For blocking the guy I’m seeing because he didn’t show up to my party?

[allura]

The guy I’m seeing is part of the same friendship group as me, I’ve known him for nearly 2 years, we all met in uni (we were all “mature” students in our late 20s at the time)

I got a promotion and will be moving to a new city (literally the next one over from us right now) so my friends threw me a “good luck” party. This was discussed in the friendship group maybe 2 months before it happened.

I have been seeing Jamie (not real name) for a year, we’ve discussed continuing our relationship/situationship when I move away as it’s only slightly further away.

He has shift work so I asked him a month in advance if he was coming, he said he’d change his shift and definitely be there. We spoke about it up until the day before. He dropped me back home after me staying at his and said “see you tomorrow”.

the next day he didn’t get in touch as normal, but I didn’t think too much of it. I eventually rang him at 3pm to ask what his plans were. He didn’t answer and just text me saying “just text me I’m helping a friend decorate his new flat”. So I just text asking what time he was getting to mine so we could arrive at the party together. He didn’t get back to until 5pm saying he was dropping off his friend at his girlfriends and needed to get a shower, drop something at his sisters etc…

wed had this planned for months that he would arrive at mine at 5, we’d have some drinks together and then go to the party at 7.

at 6 he text me saying can he bring his friend because his girlfriend had cancelled. I said no - this was a gathering of like 7 uni friends! I think I was a bit unreasonable about that, but it felt so childish he needed a friend there, when I was there? Like he was nervous? He said he couldn’t stay at my place after because he needed to drop his friend off to his flat.

anyway, he never got back to me, so I went to the gathering on my own. All my friend were asking where he was and told me he was an idiot and that it was hurtful.

When I’d had too much to drink I just text him saying it was hurtful he didn’t come. He text back “I thought it might be awkward if I just turned up”

I was so hurt I just blocked him.

I move next week and still haven’t spoken to him at all.

was I unreasonable??

You have lot of growing up to do OP.

OK, so it sounds like he was way too relaxed about the plan, was busy with his mate, meaning he'd be late then wanted to invite his mate at the last minute. He sounds like my DH - always far too laid back, unrealistic re timings and often makes us late for things, changes plans at the last minute etc. I can see why you're annoyed with him and how it must have been embarrassing to turn up alone, when everyone was expecting you there as a couple.
However, I don't think it's worth dumping and blocking him over this. It's not like he slept with your sister or something!
If he's usually a good partner and you have a good relationship I'd just sit down with him and have a chat. This one incident doesn't seem worth ending a good relationship over. However, if he's always letting you down and you don't feel this relationship is worth it, then that's another story.

OP,

We teach people how to treat us.

I can understand your not being impressed with his casual attitude to a long held plan for the evening.

I think you know if he has been dismissive and disrespectful.

You can most certainly finish things for this reason.

I think he’s just not that in to you. He’s giving the classic ‘I’m so busy / I’m so scared’ excuses. The various stories of the ‘I’m so busy’ activities he was doing that day were him easing you into him cancelling later on. I’ve seen it all before!

If he cared, he’d have been there OR if there had been a GENUINE reason to cancel (you’d feel in your gut if it was genuine) he’d have let you know in good time and with a genuine apology.

This is no reflection on you. You’ve said what you need to say and he gave a crap excuse. I’d not have blocked him maybe not replied or replied with whatever I felt (I.e that it being awkward was a crap excuse.)

You can explain yourself all you want with these types of people but generally it’s just who they are I.e. spineless and they will carry on doing it.

I found it out exhausting trying to explain to men in their 20s that this type of behaviour is rude and flakey so I always cut my losses with a three strikes and your out type of approach.

This way I sifted out the rubbish and left room for my man who never does stuff like this :) Good luck in your future dating x

Yup agree with the above, you want him to toe the line and be a good boyfriend and he won’t.
Holiday doesn’t have the meaning you think it does, he might have just wanted a week away.
Quicker to just admit the situationship isn’t going to work and hope for a wider man market in the new place.

It's all a bit dramatic. It's a casual night out with old friends, not a royal wedding. He wanted to change a few unimportant parts of the arrangement. I think you've probably overreacted.

Exactly!

Have you actually spoken to him rather than just texting?

What stands out to me is that your friends threw you a party to mark your new move, but you were more focused on meeting J first so you could arrive with him, even though he's part of the group anyway. That seems odd. As does making a big deal of booking J in advance. Like you value the perceived status of being coupled above your relationships with your friends. Maybe he picked up on that weirdness?

Saying no to J's friend seems ungenerous and again like you wanted to monopolise J as your boyfriend even though it was a group event and he has independent friendships with everyone there.

I won’t offer my feminist critique on the concept of EUPD, and graciously say no, I do not.

Yanbu to end it, I’d have been hurt too, but yabu to just block him without having the basic courtesy of phoning him to say its over.

Do you mind me asking how old you both are OP?

I wasn’t focused more on that, but I had arranged my day with the view that he would be arriving at mine at a certain time - having hair done very early and saying no to other plans.

He had suggested it would be nice to have a few drinks at my place and head on over together. I didn’t lock arm him into coming at all - I just asked if he was up for coming and he arranged the time off.

If he hadn’t had wanted to come at the beginning then I wouldn’t have been upset. What upset me is he made this plan with me, dragged out poor communication for hours on the actual day & then didn’t come at all.

Why are you posting this? What you do want? If you don't want to see him then fine you've achieved that. If you want to sort things out with your BF & your question is was your behaviour OK, no from what I can follow it wasn't. You sound like you were behaving very selfishly and making a big deal of being centre of attention, you've also explained it was your birthday just recently. Your BF wanted to invite another friend to a social gathering, why not? It was hardly a romantic meal for 2, all the messages about seeing you as a couple sound very strange, your not teenagers! I think his lateness was him trying to excert some control. So if you want him back I'd apologise and ask him how he felt and listen and try to amend your behaviour.

I think it’s a classic case of if he wanted to he would.

Find some one new when you move that will show up for you OP.

I didn’t outright say no to his friend coming I sent a message like “turning up without an invite 🙃 will he be staying over at mine too?”

he said “no, I will take him home and stay at his”

I said “so you’re not staying at mine? Shall I stay at yours”

he said “no to both. might need to leave earlyish too to get back”

Early 30s. I’m a bit older than him

OP yanbu. I know exactly what it's like to be in a position like this and can relate exactly to the situationship you've described.

You don't feel secure in this. Your friends were making a fuss of you two being coupled up and he messed you around then publicly embarrassed you. And he said no when you suggested staying in his.

To the multiple PP who said "oh it's all about you" well yes actually it is all about you when it's your bloody party!

I think he has gotten cold feet, maybe the holiday together followed by the prospect of a LDR has forced a decision that he just does not want to commit at the next level.

I know it hurts but you did the right thing. Don't be persuaded now by this thread that you caused this. You did not. You responded to it. You know him, your RL friends know him and they agree he's treated you badly.

I remember sitting in a bar with a couple of friends waiting for my then boyfriend to message me to let me know the dinner plans for our last night in the country before I went on contract overseas. He had to finish some work. I was all dressed up, looked sensational in fact The evening dragged on and then a mutual friend mentioned they'd spotted him playing pool with some lads in the bar next door. I got the same response as you have here when he finally phoned and I ignored it. I'd had enough.

His later argument was that we didn't have a definite time arranged. But they are just semantics - he wasn't pushed and it was clear.

You did the right thing. You're off on your next adventure so (like I was) enjoy what that brings and shake the baggage free.

I agree.

You're getting a hard time here OP and I don't know why. You had plans and the man you're seeing took a dump over them after putting his mate before you.

It does sound like he's not that bothered though. I'd take this opportunity to have a clean break seeing as you're moving away. You're within your rights to block whoever you like too. You don't have to pretend to be chill about something you're not.

😂😂😂

Oh my! Seriously OP! You did say no!

Totally messing you about. Forget him. There's someone way better coming for you.

If immature = having standards then yes she's very immature.

I think I understand what happened here.

Given you're leaving soon and your friend group have never seen you as a couple before, you wanted him there to support you, to mark it as an 'official relationship' and make a romantic evening of it - as you're moving away. He agreed, took the day off but last minute changed plans that meant he'd be 3 hours late and was bringing a friend. None of which was communicated to you till very last minute, and after you chased for a response.

I think not allowing his friend to come was wrong, but I think that you were already angry at this point that he'd not been in touch and changed the plans made ages ago. So in no mood to be reasonable, and I imagine he didn't apologise or acknowledge how you'd feel.

I think he saw spending that time with you and your friends as a couple, alone, as a declaration of the seriousness of the relationship. And doesn't want that level of commitment but didn't want to tell you. Having his friend over was a way to make it casual, and showing up late with a friend, means you don't go as a couple. Kinda like the guys who don't want to accompany you to a wedding as it's too serious/coupley.

Blocking him was a mistake because you've given him an easy out. He never has to admit he didn't want to carry on the relationship, and you've done the dirty work of ending things for him. Anyway, I would forgot about him and focus on your new life. I don't think he's the one for you - the flaky communication and showing up hours late like it's no big deal would annoy me too. I bet he wouldn't do it at work, no reason for him to do that to you. Onwards and upwards!