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AIBU?

“It’s not really about you, I’m impressed with myself that I could sleep with someone like you”

179 replies

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:25

Said to me by a new boyfriend a week after sleeping together for the first time (after dating for 4 months!). We waited a while because we were really getting to know each other, I find him very respectful and we have a lot in common.

We were talking on the phone and he said something along the lines of “i couldn’t believe it in the morning, it was like a dream”.

I thought he was complimenting me so I just replied jokingly like “well, I do have that effect on people”

He then said, with dead seriousness “no it’s not really about you, it’s more I’m impressed with myself for being able to sleep with someone like you and wake up next to them”

AIBU to think this is a totally weird thing to say to someone?

He’s a very respectful person, and the sex wasn’t objectifying at all. I just don’t know why but it’s made me feel really weird and objectified but I have no idea why…

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Am I being unreasonable?

511 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
24%
You are NOT being unreasonable
76%
TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 04/10/2022 14:02

I’ve really got no idea what to make of this. Which is rare.

I feel like it needs more clarification. It’s way too ambiguous in isolation.

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idonotmind · 04/10/2022 14:03

He's young isn't he?

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 14:04

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 04/10/2022 14:02

I’ve really got no idea what to make of this. Which is rare.

I feel like it needs more clarification. It’s way too ambiguous in isolation.

Do you mean more clarification on the conversation we had? Or clarification from him?

OP posts:
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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 14:05

idonotmind · 04/10/2022 14:03

He's young isn't he?

In his 30s

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HeckyPeck · 04/10/2022 14:05

It comes across in a similar vein to negging to me.

Sex last night was great.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Well it's not about you. You didn't do anything special. It's about the fact that I bagged a hot chick. Go me!

Gross.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 14:05

Stravaig · 04/10/2022 13:10

Is he very sexually inexperienced or could he have been a virgin, OP?

(I still think the why doesn't matter, and you should listen to your weird/objectified feeling.)

Definitely not a virgin!

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ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/10/2022 14:08

dudsville · 04/10/2022 12:48

I think he's done a massive foot in mouth drop. His ego has had a massive boost from being with you, he's right that this is about him, but i wouldn't take it alone as a red flag.

I agree with this. We all say daft things without thinking sometimes - clearly he’s thinking ‘I can’t believe I bagged such a stunner!’

I wouldn’t write him off after this. It doesn’t sound like there’s any other red flags so I’d file this one away and take note for future reference. Sure he might still turn out to be a dick, but I don’t think this comment is necessarily indicative of that.

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waterlego · 04/10/2022 14:13

HeckyPeck · 04/10/2022 14:05

It comes across in a similar vein to negging to me.

Sex last night was great.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Well it's not about you. You didn't do anything special. It's about the fact that I bagged a hot chick. Go me!

Gross.

Yes this, exactly.

He thinks you’re out of his league. He could have said just that and it might have felt like a compliment, but adding ‘it’s not really about you’ ruins it. It’s not about you as an individual, it’s about your status as a particular type of woman (an attractive one). It makes it seem like it could have been any one of a number of attractive women and he’d have felt equally pleased with himself.

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TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 04/10/2022 14:13

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 14:04

Do you mean more clarification on the conversation we had? Or clarification from him?

From him! I just feel like it’s all so open to interpretation - which is why there’s such a variety of reaction here.

FWIW, I wouldn’t be bothered if someone told their friend they had sex with me. Especially if they bigged me up Wink but if he was saying it in any kind of a derogatory or disrespectful way, I wouldn’t be happy. But I can’t gauge whether he is!

Also, if I saw my friends the next day, I’d tell them I had sex (knocking on 40 here) but I wouldn’t ring them explicitly to tell them. So that’s another factor for me here…

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Stravaig · 04/10/2022 14:21

This is so interesting. I don't think I've ever told a friend that I had sex! Talked about sex generally, yes, but never informed them about a specific event.

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ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/10/2022 14:22

Stravaig · 04/10/2022 14:21

This is so interesting. I don't think I've ever told a friend that I had sex! Talked about sex generally, yes, but never informed them about a specific event.

Are you single? Have you never told someone you’re dating someone new and they’ve asked you if you’ve slept together yet?

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Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 14:24

Some of these replies are a bit OTT!!

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Thelnebriati · 04/10/2022 14:31

Negging is giving someone a backhanded, undermining compliment that shakes their confidence. The intention is to make them feel uncertain, which can make them feel vulnerable and in need of reassurance.
Google it, and watch out for other signs of him using it.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 14:31

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 04/10/2022 14:13

From him! I just feel like it’s all so open to interpretation - which is why there’s such a variety of reaction here.

FWIW, I wouldn’t be bothered if someone told their friend they had sex with me. Especially if they bigged me up Wink but if he was saying it in any kind of a derogatory or disrespectful way, I wouldn’t be happy. But I can’t gauge whether he is!

Also, if I saw my friends the next day, I’d tell them I had sex (knocking on 40 here) but I wouldn’t ring them explicitly to tell them. So that’s another factor for me here…

To be fair, he didn’t ring his friend up and tell him - he met up with his friend and then told him when they met up.

I don’t think it’s at all weird to tell your friends when you’ve slept with someone new.. I told my friend! But, I find it weird that he would then tell me he’d told them….

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TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 04/10/2022 14:37

Yeah I can see that. I don’t think I’ve ever then told the guy that I told my friends!

I cant offer much more of anything here as I’m equally confused by his comments!

I think you should just ask him. It really might just be a terribly worded compliment. Better to know than assume - and risk chucking a good one away.

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ZooTropia · 04/10/2022 14:41

He sounds young and is just saying it to maybe be a complement?

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Pirrin · 04/10/2022 14:51

It is hard to interpret. However, I don't think it matters that much.

How you felt, as the person he actually spoke to, is the most important part. And you felt uncomfortable. I think many of us have become very good at filing the things that made us a bit uncomfortable under 'i probably got the wrong end of the stick, ah never mind'. I don't think that's a good idea though. If this relationship is going anywhere then it needs to able to survive you saying how something made you feel, even if you change your mind about that feeling after talking it through. So I'd say either a) talk with him about it - "I've been feeling weird about that comment you made, can we talk about it" and see if that clears things up for you, or b) decide its enough to put you off and end things.

Don't sweep it under the rug though as that sets a precedent fot not considering your own feelings worth listening to, and they most definitely are.

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mam0918 · 04/10/2022 15:03

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

He said it was like a 'dream' not a 'nightmare'... your really trying to twist it but its hardly like hes dated OP for 4 months in a long game of 'pull a pig', he clearly thinks she is out of his league not below hime.

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DeeCeeCherry · 04/10/2022 15:09

Why didnt you just ask him? Instead of keeping quiet then coming online to ask a bunch of strangers in increasingly complicated and overthinking fashion?

4 words: What do you mean?

Sex with a man youre scared to ask a question is a no-no, it means you can't/arent being your authentic self. May as well stop the coy game and ask him.

Anyway good luck.

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CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 04/10/2022 15:17

Gives me the ick though hard to pinpoint into words why.
I think kindest interpretation is he is insecure and amazed to have 'done so well' (there's that ick again). But a relationship where one views the other as some kind of validation trophy isn't balanced or healthy, when you connect you connect.
I think at least put a big question mark over him and keep your eyes and ears peeled for any other signs you're valued for the status of your beauty not as the person you are... Or just run for the hills, its hard to say which is best.

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newsaint · 04/10/2022 15:20

I don't think the guy was putting OP down at all, I think he is saying he had thought she was out of his league (not vice versa).

Perhaps he expressed it a bit awkwardly.

He is hardly likely to wait 4 months to sleep with someone, only to use the incident as a put down is he? I mean, come on!

If you like him OP, carry on and forgive him this one miscommunication.

Don't listen to the MN crowd who lust after dumping someone over nothing at every opportunity. There has been folk burned for having the wrong brand of tomato sauce etc, its just ridiculous!

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Stravaig · 04/10/2022 15:28

There has been folk burned for having the wrong brand of tomato sauce etc, its just ridiculous!

Well to be fair, if his ketchup is flammable, I'd be out the door too. The ultimate red flag.

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altmember · 04/10/2022 15:29

When I read the title it did initially sound like he was saying he'd lowered himself to sleep with you - I was expecting that to be a message as you were being dumped. But clearly he wasn't trying to offend you, seems more like a self depreciating comment, just that he was really clumsy with words.

And I think the "it's not really about you remark", was in response to you saying that "you do have that effect on people". He took you very literally, and was trying to say that he didn't feel like you'd lured him into it!

I'd be wondering if he's ND? Or really immature, could imagine it from an 18-20 year old, but does sound odd coming from a bloke in his 30's. Are these kind of comments/conversations out of character for him? Would've thought you'd noticed other things in the preceding 4 months.

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Choconut · 04/10/2022 15:38

Yeah it sounds like he's just impressed that he scored with someone hot. Is he always that immature? It's like he doesn't see you as a whole person with a personality and feelings, sex was jut an achievement for him.

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Elsiebear90 · 04/10/2022 15:39

I think it was a bit of word vomit tbh, he sounds like he was trying to say he couldn’t believe someone as good looking as you would sleep with him, he thought it was a dream, but worded it badly. I would take it as a clumsy compliment if he’s not given you any other cause for concern.

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