Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

When was this? what were DBs reasons to be against the idea?

Ah, well it’s good you found out by DH telling you. If he had been deliberately “lying” all along, he would have continued to not tell you. You never would have found out. So there’s that ? I had put to rest.

Yes, @Discovereads , the older brother's intervention sounds suspect to me as well. What could be his reasons for objecting?

we were considering buying a house with a separate small area for her to help her save rent. (Basically the idea was to own the house and she would live with us )

OP I’d avoid this idea anyway because you might end up being MILs full time carer in ten years.

So older DBs reasons for being against MIL moving in with you & DH are of interest. If older DB objected & MIL agreed because she wants to live independently, then I think that’s a good thing. It means that to keep her living independently older DB could well agree to pay some of the £600/mo or whatever contribute to whatever plan is formulated for her retirement life. Your DH shouldn’t be paying 100% of the support, she has 3 sons. Each should contribute according to their means.

Because he'd assume he'd lose is inheritance is my guess

Perhaps your MIL could be the cleaner. You’d get a clean house for £600 a month where I Live.

If he’s a high earner supporting his family well, which it sounds like he is, I think he’s earned the right to send money to his own mother if he wants to

yea if he was David Beckham I'd agree but the op's family aren't near to that income if they can't afford a cleaner. I also disagree really in your philosophy because when you marry and have kids the spouse and kids become priority. 600 quid a month is alot of money to many people.

Is she really suffering because she can’t afford a cleaner? His mother cared for him for years and properly spent everything she had on her children. He clearly appreciates his family and is looking after his mum the way it should be I don’t see what the problem is if as she said it’s not making a big dent in her everyday life

You say she is living a life that reflects she is struggling - why isn’t she spending any of the savings she has to improve her situation? Why is she hanging onto the money? Sounds weird.

@Heyello are you for real? The op cannot afford to own a house and the husband is giving away a substantial sum every month to a mil who has 100 k in savings. If I had to sponge off one of my children who can’t afford to buy their own house, I’d think I’d have failed as a parent.

This beggars belief...

I totally get that your husband wants to support his mum but does he realise that he's paying for his brother's inheritance!!

Say she starts to use £600 from her savings every month instead of your husband transferring her the money, it would be over 13 ½ years before her money ran out (based on £100k).

She will also be earning interest on the money every year so she could well have much more than your husband thinks.

I think your husband needs to reconsider his priorities and put his children first - an extra £600 per month could make your family lives so much easier.

I agree with others that it would be wise for him to arrange to meet with his mother and a financial advisor.

Do you know she expecting it? Or does her son just have family values and want to look after his mother! If he wasn’t with his wife he would still be paying it it’s not as if it’s a new thing she knew he was paying

Most of that money is probably going on rent!

Maybe work out where the money is being spent by MIL (it may not go far for all you know) & check whether it would be best to start using her savings now.

Your husband could still continue to set £600 aside for her in a separate account that she can access so that becomes her cushion in case she needs it instead but at the same time you don’t lose it either.

Or maybe move MIL in with you instead if you have the space?

sounds like a lovely thing your husband is doing anyway. And do you work yourself? Wondering if you need a cleaner as opposed to would just like one.

The story with older DB is a bit complicated.
Long story short old DB is MIL favorite. He does not know about the 600/month. This was MIL explicit request because she does not want him to feel "less" because he is not contributing.
Official reason from DB why MIL should not move in with us is that we were tricking her into providing us lifelong free childcare. And MIL did not want to cross him.

This is an extremely odd set up OP. I'd be beyond furious, I am sorry but it's weird

depending on where the £100k came from she might not feel like it is hers to spend. My granny had a (smaller) same problem. She died and past it to my Dad who also felt he couldn’t spend it. My mum has now inherited it and is spending it.

How is HIS pocket not the family pot?
Im confused. We put everything we earn together and plan that way.

Lots of couples put what they need for the family into one pot and then they can spend the balance how they like. If the poster earned a lot (I earned 10x my husband by the way) she could take £600 from her own wgaes and spend them how she likes) instead of gambling away his $600 or spending it on cars the husband here is giving it to his mother. His money, his choice.

If they’re married it’s not his money is it…,

Well it's very easy. He gave her money to help make ends meet. Someone with £100K in savings is obviously more than making ends meet. Stop the payments, and if she ever runs out of savings, you can always restart them.

If mil were to ever need care she would need to pay all of this herself from her savings as she has over £23,000 or whatever the current limit is. Once someone's savings drop below that limit, they get support from social care and below a further limit (I forget the amount) social services fund it.
If mil is saving the money for any future care needs and is aware of these limits then all well and good, but if she's hording the money to give an inheritance then she may be in for a shock.
To me it would be better for her to use her own savings now and then apply for benefits if she goes below the limit and let your son put his £600 towards your house fund or split between your kids for a uni/house deposit saving fund each.

he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings)

its deceitful, which is just as bad as lies

Can you afford to buy a flat and pay a mortgage instead so she can leave rent free or contribute with the amount she currently pays? The flat will be eventually yours and you will feel that you also get sth out of it in this way.

This is what im
saying. Especially if she’s doing less hours to look after the family / children. It’s their money together and they both have to agree how it’s spent. It doesn’t mean they shouldn’t help the MIL but they have to make sure they have enough And are comfortable before spending on other family members - particularly if they have money in savings.

Reality check here. Your husband is paying her 600 a month so she can sit on 100k. If he stopped then she would just use that 100k. She doesn't need to go without. I would say that once that money is used we can consider helping her. I would want to know where this 100k is going once she passes away because ultimately your giving them that inheritance.