For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

[allura]

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

He messed you around. I think it was obvious that something was going on with him and he was prioritising other things in order to create space between you.

Sounds like too much hassle. Good luck with your move.

I convinced a lot of people come on here just to be contrary. If you had have given him another chance and made 'AIBU to give him another chance?' post, they would be calling you a doormat, telling you the friend had no right to be there and get rid as he doesn't respect you.

First of all the fact you can't define it as a relationship after a year is a red flag. Whether you were hoping this would be a clear move in that direction or not is irrelevant.

You had clear plans in advance that he committed to and he knowingly let you down. He didn't prioritise you on a day that should have been about you. And the friend had no need to be there, it was your birthday you are allowed to celebrate it as you chose with who you chose.

Let's who hasn't been a bit drunk and blocked someone who wronged us. As that is ultimately what you did, he disregarded you, didn't prioritise you, embarrassed you and stood up for yourself and your expectations.

It's up to you whether you want to unblock and speak to him about your expectations going forward. It's not finite, you can change your mind.

You’re both incredibly immature HTH

Imagine it was the other way around... You help a friend before a party which over runs as they live so far away.
You drop said friend to their bfs only for them to be stood up, they are at a loose end, so you invite them to the party you are going to rather than have to drive them all the way home & as it was a party with mutual friends you dont think it will be a problem.
Your bf is being arsey with you & saying your friend cant come. They have, because you now can't stay at theirs, asked if when you drop your friend off later can they can stay at yours & when you have said no, they take the hump even more & say your friend definitely isn't coming then.
(Does this mean then that if you let them stay the night, it would then be ok for your friend to come?)
So instead of driving your friend all the way home, being late to the party & then your bf being arsey with you & causing tension throughout the group, you decide not to go.
Think you will explain & make it up to them the next day. Only to find out instead of talking to you first, they have gone & blocked you.
Now you don't know what to do. Would you be hurt & upset, especially after paying for the 2 of you to go on holiday for his bday. Would you think he was a cf & be a little peed off with him.
You are definitely being unreasonable.
Not sure even if you even wanted to, how you would come back from this.

Maybe he WAS nervous as maybe the dynamic is different in the group or maybe he doesn't feel comfortable around one of the other uni friends. Maybe he forgot and was trying to cover it up. Maybe there is more to helping the friend such as friend is having a hard time and they were talking about while decorating and he didn't want to leave him on his own. Maybe he's a selfish prat. Dunno. I'd let it go as a one-off. Be alert to red flags mounting up though.

OP, I'm sorry that you've had such a kicking on here. This clearly isn't the man for you, and you aren't obliged to discuss a problem which you don't intend to fix, regardless of how "adult" and "mature" people demand that you behave.

(BTW, with the cheating, did you mean that he was involved with someone else and cheated with you at the beginning, or that he cheated shortly after you got together?).

Good luck with the move and your new life.

First paragraph -💯!

So you think it's normal AND reasonable that:

On the morning of a big celebration for you, your DP chooses to drive say London - Birmingham (OP said friend lives hours away)

Then drives back from Birmingham to London with his friend so friend can attend a party last minute he wasn't invited to

Then drives back Birmingham to London with his friend (because bringing his friend means dropping him back). All on the same day.

Which means you show he shows up late to your party, with someone else and then need to leave early (because he brought someone else). And doesnt bother telling you any of this till a few hours before, and only when you asks. Not even on a call but a text.

All because friend's gf cancelled evening plans and he was at a loose end.

You also normally invite another person to an intimate dinner party (7 people) and tell the hosts an hour before it's due to start? You don't think restaurants need notice for a last minute addition to a set table? Or if it's a house dinner party, the hosts needs to know to set another meal? Bf didn't even tell the people organising the party and left no time for anyone including the restaurant to adjust.

Ok.

He isn't stalking you or causing you offense or harm so yes blocking him is unreasonable. You're not giving him chance to explain.

Either he didn't want to go or the friend got prioritised for some reason. You're acting very selfish to block without discussing with him.

Maybe it's something serious that isn't appropriate to put in a message and needs to be face to face.

Maybe he's having MH/ addiction/ family/illness issues, received bad news etc. Struggling to cope with something and couldn't handle the idea of sitting through a happy meal. Maybe the friend is someone offering that support.

Maybe he wants to end it but doesn't want to do that and spoil your celebration so tried to back out quietly... But you reacted worse than he imagined.

Maybe his friend is having a really tough time. Maybe it's an old childhood friend that has reached out needing support at a bad time. Maybe it was a pretty serious discussion and texting the girl he was dating wasn't appropriate given the situation.

Maybe the 'friend' isn't a friend and he's started a new relationship.

Could be a perfectly understandable but unpredictable explanation for his weird behaviour. Maybe it's not about you. There's something going on in HIS life. Unfortunately if you've blocked him you may never know!

In fairness OP, even if it wasn’t a majority (which it is), even if “only” half of the votes thought you were being unreasonable, it’s still a hell of a lot.

I think even a third of people thinking you are unreasonable is a lot too. It suggests that there’s enough ambiguity about your behaviour for a significant number of people to think you’re in the wrong. Usually on here, for a fairly standard AIBU, where there’s a little bit of possible interpretation you’ll see around 80% of posters supporting the OP. And obviously there’s the more clear cut ones where you get 95%+ of people supporting OP.

You only have 45% in your corner. So yes, there’s a “lot” who think you’re wrong.

FWIW, I don’t think your ex(?) covered himself in glory and I can see why you felt humiliated. But at the same time your behaviour was very OTT and demanding, and the tone of your posts here sound similar. Just blocking someone you’ve been with for a year isn’t a healthy way to deal with an argument but you’re convinced you’re in the right so 🤷‍♀️

Could be a perfectly understandable but unpredictable explanation for his weird behaviour. Maybe it's not about you. There's something going on in HIS life. Unfortunately if you've blocked him you may never know!

Well, he had plenty of opportunity to tell her, but he chose to go with "I thought it would be awkward" and then silence. Was she supposed to beg for more information?

I think it's great when women know how they don't want to be treated and will walk away from it without drama. No dragging it out. No having to ask to be treated better. No waiting for the man to prove their loyalty.

He fucked you about all day, sod that shit! I'm not sure I'd have blocked him but that would have been it for the relationship.

Some people really do put up with shit behaviour though it seems

I just find it so hurtful. The week before we’d been on an all inclusive holiday for my birthday paid for by him

Considering he did this it seems very OTT that you blocked him for something so minor. Very entitled.

But he wasnt your boyfriend?
He was a guy you were seeing casually in a situationship (whatever that is)

I started reading this without too much sympathy but I’ve come round to your way of thinking op. The only thing I can’t understand is how you can not want to know what happened! I don’t think I’d have closure leaving it like this but full respect to you if you can!

Why are people being horrid to the OP?

Sure blocking may not have been the best course of action...but it’s not the end of the world.

However, it doesn’t change the fact that he was clearly being squirrely and trying to get out of the situation. It doesn’t matter if we find the party important or not, it was important to OP and he would have known this. She is moving away, that is a big deal to some and it’s nice to have a send off with your close friends.

I would be equally annoyed, if someone did this - it’s not that he invited someone it’s that he ruined their pre-existing plans with his BS. Yes, it’s weird and random to have someone you’ve never met at an intimate going away party.

OP don’t mind all the miserable people on this thread who apparently are super causal about everything in their lives and never get upset 🙄 Just because you are young doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.

Correction celebratory meal for promotion - before someone jumps down my throat.

PS not that young, and trust your instincts. You’ve dodged a bullet, he should have apologised at the very least. I would unblock him to let him know he’s been awful & that you’re no longer interested in him & wokld
have expected better - but instead he’s been spineless. Good riddance I say and good luck with the promotion.

It clearly states boyfriend and girlfriend and there’s also no mention it was casual - posted pictures on social media, holidays, meeting and communicating frequently, arranged to continue when moving away. Where’ve you got the idea it was casual?

It’s because she’s called it a situationship a few times.

Situationship: a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established.

Also says relationship/boyfriend multiple times and that’s what they call each other.

Regardless, doesn’t sound casual.

Not arguing with you. You asked where pp had got the idea of was casual, as there was no mention of it being casual. I answered your question.

And I responded to your question. No arguing from me ✌️

Well it was all about her...it was her leaving party.

I didn’t ask a question. But, okay.

Statement then, but okay.