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AIBU?

“It’s not really about you, I’m impressed with myself that I could sleep with someone like you”

179 replies

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:25

Said to me by a new boyfriend a week after sleeping together for the first time (after dating for 4 months!). We waited a while because we were really getting to know each other, I find him very respectful and we have a lot in common.

We were talking on the phone and he said something along the lines of “i couldn’t believe it in the morning, it was like a dream”.

I thought he was complimenting me so I just replied jokingly like “well, I do have that effect on people”

He then said, with dead seriousness “no it’s not really about you, it’s more I’m impressed with myself for being able to sleep with someone like you and wake up next to them”

AIBU to think this is a totally weird thing to say to someone?

He’s a very respectful person, and the sex wasn’t objectifying at all. I just don’t know why but it’s made me feel really weird and objectified but I have no idea why…

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Am I being unreasonable?

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:59

Trisolaris · 04/10/2022 11:51

It’s treating you like your looks are the best thing about you.

Its like being impressed at yourself for catching a big fish. wow, I have such skill for catching this one! Not considering the agency of the other person.

It would be different if he talked about how lucky he was to be with you because you are amazing etc and you had also chosen him.

I think you are right. To me it sounds like something a guy would say to his mates to try and impress them “I’m impressed I got this one into bed!” If that makes sense. Even if you thought it, I don’t think it’s normal to share it with the person in question.

What upsets me the most is that he is a genuinely nice person. We spend most of our time talking, he drives 2 hours to see me for like 2 hours when I’ve plans later in the day, we don’t always have sex when we meet up, he calls me regularly and answers his phone whenever I call him… it just makes me sad that this could be an indication he’s not as nice as I thought

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UrslaB · 04/10/2022 12:06

There are multiple ways to interpret this as it is an unclear statement. It could be an insult, in that he thinks he is better than you and he is surprised he slept with someone beneath him, or it could be a compliment based on his own insecurities that he feels himself to be unworthy and so was surprised that he was able to be with someone he has come to care for. In such case, it really isn't about you, but about his own insecurities. It is uncertain which.

You would have to follow up the conversation. Jumping to conclusions, assigning meaning based on personal assumption or listening to speculation on here seems a bit daft when you can get the truth right from the horse's mouth by asking him.

After dating for 4 months I would have thought you had a better sense of who he is and what he could have meant than anyone else, or at least that after taking the time to get to know each other before sleeping together you would at least be able to have an adult conversation about a miscommunication.

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Queenofheart · 04/10/2022 12:06

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

I actually thought this too, that it was an insult ...

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KimberleyClark · 04/10/2022 12:07

Sounded like a compliment to me, that he was saying you are out of his league and he feels lucky to be with you?

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Wallywobbles · 04/10/2022 12:08

Yup he thinks you are out of his league. It is a compliment. Just not a very nice one.

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Username1234321 · 04/10/2022 12:09

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

I thought this too

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Over40Overdating · 04/10/2022 12:09

I had this once @PeakyShiner : I found out not long after that he had rejoined online dating because ‘I never thought someone like you would have me and you did, so who’s to say I can’t do better’.

He did not, in fact, ‘do better’ and begged me to take him back on the grounds that he it wasn’t his fault - I’d given him the confidence to think he could do better, after all.

He was a ‘nice one’ too before that - with hindsight I can see he was an insecure love bomber who did whatever it took to ‘win the prize’ and once he did the shine wore off.

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MarigoldMoonStone · 04/10/2022 12:10

I would take it like he thinks you really really good looking, out of his league but it wasn't about your personality or performance. It was rude, and you should say what exactly did you mean "it wasn't about you"
basically like you could of been an empty vessel and he would still of been pleased about it - gross.

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Blueberrywitch · 04/10/2022 12:13

I think it was a compliment too. He said it felt like a dream and you said “I have that effect” and he said, no it’s not about you, as in, “you didn’t do anything weird or strange to make it feel that way” just that by being yourself and such a prize, he felt like it was a wild dream.

However, you probably feel weird because you now have the ick. Even if you feel someone is out of your league, you should always pretend you think they’re in your league! He’s eroded his sexy power by saying that and now you probably feel icky (I would anyway).

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User0610134057 · 04/10/2022 12:15

I don’t really understand what he meant

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MarigoldMoonStone · 04/10/2022 12:15

unless he meant ...its not really about you, I just never thought I would get someone like you...but its still not a compliment, its a stupid thing to say. Definitely needs to explain it

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Sirius3030 · 04/10/2022 12:16

It was meant as a compliment. He phrased it badly. Ho hum, we’ve all said awkward things at odd moments. You said he seems like a nice guy after 4 months of dating? He probably is, so just move on with him.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 12:16

Username1234321 · 04/10/2022 12:09

I thought this too

Sad maybe I am being really naive, but would someone really spend so much time and effort on someone they thought were below them? I’ve met his family and attended his sisters wedding so it’s not just a casual thing to be honest.

I don’t know, before this I did think he thought I was attractive (and vice versa).

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Octomore · 04/10/2022 12:17

DorotheaHomeAlone · 04/10/2022 11:30

You feel weird and objectified because you have just been unexpectedly objectified by someone you liked. He is not nice and respectful, he’s been acting that way in order to get something he wanted. I honestly would get rid right now and count myself lucky he stupidly gave me this insight into his true thoughts.

This. He objectified you, which is why you are feeling the way you are. Your feelings are valid.

Honestly, that comment would put me off him. "It's not really about you" means that in his world you could be replaced by any random good looking woman. It's not really a compliment.

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Miniforce · 04/10/2022 12:17

I don't know why people are assuming it's just about your looks. 'I never thought I'd sleep with someone like you' could just as easily be about your personality (or indeed something else like social class, political views, etc.) Obviously that doesn't necessarily mean it's a compliment!!

Personally I'd bring it up again, ask him what he meant by it and let him know it bothered you, then gauge his reaction. Wouldn't bin someone off just for saying one weird thing.

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CheezePleeze · 04/10/2022 12:18

There are multiple interpretations here OP.

Ask him what he meant if it's bothering you, instead of Mumsnet, because as you know, some posters are very negative in their thinking and would always go for the more depressing option no matter how it was meant.

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Stravaig · 04/10/2022 12:34

Well he's definitely objectified you. We can speculate as to what's behind it, but really you have to ask him. I'd trust your initial feeling about it, and back away.

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Noteverybodylives · 04/10/2022 12:39

Stop trying to complicate things.

He tried to give you a compliment which came out wrong as it wasn’t rehearsed in his head like most compliments and you are trying to find something to be offended about.

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TheDuck2018 · 04/10/2022 12:39

I just took it as he feels you're out if his league, he never imagined he could end up with someone as great as you.
You've already said how lovely he is in other ways...why not just ask him what he meant, and not on here...there are serious manhaters on here who will never see the good in anything....

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ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/10/2022 12:42

I would find that a massive turnoff.

It's clear that he sees you as out of his league and more of a target that seeing you a real person and equal partner.

It told you, it's not about you, he's just massively impressed with himself that he hit the target. One to be proud off like, boast about.

It's like he's saying it wasn't easy but he got over the line.

Unless he has a serious understanding of how thick he has been, I would get rid of him.

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steff13 · 04/10/2022 12:43

I think he thinks you're out of his league. I would find it a bit weird, is he a bit awkward generally? I wouldn't dump him for this if I liked him, but I'd consider it a yellow flag.

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ArcaneWireless · 04/10/2022 12:45

Regardless of whether he meant it as a compliment or not, it still isn’t nice that he is telling his mate all about it. And telling you that he told his mate to boot.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 12:47

it was related to looks, the part before this part of the conversation is too embarrassing to post, but it was definitely related to looks.

I get that he could have just said it awkwardly but the fact he started the sentence with it’s not really about you

that makes me think what others have said that it could just have been anyone who looked like me and he would have been pleased with himself.

if he’d have just said “well I was made up with myself for waking up next to you to be honest” or “well I’m pretty impressed” I would’ve just laughed it off and thought he was just being charming or whatever.

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dudsville · 04/10/2022 12:48

I think he's done a massive foot in mouth drop. His ego has had a massive boost from being with you, he's right that this is about him, but i wouldn't take it alone as a red flag.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 12:49

steff13 · 04/10/2022 12:43

I think he thinks you're out of his league. I would find it a bit weird, is he a bit awkward generally? I wouldn't dump him for this if I liked him, but I'd consider it a yellow flag.

I wouldn’t say he’s awkward, very articulate and expressive usually. He’s quite shy though, doesn’t really like talking about sex or anything like that, I suppose prudish is the word. Which is why the comment was so out of the blue to honest

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