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AIBU?

“It’s not really about you, I’m impressed with myself that I could sleep with someone like you”

179 replies

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:25

Said to me by a new boyfriend a week after sleeping together for the first time (after dating for 4 months!). We waited a while because we were really getting to know each other, I find him very respectful and we have a lot in common.

We were talking on the phone and he said something along the lines of “i couldn’t believe it in the morning, it was like a dream”.

I thought he was complimenting me so I just replied jokingly like “well, I do have that effect on people”

He then said, with dead seriousness “no it’s not really about you, it’s more I’m impressed with myself for being able to sleep with someone like you and wake up next to them”

AIBU to think this is a totally weird thing to say to someone?

He’s a very respectful person, and the sex wasn’t objectifying at all. I just don’t know why but it’s made me feel really weird and objectified but I have no idea why…

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Am I being unreasonable?

511 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
76%
ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/10/2022 18:25

It sounds like he thinks you are the type of person, that his friends, family, colleagues etc. will be impressed with and that somehow elevates his status in their eyes and in turn his insecurities are reduced.

I would be considered that his interest isn't mainly in you but more about how others perceive him as a result of being with you.

It really would turn me off but if you still like him, then I think you need to discuss it future.

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Iusyje · 04/10/2022 18:28

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 12:16

Sad maybe I am being really naive, but would someone really spend so much time and effort on someone they thought were below them? I’ve met his family and attended his sisters wedding so it’s not just a casual thing to be honest.

I don’t know, before this I did think he thought I was attractive (and vice versa).

Have you heard that men are from Mars? That's because most of them really are. A girl shared online hiw a guy went out with her for 2 years, during which time they didn't have sex as she wanted to wait until she felt the relationship was strong. Well... after the 2 years and the guy being a very good boyfriend they eventually had sex. She bever heard from him ever again. As weird as it sounds, seems like some men will do anything for sex from someone they are hell bent on sleeping with.

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HailAdrian · 04/10/2022 18:29

I think you just want to tell people you're out of your boyfriend's 'league' 😉

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noirchatsdeux · 04/10/2022 18:30

I take it you have big tits and he insults women who don't?
And made a comment about not ever expecting to get a page 3 type of girl into bed?
Even if I'm wrong, the comment and telling his friend he'd shagged you makes him sound as shallow as a puddle.

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AlternativelyWired · 04/10/2022 18:32

He views you as a prize and he's pleased he's won you. Comments like this are deeply telling.

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Preggopreggo · 04/10/2022 18:41

Definitely worth reading up on covert narcissists.

You sound very switched on and lovely, I hope you get the genuinely great man you deserve, whether that turns out to be him or not.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:46

ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/10/2022 18:25

It sounds like he thinks you are the type of person, that his friends, family, colleagues etc. will be impressed with and that somehow elevates his status in their eyes and in turn his insecurities are reduced.

I would be considered that his interest isn't mainly in you but more about how others perceive him as a result of being with you.

It really would turn me off but if you still like him, then I think you need to discuss it future.

He is obsessed with status to be fair, and does seem overly interested in my job

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:48

HailAdrian · 04/10/2022 18:29

I think you just want to tell people you're out of your boyfriend's 'league' 😉

how would people be able to tell me on here if I’m out of his league? No one has any idea what I look like.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:49

noirchatsdeux · 04/10/2022 18:30

I take it you have big tits and he insults women who don't?
And made a comment about not ever expecting to get a page 3 type of girl into bed?
Even if I'm wrong, the comment and telling his friend he'd shagged you makes him sound as shallow as a puddle.

Nope not big boobs or a page 3 girl!

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ImpartialMongoose · 04/10/2022 18:49

Completely get why you feel weird about this remark. It's like he's patting himself on the back for bagging a "hottie". Which implies he saw the sex with you as an achievement, rather than an act of intimacy with a person he feels connected to.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:59

ImpartialMongoose · 04/10/2022 18:49

Completely get why you feel weird about this remark. It's like he's patting himself on the back for bagging a "hottie". Which implies he saw the sex with you as an achievement, rather than an act of intimacy with a person he feels connected to.

Yeah this is articulated much better than what I wrote. That’s exactly what I meant!

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1234TellMeWhatYouLookinFor · 04/10/2022 19:07

@PeakyShiner there are more than one type of narcissist. Like the shyish covert one. No one is a textbook version anyways.

Im not qualified to diagnose anyone and neither will you be, but he just sounds very much like my stbx. Actually throughout our relationship he would sort of train me to be a certain way, by being very attentive when i behaved or did 'right' things. I would get presents, compliments, bath run for me with candles etc etc..
On a surface level he was a dream partner. But underneath he has not cared about me for me. Only what i can make him appear as: a successful businessman, a doting dad with lovely kids, solid married man. Behind closed doors he would insult my body (you've put on weight, need to exercise, you have cellulite), my hobbies (knitting is for grannies), my intellect (you're a great mum, but that's about it) Plus the revenge cheating when i didnt have enough sex with him (due to grief, pnd and having a baby with a birth defect).

Even now that im divorcing him and he has insulted, gaslighted, controlled and shouted at me about everything possible to the point of disbelief, he just turned around one day and said 'cant we just go back to normal' He got me some wine, tidied up, cooked, invited people round for bbq and expected me to just be happy again.
So, even if you carry on with him, please watch a few more dr ramanis videos to make sure youll recognise the red flags if they appear again.

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billy1966 · 04/10/2022 19:14

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:15

I’ve never heard of covert narcissists…

OP,

You need to educate yourself about Covert Narcissism.

The description of him as you go on is very Icky.

Insecure, shallow, belittling of others that don't meet his standards, consumed by your looks, job and status.

I would think he has indeed slipped up but he has given you lots of hints too.

All those pieces of the jigsaw put together really doesn't sound great.

I would be very very wary of who he REALLY is.

I don't think you know at all.

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HorseInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 19:16

He does seem to glorify (I don’t know if that’s the right word) and constantly compliment a certain aspect of my appearance and constantly belittles people who have the opposite of it.

I wouldn't like that at all. It's not attractive to hear a man talking shit about the way other women look. Together with that comment in your OP which suggests he sees you as a conquest and an achievement, he's sounding like a man who doesn't have much respect for women. Belittling the ones who don't meet his standards and putting 'hot' women on a pedestal. Hmm he's not coming across well from the way you are describing him.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 04/10/2022 19:18

He’s fetishising and objectifying you and it’s a deal breaker.

He really isn’t this nice guy he seems so be.

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HeckyPeck · 04/10/2022 19:36

HorseInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 19:16

He does seem to glorify (I don’t know if that’s the right word) and constantly compliment a certain aspect of my appearance and constantly belittles people who have the opposite of it.

I wouldn't like that at all. It's not attractive to hear a man talking shit about the way other women look. Together with that comment in your OP which suggests he sees you as a conquest and an achievement, he's sounding like a man who doesn't have much respect for women. Belittling the ones who don't meet his standards and putting 'hot' women on a pedestal. Hmm he's not coming across well from the way you are describing him.

Yes I agree.

I know you find him to be lovely and a gentleman, but I don't think lovely and gentlemanly people belittle other women for their appearance.

It's one thing to say for eg I love big bums like yours, but quite another to point out someone else and be nasty about their smaller bum.

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been and done it. · 04/10/2022 20:01

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 12:16

Sad maybe I am being really naive, but would someone really spend so much time and effort on someone they thought were below them? I’ve met his family and attended his sisters wedding so it’s not just a casual thing to be honest.

I don’t know, before this I did think he thought I was attractive (and vice versa).

I think he was just being a dope to be honest...my husband, at times, is as sensitive as a brick..and has no idea why I get upset.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 20:22

Belittle was a stupid word to use. But he does comment on women’s appearance. He finds the current aesthetic being pushed on SM as being very unattractive and says it makes people look like Bratz dolls/it’s a form of self sabotage to get implants/butt lifts etc

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MarshaBradyo · 04/10/2022 20:28

Op what do your friends think?

We won’t really know what he’s like as it’s too abstract

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HorseInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 20:36

Either way, he should be able to compliment you without making negative comments about other women. Men who seem to like you because you're "not like other women" are not nice men. Do you get that impression from him?

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CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 04/10/2022 20:42

It's all speculation, to some extent. Icky though it is. It could hand been a dumb thing to say that he cringed about later. (best case scenario)
Prick your ears up and get to know him better. If this was a mask slip asking him about it might just give him the chance to cover up better. Maybe it will be best to chalk it up to 'questionable' and await further clues.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 20:56

MarshaBradyo · 04/10/2022 20:28

Op what do your friends think?

We won’t really know what he’s like as it’s too abstract

My friends think he is nice, a bit shy but the complete opposite of the questionable exes I’ve had.

I told my close friend about his comment and she just said “how weird” but didn’t really expand, her bf said it sounded like a compliment but I could tell my friend didn’t think it was

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billy1966 · 04/10/2022 22:06

Your gut is whispering to you that something maybe off.

Listen to it very carefully going forward.

It warns you to protect you.

I agree with not saying anything to him.
Listen carefully and be alert going forward and perhaps get the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy.

It is always highly recommended by posters on here.

Knowledge is power.

When a mans behaviour confuses you, be careful.

Good men don't confuse with their behaviour and actions IMO, and they certainly don't ever speak disrespectfully about women and their appearance.

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TwentyoneSleeps · 04/10/2022 22:21

It sounds a bit like he got overexcited and blurted out how amazed he was that he could sleep with a girl like you. It sounds a bit childish of him to say it but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. In all honesty with all his good points and the way you’ve described him I wouldn’t fixate on this one comment. I think he told you he told his friend he slept with you as he’s again so amazed he managed to. He does sound immature to me but I don’t think that’s a bad thing necessarily. My DH is pretty childish and I love him to bits.

You said you think you are finding fault with him. Are you scared to get too serious? Are there any other issues? But if this is it I wouldn’t worry.

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altmember · 04/10/2022 23:32

Preggopreggo · 04/10/2022 18:41

Definitely worth reading up on covert narcissists.

You sound very switched on and lovely, I hope you get the genuinely great man you deserve, whether that turns out to be him or not.

Covert narcissism is fictional - the very definition of a narcissist means that they can't be covert. It's a made up term so that more people can be given the narcissist badge (which is dramatically overused even in the traditional sense).

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