Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

Honestly I wish I would be still in the dark regarding her savings.
I think the best of her, i was happy to help her.
It happens that i do grocery shopping for her as well while i am at it, and i always asked her for less that what i actually spent. I feel a joke 😂
Now i have to place this new information somewhere in our relationship.

Yeh fuck that, I would be furious too. A small safety net I would let it slide but not 100k.

So if the £600 is not effecting your lifestyle ,I am wondering why you cannot afford a cleaner ! Am confused!

Do we have the same MIL? Poor poor MIL just received a 300k+ inheritance and is mortgage free but apparently we should still send her money monthly?! Thank god DH woke up to that one

You tell your husband to quit sending her money is what do with this information. Tell him you want to hire a cleaner and that he can pay for it.

YABU to be “absolutely furious”

He’s been honest about the £600/mo since you met him and you agreed to it.

But, YANBU to question whether the £600/mo needs to continue. Just because we agree to something in a marriage, doesn’t mean we can renegotiate the terms as situations evolve.

I think now she is retirement age at 68 and younger DB is about to leave home, that MIL, DH and you should all get financial advice on the best way forward to plan her retired life. That £100k in savings might be enough to get her out of renting and into a small supported retirement flat.

It would be greedy to just say stop sending money because I want it. He just wants to ensure his DM is supported and carer for in her old age- that’s a good thing. You need to let go of the anger, that £100k is a good thing, thank goodness MIL has lived frugally as it gives her and you more options going forward.

I think it’s perfectly fair to say, while the £600/mo was good up until now, her living situation is about to change with DB leaving home and she is now state retirement age so let’s do some financial planning with an expert to get her in the best situation going forward. If that means you still send her a bit each month, fair enough, but let’s not ignore that her living situation is changing and she is getting older.

Can’t renegotiate…gah! Typos! Wish we could edit!

I can sort of understand it when MIL was younger, but most people accumulate savings to support them when they're older - and at 68, she's reached that age. What's she going to do with those savings (except pay for care) otherwise?

As his younger sibling might also move out soon, your DH could offer to sit with her and go through her finances, to see what she needs going forward. It's quite possible that she could live comfortably with a smaller contribution from him and slowly draw on her savings.

Emphasize the fact that her savings are for this time in her life, not decades in the future.

I would suggest to your husband that he ask for £90k back and use that to buy a home for her to rent from you, held jointly between you and your husband. If her income is low enough she will qualify for housing benefit, which will cover any maintenance you have on the home.

My ex husband supported his parents and sister and it made little to no impact to us. It was a privilege to help them out financially so they could focus on their health. My sister in law lost her husband to cancer. It took the pressure off and really it was the most rewarding thing I have done for anyone.

Your mother in law is very vulnerable and the £100k is probably the only money she has. Personally I think you are far better rejigging this arrangement because should there be a time when you can’t pay this £600 a month, she will be ok.

I think this is a very sensible way to approach it. Thanks for finding the right words while i am still digesting the thing.

What @Discovereads says is an even better way to approach it, get financial advice from an expert. It's also less easy to argue/ignore expert advice!

She may be keeping the savings to pay for full time care if she need it in due course. If that is the reason, I don't think it's unreasonable for her son to help her preserve that money.

Put it this way, maybe better to preserve those savings now than in a few years him turn round to you and tell you the only option is for his mother to move in with you both because she can't afford a carer.

OP stated clearly that her mother in law rents - she does not own a house.

Several mentions of inheritance tax:

There is normally no inheritance tax to pay if the value of an estate is below the £325,000 threshold.

If you give away your home to your children (including adopted, foster or stepchildren) or grandchildren your threshold can increase to £500,000.
If you’re married or in a civil partnership and your estate is worth less than your threshold, any unused threshold can be added to your partner’s threshold when you die.

Inheritance Tax rates
The standard Inheritance Tax rate is 40%. It’s only charged on the part of your estate that’s above the threshold...

www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax

Oh, thanks OP
Yes a financial expert would be good because they’d let MIL know about pensioner benefits she could be entitled to and instruct DH on how sending too much money would be a waste..while reassuring him she won’t starve or go without. Just sending £600/mo has become a habit. Send and forget. Time to be proactive and get her set up for a long happy retirement once DB has flown the nest.

Seems daft really as it will all go on care .. can't she give it back to you or at least stop paying her ! Madness !

Don't you both earn into one account? The money you both earn belongs to you and him, not just him?

This is financial infidelity. Your income isn’t separate, it’s a family pot between the two of you, which is why assets are usually split 50/50.

Your husband and your mil have omitted the truth of her actual financial situation and if you had known you wouldn’t have willingly contributed to her household.

Your husband needs to ensure that your contributions are documented and that they will added additionally to your share of a third of mils estate and the will is updated with this. The money also needs to stop now.

how ridiculous. If you don’t own a home into the bargain, I’m incandescent on your behalf. Your husband and yourself may not always have good health, a good income etc, what happens for your children’s future university, extra curricular activities and security if your grabby mil is pocketing a percentage of your income every month. You don’t know what the future will hold. Mil needs to update the will to ensure you get this money back and the payments need to stop.

So sorry op, financial infidelity is every bit as bad as cheating.

Point out that wanting to support your children properly is not being greedy, particularly given that ultimately the likelihood is that that £100K will disappear in care fees. Now that BIL is leaving home, perhaps one answer to your DH's worries is for her to downsize?

A 70yo with £100k in the bank and a pension doesn't need another £600 a month. If it were me I'd be embarrassed to accept it.

Given that she lives frugally, it would be better to let her live on her own money and then help her in the unlikely event that she needs help down the line.

You'll be spitting feathers if you donate tens of thousands more to her over the next 20 years and she leaves £100k to the local cat rescue. 😂😂😂

I also agree that your circumstances have changed with children and working part time etc I would suggest to DH you rethink your contribution and ask MIL to look into planing her retirement properly.

My issue would be presumably when she dies her savings will be split between equally her two sons. Meaning you and DH are funding his brother's inheritence. Perhaps both sons should contribute 300 and then you'd have enough for a cleaner.

@Coucous Many couples prefer to keep their earnings separate and transfer a certain amount into a joint account for bills, etc. My DH and I have been married for over 20 years and have always done this. It works for us!

Woah!

Most will likely go to the older brother who apparently doesn't give anything to MIL as he has lower income!

What a silly thing to be doing! It really should be the other way round. She/they should get some tax/ inheritance planning advice.