Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

Extremely good point!

This

If she's got that much in savings she clearly doesn't need his £600 a mth! I'd be bloody fuming too. If you are married with kids surely it's joint money. I'd be persuading him to rethink this arrangement as seems an odd thing to do unless you are well off

Do they both know he is paying her money?

It could be years until the younger brother moves out. It's common for youngsters to still be at home in their 30s now.

MNland! Agree.

No home but paying 600 a month to a woman who is saving it.

Thinking it is reasonable for a husband to lie by omission that MIL is not poor, but happily saving while his wife thinks she is destitute and OK's paying for a siblings braces....while she rents a house as they can't afford a home.

Absolutely batshit...but its MNland🙄🤷🏻‍♀️so I guess it's okay🙄

My house cost 135,000. That is an insane amount of savings. Depending on her age, she could live off that and then some. He absolutely needs to stop sending that money, I'm in shock for you.

Is it your money he gives her? If he earnt it and it isn't impacting on your family finances then I don't understand the problem. 🤷‍♀️

That's awful. You do not have your own house. Stop him paying your family and children's money over to her.
Can you combine the money and have £200,000 deposit. What mortgage can you get? MIL will probably want her contribution covered so if you can get eg a £500,000 property she gets a 20% share. This she can leave in her will as she sees fit . This will potentially cost less than 2x rent which you are likely paying (your property rent and her £600/month) . If you don't want the hassle of moving in with her (and DH's younger brother?) then she needs to start eating into her savings (generously donated by you and DH) and eventually claim things like housing benefit. The financial affairs are a mess. You and your children come first.

And what's this about siblings braces ???? Going back to read past posts.....

If she has the basic state pension with your family giving her £600 a month she should be paying income tax. Is she?

There are rules about how much you can gift annually. I think your DH and your MIL might be falling foul of those rules.

I agree, it's ridiculous. Particularly if you are renting. That £600 is half a mortgage!

No home but paying 600 a month to a woman who is saving it.

No, the OP has stated:

The savings are partially late FIL's ones and various inheritances.

The MIL lives fairly frugally. The OP says:

My understanding is that she receives a very basic pension (she was a SAHM her whole life) plus FIL life insurance contribution (which is not a lot).

And she is renting.

Is the money coming out of the joint account? Things have changed since you got married including you both having children. I think that you both need to sit down and talk it through. Your husband was economic with the truth and that has now resulted in you feeling that you are being cheated. You have a right to know what else his mother has coming in financially and why she isn't working now, assuming that she is able to. It is obviously important to you to have a cleaner (I sympathise) presumably because you work and you want to spend quality time with your children. If you are not working then why would you need cleaners? But you also have to accept that your husband may not want to talk to you about it and that he may continue with the payments.

OP doesn’t say it’s family money. If DH is earning enough to want to support his mother as well as his wife and kids why shouldn’t he? OP doesn’t say if she has an income/ is working. 100k sounds like a lot but as you get older you feel anxious about how you will be if you have to go into care. Any of that not used would presumably be inherited by son and wife anyway. 100k would buy about 2 years in care. Mother may have kept that back to ensure that son and wife was not suddenly having to cough up for care. How would they feel if they had that situation or would they prefer to have had a clean house? It’s good she saved it. At the end of the day it’s not OPs mother or money. DH has been open. OP is displaying unseemly greed.

The OP said it wasn’t substantially affecting their lifestyle, so I can’t see it making much of a difference. If she’s 68 then £100k isn’t that much to cover potentially 30 years of expenditure on replacement stuff - cars, appliances, house repairs etc etc. It’s £3k a year. I think it’s unreasonable to slash the £600 and expect her to eat into those savings so early in retirement if her son is happy to and the family can afford to keep supporting her. And it seems the OP was until she became aware of the savings and, unreasonably IMO, decided that that was too much.

@Tryingtokeepgoing 98 is an unusual age to reach wouldn’t it be?

I have spent a small fortune on my sons education - he begged to go to a private 6th form for A Levels which cost me £32,000 and now at University I’ve racked up another £32,000 as his student loans haven’t cut it. His father has refused to contribute apart from small amounts here and there. I cashed in my pension and hopefully one day if he’s a success I wouldn’t mind some of it back! Perhaps that’s how your husband views his mum?

I’m so confused, this is his mother regardless of how much she has in her savings. If this money is really needed for your family to survive then yes I’d having a conversation about it. But you just want to hire a cleaner and maybe some other miscellaneous things.

It also depends of his ethnicity and yours. Some cultures, the son takes care of the mothers and father financially if they are unable and is there to support them if they are.

The same way you hope your children will be there for you and help if they able, she deserves the same from her son. Especially if you are living a comfortable life and the amount wouldn’t make much of a difference to you.

you also mentioned that your mother in law babysits for you and is a lovely person. It’s is not worth ruining a relationship believe me. And if it doesn’t end up going sour know that childcare ain’t cheap!!!

I could never ask my children to pay me back. If they are comfortable and want to do something for us then that's ok. I would really want them to be happy. If I can afford it I will give them something towards their houses to ensure they will be home owners and financially stable. I couldn't see myself taking from them while the struggle.

is your DH from a culture where this is the norm?
if he told you about it when you met, i dont see ypu cam complain now,.Also £100k isnt much if you dont also own a house,

A deliberate omission is a type of lie surely? YANBU.

@Coucous I never said I would ask or expected the money back - I said if he was “a success” (meaning wealthy in his own right) I wouldn’t mind some back as I’ve made myself financially vulnerable giving him my entire pension pot. I think he appreciates my sacrifices that’s all! I wonder if OP DH has a level of loyalty to his mother through the past and their shared experiences whatever that maybe 🤔

I wouldn't ever take that amount of money off my children even if they could afford it. She'd get interest from her savings too wouldn't she?