Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

I’d feel so let down by this if it meant I wasn’t able to save towards a secure home for my own family. He’s giving away your money!

i also think this is a terrible idea from a financial planning viewpoint, if she dies your DH is handing 60k of family money to his siblings, if she needs a care home it’s going to be claimed for that.

Seeing as you genuinely like her, and presumably your DH!, to keep the peace I’d suggest that the money goes into a seperate saving pot in DH name that is earmarked for supporting her in later life. I’d also push for a big chunk of the savings back to go into that as well but one step at a time.

Ask your husband how he's going to feel when down the line you've spent tens of thousands 'supporting' his mother when she actually has decent savings to live off of for quite some time, and she splits what's rest between the 3 of you in her will... essentially gifting them your money. Or worse, gives the younger one more of your money to help him.

Surely it would make more sense for her to repay the money paid by your DH thus far, reducing her savings to below the benefit limit or letting her live off the remaining if there is any remaining after she has repaid your DH.
This would then mean she would be eligible for pension credits and I don’t know but possibly housing benefit which combined would be considerably more than £600, so in fact by helping your DH may actually have made both families much worse off.
The beauty is you can prove your DH has been paying her every month and therefore she can repay him from the £100k without the benefit people getting funny about it I suspect.
I’d definitely be talking to citizens advice to see exactly what she’d get a month without the 100k and to establish how much she can have in savings and be entitled to benefits.
If your DH is owed all of it, then you and your family could buy a house with that money and afford a mortgage, as you’d be £600 plus whatever you pay in rent now, better off a month.
Mil would either have to live on what remains of the 100k until her savings fall below the saving threshold for benefits and then she may find that she is paid more than £600 a month in benefits????
Not knowing how the system works for the elderly it’s definitely worth a Google as if pensioners can have housing benefit then I would definitely think she would be far better off a month on benefits than being helped out by your well meaning husband, what he has been doing, while extremely generous, may well have made you all worse off, but luckily it’s not too late to rectify the situation.
Fingers crossed that this can be sorted it out so it’s fair on everyone, she doesn’t have to feel guilty that her son is helping her out and you don’t have to resent what could be the difference between renting or buying your dream home.
if none of this works out I’d definitely be establishing that the 100k is earmarks for your DH and children in the will, as that is absolutely your money and should not be split three ways unless the other two sons have been doing the same. At her age you could be paying what is for most people a mortgage for many many years and that’s just wrong and unfair for your family as that £600 could be utilised in so many ways to secure a better future for your family, without your mil being any worse off at all and possibly better off.

She can't do that because 'deprivation of assets'. What she can do is start spending those assets instead of the DH funding her spending. Seems ludicrous the way it is currently set up.
As does other elements of the family dynamic.

Wow OP it’s so complicated. I feel bad for you. So apparently the older DB has no idea about the money? Is this true - how does your husband know since older DB is the favourite? It’s possible he knows and is being given a share of the 600 per month so your MIL isn’t an option since you wouldn’t be giving her that money and he’d then lose out.

You all need to be transparent with MIL. Your husband needs to put you and the children first. His mother and brothers will be fine.

We have a similar arrangement in our family whereby my db pays an amount of money in our mothers account monthly to help her out. This has been accounted for in the Will and he will recoup this when she dies which the rest of the family feel us only fair. Could you consider a similar agreement?

Is your dh not very clever
when she goes in to a rest home ,every penny of that £10000 will pay for her care …without the money she gets free care ..
so even if she gives him the whole lot back ,
if she needs care in the next 7 years ,
he will have to use the £10000.
anyone saying this is not the case are wrong ,as I’ve just been through this with my dm.
my dm used all of her £300,00 savings on her care over 4 years in a care home ,many people in the same home were getting it free ,now she is out of money she also gets it free

If the older brother is MIL favourite, what happens if MIL leaves all the money to him!

It’s not his money, it’s family money

yep that's the bottom line here but on mn this never seems to be agreed on.

We have a similar arrangement in our family whereby my db pays an amount of money in our mothers account monthly to help her out. This has been accounted for in the Will and he will recoup this when she dies which the rest of the family feel us only fair

yea but the problem with wills is we never know how they are going to work out as ultimately we never know the path life can take. She might die in financial ruin , you just don't know.

I think you should ask what the money is being used for.

Also note, your MIL is receiving the interest from the 100k.

Is she using this as a way of making she has something in her account in case of emergencies.

I would ask your husband to get a cleaner, because that is out of order him to paying for a cleaner a month while he pays your MIL this amount.

Im also from a culture which traditionally states that it’s the children’s job to “provide” for the parents once they’re at an older age.
This being said the situation with the older DB is very weird. If you’re giving the MIL money she doesn’t really have a right to demand you don’t tell the older brother, he should know that your husband is stepping and financially providing for your MIL.
And also i don’t think it would be too much to ask for her to watch the kids sometimes considering the amount of money you give her.

Struggling isn't being able to not afford a cleaner . Sweet Jesus

Your initial reaction is reasonable for the situation but, most importantly, presents the necessary opportunity to discuss everyone involved's financial future in detail. Here's the thing, $100k in the bank is certainly a significant amount in your MILs CURRENT situation, but what will it be in her FUTURE situations? If, and most likely, when your MIL should need more extensive long term care (think dementia, bone fractures, restricted movement, etc) $100k in the bank would be a barrier to her qualifying for Medicaid (different from Medicare) if you're in the US. The money would have to be spent down toward medical bills before she could qualify for Medicaid funds and unfortunately with the cost of nursing home care or even in-home assisted care averaging $5-$10k a month, her money would only last a couple of years at most.

Considering that it does not sound like either of the other brothers would be able to significantly contribute in paying for your MIL's care/medical expenses, you and your husband need to start planning now for how that will look for your family finances. Medicaid has very strict rules and guidelines that need to be followed when it comes to any assets your MIL has and how they are used. There is a five year look back period from the date she applies where they review any financial transactions that occurred during that period before she applied for assistance to determine her eligibility. So, in other words, you, your MIL, your husband and his other siblings need to have a discussion NOW about what is wanted to happen with her $100k in savings. Do they want it to get eaten up with just a year or two of nursing care expenses, essentially leaving her and them with nothing to show for the money? Would it be put to better use purchasing her a home now (use a Transfer on Death deed to leave it to her children to avoid Medicaid possibly taking the house after her death for reimbursement) that your family can help her stay in through her aging years? If she is capable, should she use it to travel and enjoy her twilight years?

The point is, your MILs medical needs could change in the future, and quickly, so you need to decide now as a group what the intent of her banked money is and then research, research, research Medicaid rules, or any local government medical care funding programs if you do not live in the US, and make arrangements now for her future and your own family so you are not side swiped later on with further unplanned for financial burdens.

was culture mentioned earlier?because if this is the case a lot of us won’t understand but can’t really comment as this does happen in other cultures

All this secrecy is weird, it’s preventing your MIL from making logical financial decisions.

If the older brother knew that your DH was giving their Mum 600/month, for example, would he have made the comment about “lifelong childcare?”

Also, what is lifelong childcare? Children don’t need babysitting indefinitely and you only have two of them!

If MIL was to take an income from the 100 000 instead of your husbands 600per month contribution it would dwindle and your husband would be paying more than 600 a month eventually and the 100,000 would be gone. Let him pay it makes sense to me. Hes a good son.

If she was so "amazing" she wouldnt be taking money out of your household knowing that you have 4 kids ..

If she was so "amazing" she wouldnt be taking money out of your household knowing that you have 4 kids

This. Reminds me of the thread on the tenant who were having her boyfriend move in but the landlord didn't want to confront it as the lodger was ''so lovely''. This is how cfers get away with it and exploit others, they act so nice and friendly. When in reality they aren't so but they know exactly what they are doing, it's manipulation at its finest.

You'll be paying for her care one way or another eventually. This seems to be less painful than having to pay for a home, which DB still won't contribute to but will still expect as much of the inheritance as he can get when the time comes. This way, most of her savings will be spent on a home and there'll be little left for anyone.

Or, you could suggest that if she did provide childcare (moving in with you despite DB's objections) then you could work ft and afford a cleaner, nanny and maybe school fees too.....while saving 600/m which you'll never see again whatever happens.

You could be investing that money for your four children's future. I think your m.i.l is thinking about her Care when she is very elderly since she won't have a Orivate Pension but your husband has to consider his wife/children. Perhaps an open conversation and a compromise, steadily reducing the amount from £600 to 450 and after a year. Then after the second year £300 to 150.

Your husband is prioritising your MIL's savings ahead of providing financial security for you and your children. Simple as this.

If his mother is as lovely as you say, she will understand him stopping the payments while you save for your own house.

Now that interest rates are going up, she can get a lot more in interest from her £100k savings.

What happens to you and your children if your husband dies tomorrow? Your MIL has enough savings to buy a retirement flat and live off state pension by the sound of it. What about you?

It's such bad financial planning (!!) That's what would get me. That money could be doing so much for everyone in the family if it were invested in a joint property, not stuck in cash rapidly losing value against inflation. That's the angle I'd go for, I think, try to persuade MIL & DP into a joint property purchase as a way to increase the inheritance for your MIL, DP, & the 2 brothers.

why is it dh duty when there are two other borthers

you cant afford it if you cant even afford your own house-and it will go against you when it comes to buying one as an extra expense they look at all accounts

why cant the younger brother pay the rent you shouldbt be paying for it-and yes what about any tax that he might have to pay for aswell

sorry i missed an update

the older brother sounds like he wants his inhertiance kept in tact -if she helps you buy a house hes lost it really-nothing t do wth childcare why would he be bothered about that

Your dh souns like hes been guilt tripped into this by her-keeping it secret and not telling the brother-its not your dh's problem