Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

397 replies

Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 19:49

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

OP posts:
Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 07/10/2022 20:51

Sending her £600 pm which she appears to have put into savings while she rents a house is total madness. It’s nigh on impossible to live on State Pension and pay rent. If your DH had bought a property (the £600 pcm paying the mortgage ) your mil would have a home for life and on her death / going to live in a care home you and DH would own a property you could sell, thus recouping the £600 pcm payments made. Did your DH not think of this?

LaPerduta · 07/10/2022 20:51

Softleftpowerstance · 07/10/2022 19:54

What’s her pension like? Does she own or rent? Perhaps they both view the savings as her only cushion up until she dies and want to preserve it for as long as possible.

That's not a cushion, that's a three-piece suite.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 07/10/2022 20:51

My understanding is that she receives a very basic pension (she was a SAHM her whole life) plus FIL life insurance contribution (which is not a lot).
She is renting.

How on earth has she saved £100K if she's on such a low income, even with your DH's top up?

She obviously isn't struggling at all. I'd be raging,

MimiSunshine · 07/10/2022 20:51

What does he mean, that without the transfer ‘she’ll be losing money every month’?

it sounds to me that without your £600 she’ll have to start using her savings to live on and if that’s not what they’re for, then what are they for?

YANBU to thoroughly pissed off about this, I’d be saying it either stops now or it only comes out of purely his money and you will be hiring a cleaner out of joint money.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 07/10/2022 20:51

I would honestly be livid, enough is enough now

HOTHotPeppers · 07/10/2022 20:51

So you've been working hard so she can sit on her arse? He cares more about his mother unfortunately, probably best for everyone if he moves in with her. Sad really considering how poorly his mother treats him and how much she prioritises herself over your husband, given you don't own a house.

Doggosforever · 07/10/2022 20:52

How long has it been going in for OP?

how old is the younger brother? Becaue you’re also working and going without a cleaner to subsidize him…

Coucous · 07/10/2022 20:53

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 07/10/2022 20:51

Sending her £600 pm which she appears to have put into savings while she rents a house is total madness. It’s nigh on impossible to live on State Pension and pay rent. If your DH had bought a property (the £600 pcm paying the mortgage ) your mil would have a home for life and on her death / going to live in a care home you and DH would own a property you could sell, thus recouping the £600 pcm payments made. Did your DH not think of this?

This is a good idea OP - but MIL foots the deposit from the money you've been sending her.

HOTHotPeppers · 07/10/2022 20:53

The thing is qswel, with those savings it affects her entitlement to benefits. She could use her own savings then claim help rather than taking money from her child.

NotJustAnybody · 07/10/2022 20:54

You don't even own your own house! What a warped sense of loyalty he has. He needs to get his priorities right and ensure his own family have a secure future. The DB living with his DM should have been supporting her. If he moves out and your DH is expected to pay more then it's unlikely you'll ever be able to own your own house. Something needs to change. Good luck!

DismantledKing · 07/10/2022 20:54

People do become very overinvested in these threads.

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 20:55

In fairness that money would go very fast were she to take ill and need long term care/ nursing accommodation. Are they factoring that into the budget and building a cushion for if that happens with old age? If you're able to live a good lifestyle which it sounds like you are and dh is secure in his work and earns highly enough then I don't think it's entirely unreasonable for him to want to take care of her long term and give her security. I think if she's good to you, your children and helps a lot with your childcare then I would probably just accept that your husband feels its his duty to look after her as she ages without his dad around. I don't think your reaction is unreasonable but it does sound like you haven't fully considered how quickly things can get expensive should she take unwell.

CraftyGin · 07/10/2022 20:55

It sounds like some financial advice is required.

For example, what happens if she needs to move into a care home?

Depending on the value of her house, some estate planning may be a good idea.

If your DH has reacted badly to your suggestion that he should not keep contributing, you should probably hold back a bit until he has time to process this information.

SiobhanSharpe · 07/10/2022 20:58

So it looks like your MIL is actually managing quite well with her pensions and rent money from her other son seeing as she has been able to save a very substantial amount.
Someone upthread made the very good point that when your MIL dies, she might well leave her estate equally to her three sons. So you'll get about 30k, as will the other two.(As she rents and does not own a property I presume she doesn't have much in the way of other assets.)
How does your DH feel about this?
Apart from the one brother who still lives at home and pays his DM rent -- does the other brother contribute anything, and if so is it a similar amount to you?
If your MIL dies intestate I think the three sons will still get equal shares of her estate.

Namechanger965 · 07/10/2022 20:59

Does she own her home or rent? Because I would be suggesting she downsizes and lives within her means.

DHs dad is currently terminally ill. His sister recently mentioned to DH that she had reassured their mum that ‘they’ would support her financially after his death. Fortunately DH told her we wouldn’t be. I wouldn’t see her destitute and on the streets but she is only in her 50s, grown up children and only works part time. I wouldn’t be funding another adults lifestyle, especially when they can make choices to help themselves.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 07/10/2022 20:59

Why don’t you own your own home yet?

Because they're giving too much money to his mother?

slimiscoming · 07/10/2022 21:00

Oh my goodness !!
People would be denied benefits for having this much money in their account. How on Earth can she sit back and allow herself to take £600 per mth? I would be very cross at this. She should be embarrassed

RedToothBrush · 07/10/2022 21:00

It might be reasonable if you owned a house and the mortgage was well paid off... but absoluetely no fucking way is this right if you don't have one. Thats YOUR and YOUR CHILDRENS' financial security being pissed up the wall, whilst she does fuck all.

This is a proper deal breaker for me in a relationship.

No way would I stand for it. ESPECIALLY because he's knowingly hiding this from you and his brother.

LemonSwan · 07/10/2022 21:03

The never ending stream of odd things on MN.

100k in savings destitute retired MIL who’s 68.

100k in savings family who can afford to send 600pm without it having an impact on their lives but can’t afford to buy a house

mysteries

Original poster
Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 21:03

Yes DH is from a different cultural background
The savings are partially late FIL's ones and various inheritances

young DB is very young and just started working, he is still at home but will leave i guess soon

It is sure inheritance will be split into 3 best case scenario (old DB could get more since he is doing worse financially)

The whole thing is so stupid and such a mess.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 07/10/2022 21:03

I would be furious, you can do a lot with £600 a month with a family.
If she had nothing I could understand but to have £100k savings it might actually break my heart coz that's very selfish

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 07/10/2022 21:04

He’s basically giving her money you could be spending now that, when she dies, will diminish due to a huge amount of inheritance tax. Doesn’t take a genius to work out that this is a terrible idea. I think she’s got more than enough of a cushion and this needs to stop.

Peachh · 07/10/2022 21:06

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 07/10/2022 21:04

He’s basically giving her money you could be spending now that, when she dies, will diminish due to a huge amount of inheritance tax. Doesn’t take a genius to work out that this is a terrible idea. I think she’s got more than enough of a cushion and this needs to stop.

Very good point re the inheritance tax.

Bonbon21 · 07/10/2022 21:06

So while you are looking after his kids, your future pension is reduced, but Mummy is alright Jack??
You should be topping up your own pension before subsidising his mother.

Doggosforever · 07/10/2022 21:07

At the rate of £600 per month it would take 13 years to spend that £100k - so she would ne 78.

i would
suggest she cracks on and uses it and you can provide support when she needs it. And in the meantime you can use the money to bill your own financial future

Swipe left for the next trending thread