermanblows · 07/10/2022 20:24

35965a · 07/10/2022 20:04

I would divorce my husband in these circumstances.

aye I’m sure you would, just like that

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2022 20:25

I would be telling him that this payment is stopping immediately, and if it does not, your marriage will be in serious jeopardy.