Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

I would be angry in those circumstances too. My situation has similarities to the position of your DH. My elderly parents (not in the UK) have no income of any kind and I completely financially support them. I have supported them partially for years, but since the pandemic (my dad had a business which just stopped because of it) I send them the full amount they need to live on. I am a high earner, DH is a non-earner (he does everything else) and he supported what I was doing.

I have recently found out that my dad is doing some work again (despite being 80!) and has put a little money by (about £5k). I don't begrudge him this, my support of him was not set out as conditional, and it must be nice for him to have a cushion to maybe buy some luxuries etc. My DH was a bit hmmm about it, but give that I also fully financially support his two (adult university student) daughters, and have done since they were twelve, we can't really argue about it.

If it turned out that my parents had a big savings pot of the order of magnitude of OP's MIL, then we would both be pretty angry and the payments would stop immediately!

This is the angle from which I'd approach it as well. The family sounds absolutely terrible at financial planning...this is just a ridiculous situation. So I'd say with younger brother potentially leaving home soon and MIL being of pension age you all need to go and sit down with a financial advisor and work out the best plan for going forwards.

Two households with a combined £200k in savings throwing away £600 a month and both paying rent is financial insanity.

So you have to rent and pay money into her savings?

No, they don’t have to rent. They’ve got a healthy deposit for a property but for some obscure reason, known only to themselves, are choosing to rent. It seems that the entire family is financially illiterate.

Well that’s the end of sending £600 a month from now on.

Is it? It doesn’t look like the payer of the £600 a month agrees with you.

I guarantee older DB will be left everything or at least the lion's share once she passes. Youngest DB may get some but I bet DH gets absolutely nothing

YANBU

What I don’t understand is why you and your MIL each have £100k savings?

You say you are saving for a house but haven’t been able to do so because of childcare. Are you also renting or do you already have a home and a mortgage? Or are you expecting to buy in cash?

Essentially…Why are you both hoarding money?

How about borrowing 50k from MIL, or even use the whole amount and buy a house for you (anything else and DH's siblings will have rights over your house) where MIL can live in so you won't have to give her money for rent anymore. The 7200 p.a. that you give her now will go back to her bank account to rebuild her savings. It is the VERY LEAST that MIL can do after all the sacrifices her GOOD son has made. MIL can make a will saying that DH's siblings are to be given inheristance first if whole amount hasn't been rebuilt.

Tell her that you can't keep postponing buying a house. Your DH seems extremely loyal and if she again mentions his siblings sidelining him once more, or she doesn't trust him to pay her back say that it is insulting and likewise you don't trust her to give him inheritance that matches his commitment.

And FGS, I hope your husband saves all monthly statements that show that he has paid 10s of K over the years so they don't claim that they were wronged. And in the end if social care needs money your DH can pay them back in installments the whole amount but now you will have a house.

@catandcandle
Whether you're a high earner or not why has this financial burden been put on you?
Fully supporting your SDs? do they have a mum? why does your DH not work?

@Sunflowerseverywhere are you 100% sure the older DB is not also giving his Mum a regular amount each month and that is why she doesn’t want him knowing about your monthly contribution?

@OnaBegonia those are all complex family questions in my case, and there are good reasons for all of that. To give the simple answers:

SCs' mum is not really in the picture (not in the same country and pretty uninvolved for her own personal reasons). DH and I raised the children. It was a privilege to do so and they are like my own children.

DH has been a SAH father since our own child was born because that made sense financially. His job would have taken him away for long periods, our child has complex special needs, and the childcare would have cost more than he would have been making in his job, plus he would have been away from his child about half the time. He supports me in my earning capacity, by doing the childcare, running the home (all cooking, shopping etc etc) and many other things which I do not have time to do. (He is also currently building us a house). Importantly he is able to be always available for our child at a moment's notice if needed, which I am not because of the nature of my work.

I do not consider any of my financial commitments to my family a "burden". I am the breadwinner, that's my role. Would you ask the same questions if DH was a SAH mum rather than a dad?

Good point!
Maybe she has another 100k stashed elsewhere and one day she’ll disappear on a cruise and say bye to the lot of them!

This. If their culture is that children support their parents it would seem odd that she's getting nothing from the older brother, when dh is prepared to forego owning his own home to support his mother.

Get external advice and share it with the family. No doubt the advice will be to stop sending her the money until her savings drop below the benefits threshold.

Why isn’t older db paying her something
what is his family status and job

younger db does

£600 a month is a lot when saving for own house and when she has £100k in savings

DB needs to know this. He is making assumptions without understanding the whole picture. I suspect it will be very messy when she dies. I also bet she leaves everything to the other brothers thinking they need it.

…or, like others have said, she is getting money from him too and not wanting either of them to know.

I am so jealous that people have 100k in savings and can hand out £600 a month 😟

omg this is madness.

all of it will go in a puff of smoke if she needs a care home. Over 100k in 18 months for my DF who died earlier this year. Anything you have over 24k will be used for that.

The other scenario is that when she does it will be shared between the kids - so it isn’t coming back your way then either!

re the having her stay with you that was vetoed by your BIL: I can’t believe he thinks you’d be getting ‘free childcare’ - at nearly 70 you would soon have been providing free care to her! Is this something you want to let yourself in for anyway (clue: not unless you are prepared for all of the possibilities - some of which are difficult).

Are you sure the young child isn’t his (different mother), and he’s paying for him/her?

THIS!!!!!

And yet they still rent !!!
I'd rather buy my own home and have security of tenure.

Does your husband understand that by giving her this money each month it will affect your own mortgage application?