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AIBU?

“It’s not really about you, I’m impressed with myself that I could sleep with someone like you”

179 replies

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:25

Said to me by a new boyfriend a week after sleeping together for the first time (after dating for 4 months!). We waited a while because we were really getting to know each other, I find him very respectful and we have a lot in common.

We were talking on the phone and he said something along the lines of “i couldn’t believe it in the morning, it was like a dream”.

I thought he was complimenting me so I just replied jokingly like “well, I do have that effect on people”

He then said, with dead seriousness “no it’s not really about you, it’s more I’m impressed with myself for being able to sleep with someone like you and wake up next to them”

AIBU to think this is a totally weird thing to say to someone?

He’s a very respectful person, and the sex wasn’t objectifying at all. I just don’t know why but it’s made me feel really weird and objectified but I have no idea why…

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Am I being unreasonable?

511 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
24%
You are NOT being unreasonable
76%
Puppers · 04/10/2022 15:47

HeckyPeck · 04/10/2022 14:05

It comes across in a similar vein to negging to me.

Sex last night was great.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Well it's not about you. You didn't do anything special. It's about the fact that I bagged a hot chick. Go me!

Gross.

I agree with this.

He sees your looks as a personal achievement for him (i.e. “it’s not about you”) and wants to crow about how he’s the man for pulling you, having stayed the course and put in the legwork for 4 months so it really does feel like an achievement.

PPs who don’t recognise this behaviour and can’t possibly imagine a man would behave like this are either lucky or haven’t done much dating. You don’t get to call people names like negative or paranoid just because someone’s lived experience leads them to a different conclusion than yours does.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 15:54

altmember · 04/10/2022 15:29

When I read the title it did initially sound like he was saying he'd lowered himself to sleep with you - I was expecting that to be a message as you were being dumped. But clearly he wasn't trying to offend you, seems more like a self depreciating comment, just that he was really clumsy with words.

And I think the "it's not really about you remark", was in response to you saying that "you do have that effect on people". He took you very literally, and was trying to say that he didn't feel like you'd lured him into it!

I'd be wondering if he's ND? Or really immature, could imagine it from an 18-20 year old, but does sound odd coming from a bloke in his 30's. Are these kind of comments/conversations out of character for him? Would've thought you'd noticed other things in the preceding 4 months.

He’s not immature, he’s a really really nice person.

He is very gentleman-y romantic, idk if that’s the right word, but very very expressive with his feelings, lots of nice messages throughout the day, thinks a man should “look after” his partner so will always pay for everything, organise things…

Im more jaded I think. I do have feelings for him, and I find him a gorgeous person to be around, I think we are very well suited intellectually and have amazing chemistry. I’ve never felt like this about someone before.

Maybe that’s why I don’t understand the comment? Because it’s just him being his usual complimentary self and I’m just overanalysing to find a reason to distrust.

Ive never been upset or questioned anything before this comment.

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AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2022 16:00

I think I agree with a PP above that it's a 'yellow flag'.

It could be that he just phrased awkwardly that he thought he was a lucky man to be with you. We've been married over 35 years and my DH will still occasionally say something similar to me and all it means to me is that he still thinks I'm pretty special to him.

But the 'It's not about you, I'm impressed with myself' part of it would have me a bit 'hmm' if I thought he meant that in a serious way, as if you were a goal to be conquered or that the sex was more about 'him' than about 'us' IYSWIM.

Up to you whether or not you want to delve into it with him at this point. If it were me, I think I'd file it away in the back of my brain for now and watch for any other signs that perhaps he's not all you may think he is.

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1234TellMeWhatYouLookinFor · 04/10/2022 16:04

BiG Red Flag!! He's love bombing you. This is a slip of his mask. Take it seriously.
My stbx used to say similar things nearly 20 years ago when we first started going out. It made me feel weird, but didn't have a clue because he was so lovely and attentive otherwise..

I have been severely abused phychologically throughout this long relationship. My worth diminished to a sexual object and a show doll. Not allowed to age normally, put on weight or pursue interests that don't suit the image. Its all about the image. The kids would fully fall into this abuse too if i wasnt here to fight their corner.

If you dont want to just leave, please please keep your eyes and ears open for other flags. They are there.
And look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. Her Channel has helped me immensely.

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beastlyslumber · 04/10/2022 16:08

Yep, OP, this is a love bomb situation and his mask dropped when he admitted "it's not really about you." It's about him, him being impressed with himself and impressing his mates. Him, getting to be all cool and in control.

It's so hard to see it when you're the one being love bombed. But take a big step back from him and see what happens.

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TimeforZeroes · 04/10/2022 16:21

Unclench @Sirius3030, it was lighthearted.

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mrsjohnnylawrence · 04/10/2022 16:43

If you were close enough to sleep together you're close enough to talk openly about sleeping together.

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Doowop1919 · 04/10/2022 16:44

I can understand why you're uncomfortable with what he said. It's very odd him saying "it's not about you". You say he's lovely / nice / respectful / mature. If it were me, I'd just talk to him next time I saw him about that comment if it were still bothering me. Communication is important and it can help to know if he's able to discuss things like this and things that he's done that have bothered you.

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SammyScrounge · 04/10/2022 16:55

He sees you as a trophy because you are a bit out of his league.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 17:12

1234TellMeWhatYouLookinFor · 04/10/2022 16:04

BiG Red Flag!! He's love bombing you. This is a slip of his mask. Take it seriously.
My stbx used to say similar things nearly 20 years ago when we first started going out. It made me feel weird, but didn't have a clue because he was so lovely and attentive otherwise..

I have been severely abused phychologically throughout this long relationship. My worth diminished to a sexual object and a show doll. Not allowed to age normally, put on weight or pursue interests that don't suit the image. Its all about the image. The kids would fully fall into this abuse too if i wasnt here to fight their corner.

If you dont want to just leave, please please keep your eyes and ears open for other flags. They are there.
And look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. Her Channel has helped me immensely.

Sorry you’ve had such a tough time Sad

Your comment stood out to me. He does seem to glorify (I don’t know if that’s the right word) and constantly compliment a certain aspect of my appearance and constantly belittles people who have the opposite of it. It has got me slightly preoccupied with it. He’s never said anything negative about my appearance but I know he loves this one thing and I feel like if it changes He might not find me attractive anymore

I looked at the YouTube channel. I don’t think he is a narcissist. He’s very introverted & very shy.

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CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 04/10/2022 17:27

But covert narcissists are the worst, harder to spot and very damaging because people believe him not you.
Not saying he is that, but just because he's not obvious about it doesn't mean he isn't either.

Belittling other people who don't have this thing he likes about you is a red flag to me. The ick is strong. Who needs to belittle other people? Who needs to bring other people down at all!? That's the real question.

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Bringonthebloodydrama · 04/10/2022 17:45

He belittles other people?

Yeah, he sounds like a dick.

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MarshaBradyo · 04/10/2022 17:48

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 15:54

He’s not immature, he’s a really really nice person.

He is very gentleman-y romantic, idk if that’s the right word, but very very expressive with his feelings, lots of nice messages throughout the day, thinks a man should “look after” his partner so will always pay for everything, organise things…

Im more jaded I think. I do have feelings for him, and I find him a gorgeous person to be around, I think we are very well suited intellectually and have amazing chemistry. I’ve never felt like this about someone before.

Maybe that’s why I don’t understand the comment? Because it’s just him being his usual complimentary self and I’m just overanalysing to find a reason to distrust.

Ive never been upset or questioned anything before this comment.

The comment is strange as it implies he thinks you’re out of his league

Have your friends met him, what do they think?

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Stravaig · 04/10/2022 17:50

I'd have backed off as soon as I felt weird and objectified. But he also casually belittles people who don't have this feature of yours which he fetishises. Why on earth would you be dating someone so unpleasant? Is it okay behaviour just because it's not aimed at you? Not yet.

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MushMonster · 04/10/2022 17:57

He told his best friend...... I do not like this a bit.
Why does he need to tell anybody? This is between you and him, not to be shared with anyone else and brag about it. You are not a new car.

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TabithaTittlemouse · 04/10/2022 18:02

If he’s otherwise lovely I would probably try not to focus on this. It’s odd but if it’s the first bizarre thing I would put it to one side.
Maybe he just had a complete brain fart.

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UWhatNow · 04/10/2022 18:03

The ‘it’s not about you’ says it all. It’s about him and his ego.

If he cared about you it would be a shared excitement about this development in your relationship but he’s only interested in himself. He demonstrated no empathy for you after that intimate moment. He’s a misogynist prick who doesn’t see you as a real person. Can’t believe the amount of posters here who think that’s a compliment.

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Arnaquer · 04/10/2022 18:04

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

That's how I interpreted it too. I'd have kicked him out straight away.

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AlternativelyWired · 04/10/2022 18:05

Ive heard some things in my life from men that surprise me but that possibly beats all. I'd never open my phone to his messages let alone my legs to his dick.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:09

Arnaquer · 04/10/2022 18:04

That's how I interpreted it too. I'd have kicked him out straight away.

I find it hard to believe he’s complimented me, dated me, invested a lot of time in me for 4 months and now somehow thinks he’s lowered himself to sleep with me. Not only that, but continues to lower himself as we continue to sleep together. He thinks that little of me, that he’s let me met his family and friends??

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Arnaquer · 04/10/2022 18:11

Well you were there! I'm just interpreting how it reads in the page.
Written down it reads like he normally sleeps with women based on their looks and now he's pleased because he's not basing the relationship in looks but the person and that he's pleased with himself for not being so shallow.
Probably best you ask him and not us 🤷‍♀️

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waterwitch · 04/10/2022 18:14

Haven’t read the whole thread, but really OP, I do think he meant it as a compliment. We don’t always phrase everything as perfectly as we might like. He’s shown you who he is, and it’s good. Stop overthinking & enjoy!

BUT if he does/says other stuff that makes you uncomfortable…. that’s different. Trust your instincts

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:15

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 04/10/2022 17:27

But covert narcissists are the worst, harder to spot and very damaging because people believe him not you.
Not saying he is that, but just because he's not obvious about it doesn't mean he isn't either.

Belittling other people who don't have this thing he likes about you is a red flag to me. The ick is strong. Who needs to belittle other people? Who needs to bring other people down at all!? That's the real question.

I’ve never heard of covert narcissists…

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Iusyje · 04/10/2022 18:20

Appleblum · 04/10/2022 11:37

Eh? Some people actually think it's a compliment? I thought it sounded like he was putting you down, like he could actually lower himself to sleep with someone like you...

Either way it's weird.

That's how it sounds to me too. Which if true, would be sooooo.... rude.

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PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 18:25

The context was he started describing the sex we had & saying he kept thinking about it. He then did usual male compliments about my body/how I looked during sex. I reciprocated this. He then said “it was a real dream moment to wake up next to you” or something to that effect. Then he said the impressed comment.

It doesn’t seem to me like he lowered himself or perceived me as being below him.

His brother said he was “punching” at his sisters wedding, and boyfriend laughed as said “obviously”.

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