Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

The interest rate has been so rubbish for ages, it's probably sat in an easy access account doing nothing. I'd flip it over to atom and the interest would be 400ish per month.

I understand how you feel and can see the other side having looked after my own mum. 100k in savings if you don’t own a house perhaps is not so much in the south and could be a safety net for a nursing home in final years maybe? I was shocked at the 48000 a year price. If she owned a house and he was helping her would you mind as much?

I am not rich so 600 out of my budget would mean I couldn’t pay my bills etc. Maybe your husband is a high earner and wants to look after his mum. Perhaps the 100k comes back in a will to your DH or children? I also do understand that if you haven’t got earning power, living out of savings is frightening. 600 does seem a lot but it depends what rent is in your area.

Perhaps you can talk it all through to understand the feelings involved and you might see it in a different way. I’m not saying you are wrong but it may help to understand. I made big sacrifices to help my mum in her final years and that was really important to me.

YABU.

You have a privileged and comfortable lifestyle. £100k is not that much to support the 20 or 30 years your MIL could live.

You have a husband who loves his mother and believes strongly in family bonds, and is prepared to put his money where his mouth is. He will treat you the same ( though this could change if you try to argue him out of what he sees as the manifestation of his loving regard for his mother). If you want him to treat you with the same honourable regard he shows his mother, you will need to respect that regard.

Many men I have known claim to have one set of values yet behave with another. You are lucky not to have one of these.

You could cause a real rupture between you and your husband. You are financially privileged and secure. You have a good relationship with your husband and your MIL. You have a good and secure future ahead of you, both materially and emotionally. I would not dream of rupturing that for money you don’t need. And certainly not when doing requires you to argue your husband out of supporting his own mother.

@Hitatiks indeed - she had better toe the line or she’ll make her husband treat her poorly.

why on everything should a wife have a say in how the family finances (ie which are 50% hers) are spent.

the ideal system is where men get to decide and lucky women might be lucky enough to have a benevolent husnabd

Sorry MIL is taking liberties.

1. You don't have a home of your own.

1. Can't save anymore but sending £600pm which could have been your savings?

1. MIL doesn't want to move in with you as she thinks it means she has to take care of your children but she is taking away £600 from them. Yes, she's taking the money from your children as that could have been given to them.

1. £100,000 is salt on the wounds. She should spend that as care can be paid for by government. She could buy a small flat or buy a property with you and you move in together. Once finished she will be able to apply for benefits.

Sorry but you have to take care of your children first. Your MIL has other options. Do watch some Dave Ramsey and Google this topic. Totally unacceptable

Well isn't MIL onto a good thing? I couldn't sleep at nights, just taking all the time.
I'm 73 and still working ,the state pension is laughable. Up at 4 am to clean offices. My children have their own expenses and problems. We all help each other out when times are extra tough. I'd be far too proud to accept that when I had all those savings.

No. But if you someone is a person who treats people well, you cannot demand they stop treating others well, but not change their behavior to you.
This is who he is. This is the man he is. This is just a version of someone saying to their partner, ‘I love you, now change’. And that never really works, does it.
Or to quote another Mumsnet favorite , when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’

This is who he is.

4. £100,000 is salt on the wounds. She should spend that as care can be paid for by government.

Look up funding care and "deprivation of assets".

...or buy a property with you and you move in together. Once finished she will be able to apply for benefits.

Again, look at "deprivation of assets".

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/

Maybe she should give older DB his inheritance now. If she’s never going to spend it …
could she work at a supermarket till or something similar?

I don't think she can just give assets away like others suggest, "deprivation of assets" is investigated into and unlike inheritance tax (which I do not believe her estate is at risk of as she doesn't own a property) can go well beyond 7 years. Purchasing a property though (given what savings are frequently used for at some stage in life) I would not think of as "deprivation of assets" - as if it is solely in her name a charge could be placed over it for care costs etc .
I do think that OP and her family are not financially secure though as they do not own and aren't adding to their savings to help them buy. Tenants in the UK don't have the same level of security that can be found in some other countries.

Start looking to make your immediate family more secure OP.

I think it's great that your family is supporting your MIL given her previous circumstances.

I understand how shocking it must have been to learn that your MIL has 100k in savings. Especially when you want to have a cleaner and want to buy your own house.

You probably are thinking, well does she need the ongoing £600 if she is squirreling it away and that it would be more useful to your family as you have not been saving anymore money post having kids and your money now being diverted on childcare.

In all honesty I don't think your husband will stop giving money to your mum and I don't think he will ask back for the amount that he put in in order to buy your house. Is there anyway of reducing the money you give her maybe by suggesting that you can also save some money too.

I think the best suggestion is from a previous p.p and getting a financial advisor involved to independently make some suggestions. This will prevent you from appearing to be greedy.

My DH has from a working age always given his mum £400 a month. She has a husband.

Last year I learnt that she receives a pension, has disability allowance has properties from which she receives some income too. Her husband although retired also works and gets paid cash in hand.

This knowledge has largely pissed me off as we are looking to buy a house of our own and that money would be handy.

My understanding was that it was the MIL renting not the OP??
maybe I have missed something in the thread

How do you know she's not putting that aside so she can give it to you? After all, your hubby will get any money she has in her will, no?

I find your reaction a bit extreme. After all, if your hubby couldn't afford to send it, he wouldn't.

Absolutely ridiculous. The mil can use her savings and when they’re gone she would get free social care as she doesn’t have a home to sell. I’d tell the husband to tell her that once her money has gone, he will then step in to help (hopefully many years down the line) Help when help is actually needed

Won't apply as she doesn't have any other means to support herself. Can't be relying on her son forever as a source of income. Sorry he has his own family to look after. Which should be his priority.

I would too. It would eat away at me and destroy the relationship.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/

"What counts as deprivation of assets?

Deprivation of assets applies when you intentionally reduce your assets, such as money, property or income, so these won’t be included when the council calculates how much you need to pay towards the care you receive.
When your council is deciding whether getting rid of property and money has been a deliberate deprivation of assets, they will consider two things:

You must have known at the time you got rid of your property or money that you needed or may need care and support

Avoiding paying for care must have been a significant reason for giving away your home or reducing your savings.

It’s not just giving away your money that could be seen as a deliberate deprivation of assets. Different methods of reducing your money or property
could count too, including:

giving away a lump sum of money.
transferring the title deeds of your property to someone else.
suddenly spending a lot of money in a way which is unusual for your normal spending.
gambling the money away.
using savings to buy possessions, such as jewellery or a car, which would be excluded from the means test.

If the local council thinks that you have deliberately reduced your assets to avoid care fees, they may still include the value of the assets you no longer have when they do the means test."

You can only gift £3,000 pa to family members without tax implications. It's known as the annual exemption. And normally to do with Inheritance Tax - this is probably less of a worry for you right now.

In terms of a personal tax free allowance for your MIL she can receive £12,570 without paying income tax. Anything over and she should submit a self assessment.

The state pension is about £9,600 Pa. So your MIL can only receive an extra £3,000 ish without submitting a self assessment.

Your family is committing 2 different types of tax evasion (unless of course all this is explained via a self assessment for your DH and another for your MIL?)

If no self assessments are being submitted the max your DH should send to MIL is £250 pcm.

@Sunflowerseverywhere tagging you so you see my comment and a possible solution...if your DH wants to use more than £250 pcm to support his Mum I think he might be able to pay for bills directly? Therefore his mum isn't receiving the funds as income. So he could pay her energy bills or her rent. I'm not 100% sure if this IS a loophole, perhaps someone with more knowledge will come by and clarify?

It's not deprivation of assets if you are paying your own savings to pay your own rent bill ffs.

Romeo - a gift from a son is not income on which income tax is paid and is definitely not added to the other income to work out income tax. It is a gift. IHT is unlikely to apply - 90% of people in the UK don't pay it as they are not over the threshold.
Secondly someone said above money earned by someone in a marriage is jointly owned. That is not correct under the law. Instead a couple might choose to give the other some or put it in a joint account but do not haev to do so. However if they divorce then assets even in the name of the other spouse are counted in division of assets on divorce. That does not mean the money is owned by then jointly where only one earned it and that person has it in an account in their own name. There is a legal obligation in English law to support your spouse however but I think the husband is already doing this.

That does not mean I think the husband is doing the right thing however but it is legally his money to do what he likes with it.

I would be absolutely furious. That money could have gone to your children. Not sure I could move past it and would cause resentment that she accepted it.

On the positive side, your husband sounds like a generous caring person with strong family values.

Disovereads gave you some good advice. I think opening a conversation about situation being different when youngest DB of DH leaves home is a good one. And with external advice you might find options no one has thought of.

I did more research and discovered this. You can't claim tax evasion. Sorry OP.

I know there's no IHT I just wondered if some of those rules about giving apply (and now realise that something dodgy may have happened in own family...anyone know what the IHT levels were in 2002, 2003,2004 please?

Still I'd find a way to make this work better for both families. There must be a way. A PP made a suggestion about buying somewhere - that seemed like it might work? Personalities dependent of course.