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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

303 replies

allura · 05/10/2022 12:21

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

OP posts:

Stravaig · 05/10/2022 14:04

but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there?

Think about this line from your OP. You're projecting. Why did you need him there, when you had all your friends throwing you a celebration? That's what this is about. Your situationship changing, what each of you want, and whether it matches.

Catdog9 · 05/10/2022 14:06

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 13:56

OP yanbu. I know exactly what it's like to be in a position like this and can relate exactly to the situationship you've described.

You don't feel secure in this. Your friends were making a fuss of you two being coupled up and he messed you around then publicly embarrassed you. And he said no when you suggested staying in his.

To the multiple PP who said "oh it's all about you" well yes actually it is all about you when it's your bloody party!

I think he has gotten cold feet, maybe the holiday together followed by the prospect of a LDR has forced a decision that he just does not want to commit at the next level.

I know it hurts but you did the right thing. Don't be persuaded now by this thread that you caused this. You did not. You responded to it. You know him, your RL friends know him and they agree he's treated you badly.

I remember sitting in a bar with a couple of friends waiting for my then boyfriend to message me to let me know the dinner plans for our last night in the country before I went on contract overseas. He had to finish some work. I was all dressed up, looked sensational in fact The evening dragged on and then a mutual friend mentioned they'd spotted him playing pool with some lads in the bar next door. I got the same response as you have here when he finally phoned and I ignored it. I'd had enough.

His later argument was that we didn't have a definite time arranged. But they are just semantics - he wasn't pushed and it was clear.

You did the right thing. You're off on your next adventure so (like I was) enjoy what that brings and shake the baggage free.

I agree with this and feel a lot of people are trying to talk you out of it.

You know when a situation feels disrespectful and when someone is being flaky. It makes me questions people's standards of how they let people treat them and if they try to be the 'cool girl'.

None of my friends in happy healthy relationships/marriages have a partner who pulled shit like this in the beginning. It is supposed to be a time of best behaviour and if not, it will only get worse down the line.

It depends on context. A good friend could cancel and you know they weren't taking the piss and doubt you'd throw a diva strop.

But he is 100% taking the piss.

Musti · 05/10/2022 14:07

allura · 05/10/2022 13:54

I didn’t outright say no to his friend coming I sent a message like “turning up without an invite 🙃 will he be staying over at mine too?”

he said “no, I will take him home and stay at his”

I said “so you’re not staying at mine? Shall I stay at yours”

he said “no to both. might need to leave earlyish too to get back”

Ah, he didn’t want the big declaration of you two as a couple. It was deliberate.

Suprima · 05/10/2022 14:08

Why are you expecting so much from this ‘situationship’?

you didn’t feel like you’re a priority, because you’re not a priority

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 14:10

Suprima · 05/10/2022 14:08

Why are you expecting so much from this ‘situationship’?

you didn’t feel like you’re a priority, because you’re not a priority

Yes she knows that now as he made it clear - why are you trying to get the boot in? Really nasty and uncalled for.

Suprima · 05/10/2022 14:10

Musti · 05/10/2022 14:07

Ah, he didn’t want the big declaration of you two as a couple. It was deliberate.

Show quote history

agreed

MrsHadley · 05/10/2022 14:13

DesMoulinsRouge · 05/10/2022 13:03

What is appearing as a couple in front of the group? It sounds like the Real Housewives

Exactly what I thought.

If you're in the same friendship group what's this huge grand reveal about. No one is that bothered about seeing you two arriving at a party together. Especially if you're in the same friendship group...

You should've just let him bring his mate along. If you wanted to be vetted if attention your 'boyfriend' bringing a mate along at a loose end wouldn't change that.

Apologise for being irrational and unblock the fella. Or maybe just call it a day as you don't seem too bothered?

Suprima · 05/10/2022 14:14

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 14:10

Yes she knows that now as he made it clear - why are you trying to get the boot in? Really nasty and uncalled for.

Show quote history

I wish women would be a bit more ‘nasty and uncalled’ for to each other rather than watching our friends and people and relationship forums limp through these awful ‘seeing someone’ situations with men who are sexual and emotional vampires

OP deserves someone who views her as a priority and has expended too much energy on someone who doesn’t deserve it. All the best in cutting him loose OP

Fearnecuptea · 05/10/2022 14:17

Yeah I find his behaviour weird and rude, he should of communicated with you from the get go.

I'm sorry to say but it seems like he's not too fussed about the relationship, however casual it may be.

I think blocking is a tad OTT though, makes you look super upset by the whole thing (which you are, but you don't want him to know that!). I'd say unblock but just cool off communication from now on.

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 14:19

Why are people saying OP should have let the friend come along? OP and boyfriend had plans before and after the party but boyfriend didn't even bother to let her know they were off in a polite and timely manner.

Then he never showed for the party most definitely knowing this would embarrass her after all the fuss from their friends and ruin their night.

And it's not particularly teenagery to be excited about arriving as a couple. There was always lots of interest when two people in our friendship group coupled up officially.

He humiliated her. When I read some of the responses here I despair. Have some self respect and don't tolerate this sort of crap.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/10/2022 14:19

It all sounds hard work and immature. It’s probably reached natural end with you moving away. If it’s that hard as 2 single people then it’s never going to develop into a relationship than can weather storms, kids etc.
Yes he should have rung you not just stood you up but I don’t see what blocking him achieves. Maybe speak so it’s not awkward as a friend group to clear air and move on.

madasawethen · 05/10/2022 14:22

I think you did the right thing to block him.

It wasn't like this was last minute thing. He knew far in advance.
You'd just spent the night with him the night before.
As for a 3 hour drive to help a male friend decorate, wtf. What guy would do that?
Are you sure Joseph really wasn't a Jane?
Someone you never heard of. Wasn't reachable. Told you you couldn't stay at his. Decided to take "Joseph" home and stay at his.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/10/2022 14:28

Fraaahnces · 05/10/2022 13:25

Undoubtedly chose to play Xbox with Joseph. Knob

Well, not 'undoubtedly'.

But certainly, 'understandably'.

Original poster

allura · 05/10/2022 14:29

madasawethen · 05/10/2022 14:22

I think you did the right thing to block him.

I have no idea who the friend was. I found it suspicious that he wouldn’t talk on the phone, but the fact he was going to turn up Joseph anyway made me think I was overthinking that bit.

it’s the fact he knew the plans well in advance and decided to ignore them.

OP posts:

Original poster

allura · 05/10/2022 14:34

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 14:19

Then he never showed for the party most definitely knowing this would embarrass her after all the fuss from their friends and ruin their night.

And it's not particularly teenagery to be excited about arriving as a couple. There was always lots of interest when two people in our friendship group coupled up officially.

He humiliated her. When I read some of the responses here I despair. Have some self respect and don't tolerate this sort of crap.

Thank you, that’s what I felt - humiliated.

I understand I was probably immature to block, but I felt like he had no respect for me whatsoever and kept delaying and changing plans because clearly he didn’t want to Come.

OP posts:

Banana2079 · 05/10/2022 14:34

You are Unreasonable you obviously care about him which is why you are hurt that he did not come -blocking him was just a reaction and it was a childish one just talk to him next time and tell him to be a bit more honest about his plans and to pick up the phone and speak to you next time this all seems a bit petty and childish I’m not really I kind of situation but you should be concerning Your life over

FlissyPaps · 05/10/2022 14:35

Do you want to be in a serious committed relationship with this man?

No? Then keep him blocked. It’s obvious he doesn’t respect you and doesn’t value your time. If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t like you, you’ll feel confused. Relationships shouldn’t be this complicated.

Yes? Unblock him and communicate with him. Be 100% honest about what you want and how you feel.

Glitterspy · 05/10/2022 14:35

ComeOnThenFanny · 05/10/2022 12:57

So the real reason you were pissed off, is that you saw this as an opportunity to go official in front of the group - and him bringing someone else with him kind of diluted it?

I think it’s about this as well. You’re just far more into him than he is into you, by the sounds of it.

willithappen · 05/10/2022 14:36

How old are you OP? This all sounds very high school behaviour

PollyAmour · 05/10/2022 14:37

Why couldn't his friend come along as well? I'd be pissed off if a friend of mine wasn't welcome at an informal gathering. It's not like he was gatecrashing a wedding ffs.

Catdog9 · 05/10/2022 14:38

Ithinkiwanttobealone · 05/10/2022 14:19

Then he never showed for the party most definitely knowing this would embarrass her after all the fuss from their friends and ruin their night.

And it's not particularly teenagery to be excited about arriving as a couple. There was always lots of interest when two people in our friendship group coupled up officially.

He humiliated her. When I read some of the responses here I despair. Have some self respect and don't tolerate this sort of crap.

"When I read some of the responses here I despair." Totally agree!

Some very MN responses that are essentially "oh I would be so unbothered because I'm sooooo chill".

Also find his need to bring a friend along really babyish. Like something a teenage boy would need to do. If it's a house party totally normal but it's a small circle of friends who all know each other.

shedwithivy · 05/10/2022 14:39

Interestingmauve · 05/10/2022 13:05

OK, so you've spent the day with a friend, who has just received news that his plans for the evening have fallen through (and is possibly upset at GF letting him down). You're going to a party, come along you say and then the host tells you no, your friend is not welcome. Would you still go to the party?

Agree with this

Thatboymum · 05/10/2022 14:41

Red flags about you rather than him imo

Original poster

allura · 05/10/2022 14:41

shedwithivy · 05/10/2022 14:39

Agree with this

Show quote history

I wouldn’t invite someone to someone else’s party/gathering without first checking with them.

OP posts:

rivermanblows · 05/10/2022 14:41

you both sound very childish. you more than him

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