For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

[allura]

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

Sorry, are you all in highschool? Haven't experienced any nonsense like this since 17.

And yes OP, it sounds like you were a lot more into him than he was into you, and he has made that clear in quite a humiliating way. The mixed messages and not knowing where you stand can be crazy-making, and doesn’t necessarily reflect how you would react in a “normal” relationship.

You are well rid of him, hope you find somebody to make you happy.

This.
I don't like blocking people but do understand that after two days when he hadn't contacted you despite deliberately humiliating you in front of your friends, you didn't feel like having a nice chat with him about it. He just wanted you to end things rather than him having to do it which is cowardly, as was the messing you about on the day by trying to find obstacles to put in the way of him attending the party. He could have talked to you and explained that he wasn't comfortable attending, but chose his flaky and manipulative behaviour instead. He is hard work and not worth it, or the headspace. Good luck with your move.

I actually think he's shown you where you are on his list of priorities, and I'd not bother with him either.

You've done nothing wrong and some of these responses show why men are able to get away with treating women so appallingly.

cantgetdecentnickname this is exactly what I thought.

If he'd wanted to be there, he would have been there. He's clearly not as into you as you're into him and I can understand feeling hurt by his immature, flakey behaviour.

But going for the block button is all just so......teenage drama queen. You've been seeing him for a year, you're still in a "situationship", he clearly didn't want to come to the party/stay over with you etc..... he's telling you very clearly you're not a priority to him. But instead of using your voice, standing up for yourself and saying your feelings are hurt you've blocked him and given him the easy way out. Because now he can say you're too much hard work.

I agree. I thinks he’s been cheating on you and didn’t want to turn up at the party as a couple. Then when he ends it, your whole group might think badly of him if they find out about the overlap.

Or he is cheating on you with someone who would be at the party.

Or someone there knows he is cheating.

I have no proof whatsoever, before anyone asks. Only the clear evidence that he didn’t want to go to the party and lied to you about his reasons.

Good luck with your new job OP.

Fine not to bother with him. (for any reason)

But you behave like an adult and actually speak to him and say you want to break up; not just block him.

If a woman posted saying they'd had a falling out with her boyfriend and he'd now blocked her and was refusing to speak to her, people would say he was treating her appallingly as well.

Are you both 16?

You're intensely focused on the coupled up aspect; he clearly doesn't feel the same. Either write him off as an arse who has not been clear with you. Or, have a soul-search about whether you've been the one propelling the relationship, and he's not so bothered. Which was bound to end in disappointment.

Either way, why not just say: 'This isn't working for me. Thank you for the good times. Goodbye' or somesuch? It seems to be a thing on Mumsnet, that it can't just be a mismatch, or a natural end, no, he has to be denounced as an abusive monster and all around ne'er-do-well.

I didn’t force him to come to the gathering at all! I asked if he wanted to, and he booked time off. I also didn’t make the initial plan to arrive together!

As for forcing the relationship that could be true, but he’s happy to plaster holiday pics all over social media with me, so not exactly trying to hide it.

The poor bugger has just shelled out for the two of you to have an all-inclusive holiday for your birthday, and you block him because he didn't come to a party?

He must be feeling pretty used. Why couldn't you be an adult and actually talk to him? Totally childish all round.

Good heavens, you sound very immature, I can't believe you are in your 30s. Why shouldn't he go and help a friend on the "day of your party?" He was supposed to be at yours at 5 so what was he meant to do all day otherwise - sit at home thinking about meeting up with you?! Also, why did you need to meet for drinks two hours in advance of the actual gathering? And why couldn't he bring a friend - it wasn't a gilt edged invite to a state occasion?

So he's somewhere between ambivalent and an arse. Just tell him it's not working for you, thank you, goodbye. Omit the thanks if you're really hurt/pissed off. You are now free to enjoy all the opportunities of your fresh start.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

You wasn’t his priority (his friend was) so .. live and learn on this one.

Its a shame as you’ve clearly invested time and energy into him but he was being a tosser prioritising other people the whole day/evening when you’d spent weeks arranging it with him.

I cannot stand when a night like yours was meant to be celebrating something special
to you, for it to then be shit all over by a so called love interest putting himself first and worried about his own ego and others when it was one night he should have put it all to one side. If this is what he’s like now you’ll never be a priority to him.

Know your worth.. move on.

Jamie has dodged a bullet!

Yabu and I think he's better off out of it tbh.
Take some time to think through this event and how you reacted.

@allura it's your farewell gathering so it's perfectly reasonable for you to decline the attendance of someone you've never met and you don't need to give a particular reason! It's absurd that anyone thinks you're obliged to have a random around!

Generally speaking I wouldn't try and bring someone along to someone else's intimate farewell gathering. Totally different if it's a large gathering. The fact he asked is one thing but what's alarming is he then felt so strongly about his friend not been able to come that he didn't turn up to his girlfriend's party?? That's alarm bells and I don't know why anyone is trying to justify that?

Makes me think he knew you would say no and asked as a way to get out of coming. Perhaps he engineered the entire situation of being far away, so that he wouldn't have to stick to the original plans. There appears to be some kind of reluctance or even discomfort about appearing as a couple among your friends.

That said, he did pay for the all-inclusive holiday so he does have some redeeming qualities😂. I voted YANBU, although I probably wouldn't have blocked him I can understand why you were disappointed about his no-show and inability to empathise with your hurt followed by a 2-day silence. Really surprised that some people think this behaviour is OK from him.

Sounds to me like he never considered it a relationship and wanted to make sure none of your friends group thought it was too, he may well have taken you on holiday as a friend with benefits, but he was making it clear in no uncertain terms that this was nothing more than that.

It depends what you want to happen now.

If this was the final straw, the relationship is over, you never want to see him again and are looking forward to your move and starting a new life then YANBU of course - you're welcome to cut anyone out of your life if they don't add anything to it and you want to move on.

But if you're blocking him because you want him to apologise, find another way to contact you, and continue the relationship then it seems a bit like a teenager throwing a tantrum.

have no idea who the friend was. I found it suspicious that he wouldn’t talk on the phone, but the fact he was going to turn up Joseph anyway made me think I was overthinking that bit.

Oh. Well, you don't know if he really would have followed through and brought 'Joseph' or made a last minute excuse. I think his curt messages were to ensure you got upset and argued, giving him an excuse to not come.

You mentioned someone cheated at start of relationship. I think he's done that here.... it does seem odd you wouldn't know who this friend was, as it would have to be a very good friend to drive 3 hours and redecorate a flat and change plans with gf for.

Joseph is not a friend.

Also why was he staying at a friend's place that night? And not his own? Or yours? If you all live in same city....

Could there be a possibility that he is trying to avoid someone at that party hence not showing up? Something you might not know perhaps?
if not, I would be curious of who this important joseph is tbh, that he will go before your feelings.

Well, we stay at each other’s houses to sleep together.

I’ve said his friend lives hours away, which is why I can’t understand why he went there on a day we’d planned for a while.