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AIBU?

“It’s not really about you, I’m impressed with myself that I could sleep with someone like you”

179 replies

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:25

Said to me by a new boyfriend a week after sleeping together for the first time (after dating for 4 months!). We waited a while because we were really getting to know each other, I find him very respectful and we have a lot in common.

We were talking on the phone and he said something along the lines of “i couldn’t believe it in the morning, it was like a dream”.

I thought he was complimenting me so I just replied jokingly like “well, I do have that effect on people”

He then said, with dead seriousness “no it’s not really about you, it’s more I’m impressed with myself for being able to sleep with someone like you and wake up next to them”

AIBU to think this is a totally weird thing to say to someone?

He’s a very respectful person, and the sex wasn’t objectifying at all. I just don’t know why but it’s made me feel really weird and objectified but I have no idea why…

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Am I being unreasonable?

511 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
76%
PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 12:51

ArcaneWireless · 04/10/2022 12:45

Regardless of whether he meant it as a compliment or not, it still isn’t nice that he is telling his mate all about it. And telling you that he told his mate to boot.

I don’t know why he told me that either. We’re in our early 30s, I don’t get why he’d feel the need to tell people when he’s had sex

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jewishmum · 04/10/2022 12:51

He told his friend that he had sex with you? Omg. He sounds like a teenager. Maybe I'm overreacting because I'm 30?

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 12:52

jewishmum · 04/10/2022 12:51

He told his friend that he had sex with you? Omg. He sounds like a teenager. Maybe I'm overreacting because I'm 30?

You’re not overreacting, we’re in our 30s too.

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LuckyLil · 04/10/2022 12:55

To me it sounds more like he can’t believe you’d want to be with someone like him? Like he thinks he’s punching above his weight?

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WhileAFoxIsWatching · 04/10/2022 12:58

I've had similar words from a couple of guys. Both were very insecure. One was nice, the other wasn't. In both cases they ended the relationship. Couldn't commit cos they wanted or needed a different sort of woman.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 13:01

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 04/10/2022 12:58

I've had similar words from a couple of guys. Both were very insecure. One was nice, the other wasn't. In both cases they ended the relationship. Couldn't commit cos they wanted or needed a different sort of woman.

He is definitely insecure.

We actually became “official” very quickly after meeting (through our hobby) and he asked me to be his girlfriend weeks before we slept together. So I don’t know whether that’s a red flag or not.

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WhileAFoxIsWatching · 04/10/2022 13:05

Sadly IME a lot of them like to have a trophy, whether they are nice or nasty. I think my 'nice' one was encouraged to have sex with me on our eighth date by his friend who is a church verger!

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Stravaig · 04/10/2022 13:10

Is he very sexually inexperienced or could he have been a virgin, OP?

(I still think the why doesn't matter, and you should listen to your weird/objectified feeling.)

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Dweetfidilove · 04/10/2022 13:19

If he thinks you're out of his league, you likely are. At least whilst he's nursing that inferiority complex ☹️

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HollyJollyXmas57 · 04/10/2022 13:21

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

I also thought this.

I’d take it to mean you weren't his usual type and there’s something different to you then what he normally goes for so he’s impressed with himself.

Sounds like a put down to me but it’s hard to know without knowing the tone of his voice and the full convo.

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2bazookas · 04/10/2022 13:24

If you're a trophy-fuck, he'll be boasting about his conquest to his pals.

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TimeforZeroes · 04/10/2022 13:27

I am almost certain he’s going to take photos of you when you’re asleep.

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Mythril · 04/10/2022 13:28

When DH and I started dating he told me he felt he was punching above his weight (referring to looks). He didn't make it sound quite so objectifying though! And he is a great guy in general.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to probe him on that comment.

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Stravaig · 04/10/2022 13:30

Or he is fetishing something about you that is different in his eyes, like beauty, skin colour, body shape.

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Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 04/10/2022 13:34

I think it indicates some insecurity or low self-worth because it reveals he sees some hire by between you - you’re more attractive than he feels he deserves.

I don’t think it’s a flag in itself, but it’s just something to be aware of. Next questions in my mind would be whether he’s aware he has some insecurities and how does he respond to that within with himself and with you. Is he compassionate and understanding with himself, does he own when he makes mistakes? Also how would he respond when you told him how you felt when he said what he said? Does he listen to you and care about how you feel, does he understand why it came across a bit weird to you? Does he have the capacity to reflect on what his words reveal about himself?

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Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 04/10/2022 13:34
  • he perceives some hierarchy between you
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Sirius3030 · 04/10/2022 13:35

TimeforZeroes · 04/10/2022 13:27

I am almost certain he’s going to take photos of you when you’re asleep.

I’m almost certain that he is not going to do this. FFS.

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beastlyslumber · 04/10/2022 13:36

He said it wasn't about you, and he was impressed with himself. So what are you, just a prop to make him feel good?

As pp said, it's objectifying.

I wouldn't like this, OP. I know some on here would interpret that as a compliment, but they're having to do a lot of mental acrobatics to make it work! I also thought it was an insult at first - and in a way it is, because he's dehumanising you. But maybe also setting you up for some subtle negging.

Honestly, I would throw this one back. But if you think that's a bit harsh, you could try asking him what he meant, let him know it's been playing on your mind, and see how he responds. But it's a red flag to me.

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LuciaPopp · 04/10/2022 13:40

Really weird.

Reminds me of the joke about a man who gets washed up on a desert island following a shipwreck. Looking out to sea he spots one other survivor, whom he helps to shore. Having rescued her, he's amazed to see it's Cindy Crawford (showing my age here, replace with current supermodel of your choice). He nurses Cindy back to health and in the end they fall in love, start a relationship and have incredible sex all over the island. But something is not quite right. He spends days wondering what's missing, what is that vital something? Everything should be so good but it's like part of the jigsaw just isn't there.

In the end he says to Cindy, "look, you're great and everything but it just feels like there's something missing. This is going to sound weird but would you mind dressing up for me? Put on my trousers and shirt. Use this mud to draw on a beard. Now, you walk that way round the island and I'll walk this way round and when we meet on the other side, it will be amazing"

So Cindy is bemused but she does what he asks, gets dressed up, walks round the island where she meets the man coming the other way. He takes one look at her and says, "oi mate, you'll never guess whom I'm shagging."

Anyway, I can completely see why you find it objectifying and strange. One clumsy comment- fine. If he makes a habit of it, I'd probably be rethinking things.

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Autumnisclose · 04/10/2022 13:46

Is this basically a not so subtle brag OP? Ooh my new boyfriend thinks I am too hot for him. Woe is me , how do I deal with this?

I mean, seriously. He sounds like a teenager and about as attractive as a wet fish. But whatever floats your boat.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 13:56

Autumnisclose · 04/10/2022 13:46

Is this basically a not so subtle brag OP? Ooh my new boyfriend thinks I am too hot for him. Woe is me , how do I deal with this?

I mean, seriously. He sounds like a teenager and about as attractive as a wet fish. But whatever floats your boat.

Yes, I often post on anonymous forums for validation. I do have a boyfriend, but I much prefer strangers to tell me a comment that made me feel objectified was actually him saying I was too hot for him (despite him saying it had nothing to do with me).

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VioletInsolence · 04/10/2022 13:56

I’d give him a chance. Even the nicest, most respectful men say things like this even if they adore everything about you and if they don’t say it, it’s what they’re thinking. He might not even be talking about just your looks. Even so, if you’re very good looking I doubt you will ever avoid comments like this. I wouldn’t see it as a compliment because I get sick of men commenting on my looks and would rather have them say I’m funny or intelligent, but I wouldn’t leave him if I was generally happy.

I know it’s annoying, but honestly, if you leave a man for every clumsy comment, then you’ll never have a relationship.

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PeekabooAtTheZoo · 04/10/2022 13:59

It's not a compliment, it's skeevy, and he sounds like a narcissist or at least someone who is deeply ego-driven with self esteem issues.
The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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Autumnisclose · 04/10/2022 14:01

It is about you though. He basically said he's punching above his weight. It seems clear as day to me but perhaps I'm missing something

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Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 04/10/2022 14:01

Odd thing to say, but I think it was meant as a compliment.

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