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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“It’s not really about you, I’m impressed with myself that I could sleep with someone like you”

179 replies

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:25

Said to me by a new boyfriend a week after sleeping together for the first time (after dating for 4 months!). We waited a while because we were really getting to know each other, I find him very respectful and we have a lot in common.

We were talking on the phone and he said something along the lines of “i couldn’t believe it in the morning, it was like a dream”.

I thought he was complimenting me so I just replied jokingly like “well, I do have that effect on people”

He then said, with dead seriousness “no it’s not really about you, it’s more I’m impressed with myself for being able to sleep with someone like you and wake up next to them”

AIBU to think this is a totally weird thing to say to someone?

He’s a very respectful person, and the sex wasn’t objectifying at all. I just don’t know why but it’s made me feel really weird and objectified but I have no idea why…

OP posts:
Motherland2624 · 04/10/2022 11:28

I think it’s a compliment
he thinks he is out of your league

WagathaChristieMystery · 04/10/2022 11:29

Did you ask him what he meant by it? Perhaps delve a bit deeper, and then see how you feel based on that.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/10/2022 11:29

Just say, “You’re welcome.” and move the conversation along.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 04/10/2022 11:30

You feel weird and objectified because you have just been unexpectedly objectified by someone you liked. He is not nice and respectful, he’s been acting that way in order to get something he wanted. I honestly would get rid right now and count myself lucky he stupidly gave me this insight into his true thoughts.

Quitelikeit · 04/10/2022 11:31

It was a compliment. Seriously why look for issues where there aren’t any

SleeplessInEngland · 04/10/2022 11:32

Would have been helpful if you gave the jist of the rest of the conversation. How did you reply? Did he explain what he meant?

Regularsizedrudy · 04/10/2022 11:32

Yeah saying to someone you’ve slept with “it’s not about you” is really fucking weird. It’s like he doesn’t actually realise you’re a person /he can only view things in terms of how they affect HIM

DorotheaHomeAlone · 04/10/2022 11:33

I can’t believe PPs think this is a compliment! The ‘someone like you’ makes it clear he sees you as a pretty prize rather than a real person he has connected with.

ArcaneWireless · 04/10/2022 11:36

Nah. Don’t like that.

I see that and don’t hear ‘How lucky I am that you are in my life’.

More ‘wait till I tell everyone at work I’ve had my nat after having to wait 4 months’.

Not for me.

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

OldWivesTale · 04/10/2022 11:37

I get it, OP. It's dehumanising. I've had similar said to me when I was younger and although it's said as a "compliment" it used to make me feel like shit. As though they don't really like you, just what you represent and how that makes them feel about themselves. It's not a nice feeling.

Original poster
PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:39

SleeplessInEngland · 04/10/2022 11:32

Would have been helpful if you gave the jist of the rest of the conversation. How did you reply? Did he explain what he meant?

I didn’t know what to say to be honest. The conversation just moved onto something else then. I didn’t ask for clarification because in the moment (and probably still now) I didn’t want to make a big deal of something he said if he was trying to compliment me? If that makes sense.

I think it’s the “it’s not really about you” bit of the comment that hurts me tbh

OP posts:
Delilahonabike · 04/10/2022 11:41

Reminds of the guy who wanted to take my photo the morning after because 'my mates will never believe me'. No thanks Envy (not envy)

Original poster
PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:44

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

Oh I didn’t think of it like that Sad

I get the impression he was genuinely pleased with himself though. He also told me he’d told his best friend

although thinking about it, he might be laughing with them about it?

he’s very nice besides this comment and we’ve had sex since, surely you wouldn’t do that with someone you thought was lower than you?

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 04/10/2022 11:44

If this is verbatim what he said, it's weird whatever he meant. "It was like a dream". Who says stuff like that in real life? That would give me the ick and no going back.

Mushroomlady · 04/10/2022 11:44

Maybe he is surprised himself by pursuing more than a one night stand situation. ?? That would be my reading.

Original poster
PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:47

Mushroomlady · 04/10/2022 11:44

Maybe he is surprised himself by pursuing more than a one night stand situation. ?? That would be my reading.

I doubt it, we were dating for months before this.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/10/2022 11:48

That wasn't a compliment, although he might think it could be. He thinks you're out of his league. It's a hurtful comment and he needs to explain it or it'll stay in the back of your head.

ArcaneWireless · 04/10/2022 11:48

‘He’s told his best friend.’ Lovely.

Think on that next time you next sleep with him. Or have thrush.

butterfliedtwo · 04/10/2022 11:50

There is no reading of this that wouldn't give me the ick. What else is he telling the friend?

Trisolaris · 04/10/2022 11:51

It’s treating you like your looks are the best thing about you.

Its like being impressed at yourself for catching a big fish. wow, I have such skill for catching this one! Not considering the agency of the other person.

It would be different if he talked about how lucky he was to be with you because you are amazing etc and you had also chosen him.

35965a · 04/10/2022 11:52

That is not a compliment. He’s a narcissist.

Miniforce · 04/10/2022 11:52

It is weird and icky but if he's otherwise nice and normal I'd try to forget about it and move on. Sometimes people say weird things without thinking or things come out wrong.

35965a · 04/10/2022 11:52

Trisolaris · 04/10/2022 11:51

It’s treating you like your looks are the best thing about you.

Its like being impressed at yourself for catching a big fish. wow, I have such skill for catching this one! Not considering the agency of the other person.

It would be different if he talked about how lucky he was to be with you because you are amazing etc and you had also chosen him.

This is more eloquent than what I wanted to say totally this

Puppers · 04/10/2022 11:55

Completely disrespectful and objectifying. He doesn't sound like a good guy. I'm agog that PPs are spinning it as a compliment and would put up with this, even convincing themselves it's a good thing.

Quite often blokes like this show their true colours once they've got what they want and unfortunately waiting doesn't always weed the creeps out: some of them relish the "challenge".

Saying "it's not really about you" smacks of "don't start thinking you're special". Sort of like negging. I can't quite articulate it.

I'd bin him off. My tolerance for this kind of twattery really waned as I got further into my 20s.

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