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AIBU?

“It’s not really about you, I’m impressed with myself that I could sleep with someone like you”

179 replies

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 11:25

Said to me by a new boyfriend a week after sleeping together for the first time (after dating for 4 months!). We waited a while because we were really getting to know each other, I find him very respectful and we have a lot in common.

We were talking on the phone and he said something along the lines of “i couldn’t believe it in the morning, it was like a dream”.

I thought he was complimenting me so I just replied jokingly like “well, I do have that effect on people”

He then said, with dead seriousness “no it’s not really about you, it’s more I’m impressed with myself for being able to sleep with someone like you and wake up next to them”

AIBU to think this is a totally weird thing to say to someone?

He’s a very respectful person, and the sex wasn’t objectifying at all. I just don’t know why but it’s made me feel really weird and objectified but I have no idea why…

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

511 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
24%
You are NOT being unreasonable
76%
WhileAFoxIsWatching · 05/10/2022 02:04

If he is a) insecure b) obsessed with your 'status' in looks/job, then he might at some point start resenting you. Depends how he feels about his own status.

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1234TellMeWhatYouLookinFor · 05/10/2022 06:14

@altmember i have to strongly disagree. Its not 'made up'. Its very very real, and i hope you never have to come accross one. They can fake empathy successfully, but they dont really feel it.

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LDN1 · 05/10/2022 06:31

He thinks you're out of his league. Simple as that. But not very smooth to be patting himself on the back like that.

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Tillsforthrills · 05/10/2022 06:32

It sounds like he’s saying you’re out of his league and he never dreamed of being able to bag someone like you. Or that’s what he meant. He feels like he’s achieved something.

Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, time will tell. “It’s not about you” in that this is about him feeling proud of himself.

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ChrisTrepidation · 05/10/2022 06:39

So he fetishes a certain part of your body and speaks badly about women who dont have it?

He's not a lovely guy. Lovely guys do not belittle women. That's a red flag before you even get to his very icky comment.

From what you have said his feelings for you are all tied up in how you look and his perceived status of your career. Be very wary of hitching your wagon to a guy like that. What if you get ill and can't work? What if you have a baby and your lovely body doesn't look the same as it did before? Will your value in his eyes then drop because you are less 'perfect'?

He doesn't sound like a nice guy to me. He sounds like someone masquerading as a nice guy to suck you in.

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ChrisTrepidation · 05/10/2022 06:43

You feel uncomfortable for a reason. Your gut is trying to tell you something so listen to it.

As women we are conditioned by society to let it go, think we are being 'over sensitive' etc. Do not let your very correct instincts be overriden.

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J0y · 05/10/2022 06:46

Regularsizedrudy · 04/10/2022 11:32

Yeah saying to someone you’ve slept with “it’s not about you” is really fucking weird. It’s like he doesn’t actually realise you’re a person /he can only view things in terms of how they affect HIM

I agree with this. How can sleeping with you not be about you. Very odd.
If he's with you because you're the most out of his league person he can "get," u will always be a stranger to him.

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J0y · 05/10/2022 07:09

@altmember what nonsense.

They are more commonly referred to as vulnerable or fragile narcissists but they exist. Narcissism is a collection of defence mechanisms such as repression, projection, disassociation, denial, sublimation, .... amongst others.

Fragile narcissists have empathy and can feel it and show it so long as the person is no threat to them If the person is a threat to the narc because of their polarised thinking, that person will instantly become an enemy and the narc will feel they're the victim so empathy doesn't come in to it for them. They're operating out of their stress response, FIGHT! How do you fight covertly. Silent treatments. Stonewalling, controlling the narrative with smear campaigns, Seizing the role of martyr. An overly hurt reaction to something quite minor. Casting the other person in the role of aggressor. Manipulating the social dynamics to exclude the person they feel threatened by.


This is in response to @altmember not @PeakyShiner

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MeridaBrave · 06/10/2022 21:56

It’s bit objectifying however I think it’s a compliment. I think ok to tell him why it was a weird thing to say.

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MamaBearof4 · 06/10/2022 22:06

I really think you need to talk to him about this, he's told his mate, you've told the Internet, now talk to each other. I think it's one of those comments that you're supposed to keep to yourself and he went and said it. Out loud.
How does he talk about his job, his hobbies? Has he dated a lot previously? Married at all?
If you like him, talk to him.

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ChelseaRobertsofMalibu · 06/10/2022 22:09

I think it’s an insult. He thinks so highly of himself that he’s so shocked he was ‘able’ to sleep with “someone like you”

Arsehole. LTB. Quick

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Harry12345 · 06/10/2022 22:13

I think he was probably hoping you’d say something similar back and when you didn’t his self esteem was affected so he said that comment about it not being about you. Either way he’s a bit of a dick

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Jasm1ne0108 · 06/10/2022 22:29

This. What he said to you would not be said by a man that respected you. Would you say that to someone you’d waited for four months to sleep with? This is a man with issues. If it makes you feel weird and objectified, I’d get rid.

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MsRosley · 06/10/2022 22:43

Honestly, he sounds nice enough. It was a clumsy, but probably well meant, comment. Try not to read too much into it, OP!

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MsRosley · 06/10/2022 22:46

PeakyShiner · 04/10/2022 20:22

Belittle was a stupid word to use. But he does comment on women’s appearance. He finds the current aesthetic being pushed on SM as being very unattractive and says it makes people look like Bratz dolls/it’s a form of self sabotage to get implants/butt lifts etc

He's right.

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youngwildandni · 06/10/2022 22:48

I haven’t read all the replies to this so I don’t know if there have been any updates.

Everyone’s different and everyone interprets/ reads into things differently, I guess. Personally I think it’s a very clumsy and maybe ill thought out way of telling you he’s happy you got together… it probably sounded to him like it was a compliment? Yes, if you unpick it it’s not the best way of saying it. But he probably didn’t unpick it like lots of people here are!

I’ve said plenty of things before that sounded ok in my head but didn’t translate well at all. I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t. If I was you I’d give him the benefit of the doubt this time but if anything like this happens again then ask for clarification or tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and WHY. From reading some of the responses on here I feel sorry for the poor guy!

Also, for those people berating him for telling his friend - come on! Most of us here would probably call or text our mates if we’d slept with someone we’d been seeing for a while and nobody would think anything of it. How come it’s ok for girls to do that, but when a man does it all of a sudden it’s disrespectful?!

If you were uncomfortable enough about it that you’ve felt the need to write this post, you should really have said something to him at the time, or since. What are you hoping to achieve?

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catandcoffee · 06/10/2022 22:50

My husband also comments on duck lips,boob jobs,bum jobs,fake everything and I agree with him.

Are you more natural OP and he is attracted to that type.

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youngwildandni · 06/10/2022 22:51

You can read it either way though. That he thinks so much of himself that we was ‘shocked’ he could sleep with ‘someone like you’ (negative) or he thinks she is such a lovely and attractive person that he was shocked he was able to attract someone like that to sleep with him? We don’t know the tone of how it was said so let’s not jump to conclusions!

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MarianneOnAMotorcycle · 06/10/2022 22:52

Sounds like he has put you on a pedestal. If you want it to be long term that could be a problem...

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justasmalltownmum · 06/10/2022 22:54

Motherland2624 · 04/10/2022 11:28

I think it’s a compliment
he thinks he is out of your league

This

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youngwildandni · 06/10/2022 23:08

noirchatsdeux · 04/10/2022 18:30

I take it you have big tits and he insults women who don't?
And made a comment about not ever expecting to get a page 3 type of girl into bed?
Even if I'm wrong, the comment and telling his friend he'd shagged you makes him sound as shallow as a puddle.

Why would you assume this? Comments like this say a lot more about you than about him!

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Foronenightonly22 · 06/10/2022 23:17

I think it’s a really cack handed compliment. He was trying to say that he really can’t believe his luck.

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MrsRonaldWeasley · 07/10/2022 00:24

I think you need to speak to him and tell him how his comment made you feel… how he reacts to that will tell you a lot about him. Good luck OP.

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Canthave2manycats · 07/10/2022 00:54

Give the poor bugger a chance!! Sounds like he is really into you but isn't the best at expressing it!!

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CactusBlossom · 07/10/2022 01:12

So he says "it's not really about you" — sounds to me like he is the centre of his universe and he thinks you were lucky to have played a part. I would give him the elbow. He should be seeing you as the focus, not himself. Telling his friend? Well, he can tell his friend he’s been dumped now.

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