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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

303 replies

allura · 05/10/2022 12:21

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

OP posts:
LateAF · 05/10/2022 12:28

Is he part of the friendship group? If so, his explanation that it would be awkward if he just turned up is not even a real reason or excuse - as how could it be awkward if you're all already friends and know each other?

It sounds like the relationship meant less to him than it did to you. While the way you went about ending things was a little immature (blocking rather than explaining you don't want to continue the relationship), YANBU to end things. However, YABU for ghosting especially if you're all part of the same group as that will make things tricky for all your friends.

HangOnToYourself · 05/10/2022 12:30

The whole thing sounds a bit immature tbh, you referred to it as a "situationship" after a year so it doesnt sound very serious and you are moving further away so I doubt there is much point continuing things

SunshineClouds1 · 05/10/2022 12:31

I think blocking him is abit OTT.

I also don't understand why his friend couldn't come along?
More then merrier, it's not like it was a date for just the two of you.

Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 12:31

LateAF · 05/10/2022 12:28

Is he part of the friendship group? If so, his explanation that it would be awkward if he just turned up is not even a real reason or excuse - as how could it be awkward if you're all already friends and know each other?

It sounds like the relationship meant less to him than it did to you. While the way you went about ending things was a little immature (blocking rather than explaining you don't want to continue the relationship), YANBU to end things. However, YABU for ghosting especially if you're all part of the same group as that will make things tricky for all your friends.

He is part of the same friendship group. I think he meant it would be awkward because I was clearly annoyed with him.

We don’t usually all hang out together anymore, so it won’t be awkward for anyone else.

I just find it so hurtful. The week before we’d been on an all inclusive holiday for my birthday paid for by him!

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 05/10/2022 12:33

This all a bit weird. You have been in a relationship with someone for a year and can’t be direct with them?
Blocking someone in response to anything is a very immature reaction to anything.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 05/10/2022 12:34

The guy you've been seeing for a year?
If you're not able to call him your boyfriend after a year then I'd say call it a day.
Why couldn't he just bring a mate?
What if one of your friends brought a mate would you have been bothered?

NotLactoseFree · 05/10/2022 12:35

You're both being a bit immature here. The plans clearly weren't firmed up as otherwise you wouldn't have been rigning him at 3 to firm them up. It was a fairly casual gathering so not sure why you couldn't have let his friend come.

Him then deciding not to come because it would be "awkward" was ridiculous and childish and a bit spiteful.

SuperCamp · 05/10/2022 12:37

Why did you say his friend couldn’t come? It was clearly for the benefit of the friend, introduce him to yours / his circle of friends etc, and not because he was nervous and ‘needed’ him there. Which is frankly a bizarre thing for you to have thought.

He paid for you to go on hol to celebrate your birthday, but you say no he can’t bring his mate to a get together.

He sounds generous and sociable. You don’t.

VainAbigail · 05/10/2022 12:37

How childish.

Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 12:38

Itloggedmeoutagain · 05/10/2022 12:34

The guy you've been seeing for a year?
If you're not able to call him your boyfriend after a year then I'd say call it a day.
Why couldn't he just bring a mate?
What if one of your friends brought a mate would you have been bothered?

It’s not just the mate thing though. It’s a complete change of plans - he knew about this months in advance and still decided to drive to his mates house (hours away!) to help him decorate rather than say oh I’ll have to come another day it’s alluras thing tonight.

I just didn’t feel like a priority.

Well we do call each other boyfriend/girlfriend but it was messy few months at first so I still think it’s not quite a relationship

OP posts:
Doggydarling · 05/10/2022 12:38

Can't understand why you didn't tell him to bring his mate with him? Maybe he was going through something and needed company and your guy realised that. Blocking is very teenager behaviour after a year of dating. But I'm on his side simply because you didn't want his friend there.

CheezePleeze · 05/10/2022 12:39

What on earth is a 'situationship' when it's at home?

If it means you two aren't in an actual relationship and you're just casually seeing each other on and off, then maybe he's right that it would've been awkward if you were annoyed with him.

Regarding bringing his friend, why do you think it was because he 'needed' him there like he was 'nervous', rather than his friend was at a loose end so he wanted to invite him?

Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 12:40

SuperCamp · 05/10/2022 12:37

Why did you say his friend couldn’t come? It was clearly for the benefit of the friend, introduce him to yours / his circle of friends etc, and not because he was nervous and ‘needed’ him there. Which is frankly a bizarre thing for you to have thought.

He paid for you to go on hol to celebrate your birthday, but you say no he can’t bring his mate to a get together.

He sounds generous and sociable. You don’t.

Why is it clearly for the benefit of the friend?

This is the first time some friends in our group would have seen us together as a couple. To me, it seems like he tried to sabotage by bringing a friend and seeming more relaxed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 05/10/2022 12:45

To me, it seems like he tried to sabotage by bringing a friend and seeming more relaxed about the whole thing

I don’t really follow where you were going with this? There’s nothing wrong with being relaxed around friends even if there has been a change in dynamics.

I think you’ve over reacted and possibly subconsciously sabotaged the relationship yourself. You’re moving and starting a new job, I suspect you don’t really see this relationship having the stamina to compete.

Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 12:48

NotLactoseFree · 05/10/2022 12:35

You're both being a bit immature here. The plans clearly weren't firmed up as otherwise you wouldn't have been rigning him at 3 to firm them up. It was a fairly casual gathering so not sure why you couldn't have let his friend come.

Him then deciding not to come because it would be "awkward" was ridiculous and childish and a bit spiteful.

The plans were firmed. That’s why when it was approaching the time he said he’d arrive and he’d not spoken to me since the day before, I rang him.

Plans change, and that’s fine. But, why not tell me in the morning when he drove all the way to his mates house? Just a heads up would have been better than a dragged out conversation where he decided not to come, and I had to sit there telling all my friends he decided not to come because it might be awkward

OP posts:
Original poster
allura · 05/10/2022 12:52

Cornettoninja · 05/10/2022 12:45

To me, it seems like he tried to sabotage by bringing a friend and seeming more relaxed about the whole thing

I don’t really follow where you were going with this? There’s nothing wrong with being relaxed around friends even if there has been a change in dynamics.

I think you’ve over reacted and possibly subconsciously sabotaged the relationship yourself. You’re moving and starting a new job, I suspect you don’t really see this relationship having the stamina to compete.

i mean he strives to have this persona of “I don’t give a shit about anything” - even when he does.

so all my friends were on the group chat saying it will be so nice to finally see you guys together, about time etc etc… and then he’s arriving 3 hours after me, with a friend in tow and then leaving before me to take his friend home.

i wouldn’t have minded his friend coming if he wasn’t so late and if it didn’t change the plan for him to stay at mine. He said no when I said well if you’re taking your friend back I can stay at yours

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 05/10/2022 12:53

You very obviously are uninterested in opinions, notwithstanding that you posted on here for... opinions.

I am having dinner with a friend tonight. Plans are agreed. Date and time. Restaurant booked. why on earth would I text her today seeing as we spoke abut it just a few days ago when we finalised the time?

I also really don't see why he's trying to "sabotage" anything by bringing a friend.

His reaction was OTT but you really are coming across as more and more controlling and weird by the second.

CheezePleeze · 05/10/2022 12:53

Why is it clearly for the benefit of the friend?

Errrrm because his girlfriend cancelled on him so he was at a loose end.

Christ, it's like pulling teeth.

ComeOnThenFanny · 05/10/2022 12:57

So the real reason you were pissed off, is that you saw this as an opportunity to go official in front of the group - and him bringing someone else with him kind of diluted it?

Kitkatcatflap · 05/10/2022 12:58

Blocking is a bit extreme as an adult unless it's abusive/harassment but you have every right to be annoyed that he didn't show. It's wasn't a spur of the moment get together, it had been planned for months and he knew the people there even if he doesn't hang out with them as often.

If he felt awkward about attending he should have voiced those concerns earlier- likewise about inviting a friend.

To be honest, it sound as though he has been phasing you out. Or behaving badly so you'll end it and he won't have to.

Good luck in your new job OP

Interestingmauve · 05/10/2022 12:58

Why does it matter if he did want to help a friend out, if it was for the benefit of the friend?

Sounds like he was nervous about making the first appearance as a couple to me, but your reaction seems like you're not that bothered to see it end anyway.

Aprilx · 05/10/2022 13:01

You are not coming across well here. He had spent the day with a friend who was then at a loose end so he wanted to invite him. I cannot fathom why you would say no to that, it was a casual gathering, surely you have been in the scenario where one of a group has brought a new person along before. To be honest, I don’t blame him for not turning up after you forbade the friend from joining.

And then to add to that pettiness you blocked him? Good lord I have read it all. If he has any sense at all he would forget about this “situationship” whatever that is.

DesMoulinsRouge · 05/10/2022 13:03

What is appearing as a couple in front of the group? It sounds like the Real Housewives

ancientgran · 05/10/2022 13:04

CheezePleeze · 05/10/2022 12:53

Why is it clearly for the benefit of the friend?

Errrrm because his girlfriend cancelled on him so he was at a loose end.

Christ, it's like pulling teeth.

Can't understand why she can't see that. It's blindingly obvious isn't it.

Iliveonahill · 05/10/2022 13:04

Childish to block. As adults we talk. We enquire, we discuss and then we make decisions. You could have then just said this isn’t working, thank you for a great year and best of luck. Instead you blocked. I would be absolutely fuming if I had been blocked in that situation.

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