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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
74%
You are NOT being unreasonable
26%
M0rT · 03/10/2022 18:12

From what you have posted I think you are right to keep your distance.
Sometimes in a group a dynamic is formed where some people are expected to accept criticism and less effort then others and it rarely changes once it is set.
If you can look back over your friendship with these women and see that is what has happened here then leave it.
Enjoy planning your wedding and try to make some new friends this year.

Midnights · 03/10/2022 18:13

I was slightly on your side until the last paragraph.

Your last paragraph sounds uncaring and tbh totally wrong (she's had an ovary removed, she might really struggle to conceive, she's had a major operation and a cyst removed - probably a cancer scare too). I think reaching out would be a nice thing to do in this situation, is a bad present really worth this?

Honestly I don't understand engagement gifts, but if it's something your group does then that's your thing. I'd be slightly upset if it felt thoughtless, but tbh I would just mentioned it and move on? People mess up sometimes!

dirtyasadustpanlid · 03/10/2022 18:15

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WomanStanleyWoman2 · 03/10/2022 18:17

At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again.

Why does she think you need an invitation? If you want to contact J, do it - you don’t need anyone else’s permission.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/10/2022 18:17

Let them go.

They've told you what they think of you yet, had the audacity to tell you to move your wedding.

I think you're not in a friendship group anymore.

AsAnyFuleKno · 03/10/2022 18:18

I can understand why you're hurt - not so much about the value of the gift but the thoughtlessness of it (I assume you have a nut allergy or similar) but I think your attitude to the friend who is ill is unfairly harsh.

I had an ovarian cyst and it's agony, and having ovaries removed is not an easy operation. If she is planning to conceive, she is likely very worried for her future chances.

I think you should contact her and build bridges. You don't have to invest deeply in this friendship group as a whole, but be there for someone who is going through a difficult time.

Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 18:18

I wouldn’t bin off my friends due to a gift I thought was crappy. Yeah I can understand you feeling a bit put out but cost of living crisis means people might feel differently right now about spending money on gifts. NYE might not be the best timing for friends, Christmas, and wedding gifts that they haven’t budgeted for. Not to mention wedding outfits etc.

If one of my friends had something major going on I’d be thinking twice if I really wanted no more contact due to a gift. Doesnt sound like that’s the case for you, just more about how it might look to others.

willithappen · 03/10/2022 18:18

How big of a wedding are you having? It probably does seem a lot to them, especially if they have loads of other things this year already. I know I'd be stressed if another wedding got added on to the list of ones already postponed.
I don't think any of you are being unreasonable with your responses there. It's fair of them to feel that way and contribute what they can (assuming they were going to also chip in for wedding gift) and it's fair for you to feel a bit down about it. It's a stressful thing planning a wedding, let alone quickly and this stress can also be added to those closest.

I do think you are being completely unreasonable to not contact the friend going through this. Just because 'she can conceive with one' doesn't downplay what she's going through at all and I think you will possibly regret not being there

However, on the other hand if you feel this way and can not be there for a friend through a difficult time then I don't know how much of friends you considered them in the first place

Hbh17 · 03/10/2022 18:18

Are engagement presents actually a thing?!

c24680 · 03/10/2022 18:19

I understand you being disappointment however, I wouldn't throw a friendship away over an engagement gift, I get what they're saying with the timing, Christmas is an expensive time of the year then add a wedding into the mix, cost of living is rising, everyone has different financial responsibilities etc.

I would reach out, make up and carry on, there may come a time in your life where you need a friend and you have pushed them all away.

Glitterspy · 03/10/2022 18:19

They have been taken aback by your announcement. If I’d got a wedding planned and then one of my best friends wedged hers in 5 weeks before my date, I’d be pissed off too. Is NYE a big deal in this group of friends? Why are they being so wary of committing on that night?

As for the gift, yes maybe it’s a bit shabby but calling unfair and complaining about it is very unreasonable and kind of childish.

icelollycraving · 03/10/2022 18:20

The gift sounded a bit random and thoughtless. I think just accept a gift, people will rarely enjoy feedback saying it was a bit shit and cheap.
New Year’s Eve will have divided opinion, some will love a big do and will enjoy it. Some will feel irritated that their NY has been decided for them.
I would send a messsge personally, you don’t have to open the line of communication but if you don’t, it’s curtains. They were presumably close to you for some time. It wouldn’t kill you to send a card to say sorry to hear you’ve been unwell. It doesn’t require a reply like a text but it shows you to not be a shitty person (imho).

BloodAndFire · 03/10/2022 18:20

Call off the engagement and the wedding.

Make new friends who are richer and/or more materialistic.

Get engaged again.

Get more presents.

No possible downside. 👍

ChocolateCakeYum · 03/10/2022 18:21

I think you’re all as bad as each other. None of you seem to be all that caring (them in you with the crap thoughtless gift and you in them with your ability to shrug off someone’s serious, and possibly life threatening, medical ailment). Best off apart really.

Amijustagrump · 03/10/2022 18:22

YABU you squeezed a wedding in just before your friends, chose an inconvenient date, had a strop about a present and are now ditching a friend who needs you.

It's a wedding, you all sound like you need to grow up

Glitterspy · 03/10/2022 18:22

Oh and yes you should for sure text the friend with the ovarian cyst, but that doesn’t mean you have to have them all at the wedding.

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 18:23

Bloody hell! Every single word that you’ve written makes you sound awful!
How can someone be so unaware of themselves?

I really hope your ‘friends’ see this.

TedMullins · 03/10/2022 18:24

No I don’t think you’re unreasonable. If they’re not good friends and you don’t want them in your life anymore why would you suddenly care just because she had an ovary removed? Not your friend = not your problem any more.

I think expecting any engagement gifts is bonkers and grabby, btw, but the fact they made a significant effort for others in the group and not you is hurtful. I’d ignore the messages and get on with your life.

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:24

To be honest the engagement gift was the straw that broke the camels back. I think their whole attitude amd comments about our wedding is what's really bothered me. We didn't have an engagement party as I don't really see the point in them and really I don't bother about engagement gifts either. But I think to treat one friend different from the other is not really fair.

I do feel sorry for the girl who's having to have an op which is why I'm in 2 minds whether to contact her. I wouldn't want to restart the friendship though. After taking a step back and thinking about things she really wasn't a great friend and had some toxic traits. I wish her no ill. Would reaching out send the wrong message that I want to be friends again? What would be the best way to go about this?

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 03/10/2022 18:24

You sound hard work to me to be honest.
Youre engaged! You don’t mention your fiancé much. It’s not about your friends weddings or their feelings towards your wedding… it’s about you & your fiancé, making a big commitment to each other.

I don’t think your friends have done anything wrong- I feel you have very high expectations which they aren’t meeting. It’s all a bit dramatic imo. I’d just be happy that you’re marrying someone you love, and you’ve got friends who have sent you some nice gifts. What exactly are you expecting? I would think you will be disappointed by your wedding, your fiancé, your hen do… I think you have unrealistic expectations. Forget them and focus on the important bits - you and your fiancé!! Congratulations xox

OneFrenchEgg · 03/10/2022 18:24

Do you want to be friends with them?
Sometimes there's a huge relief in letting go of people.
She's not dying; she's not contacted you herself - it sounds very playground. Only get in touch if you want to reignite the friendship but it sounds like only some members of this group are allowed a fuss and some drama and special treatment...

LividLaVidaLoca · 03/10/2022 18:25

Christ alive. Are you all only just out of your teens?

Check your priorities on just about everything.

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 18:26

I do feel sorry for the girl who's having to have an op which is why I'm in 2 minds whether to contact her. I wouldn't want to restart the friendship though. After taking a step back and thinking about things she really wasn't a great friend and had some toxic traits. I wish her no ill. Would reaching out send the wrong message that I want to be friends again? What would be the best way to go about this?

Don’t contact her, that’s the last thing she needs.

YouAreNotBatman · 03/10/2022 18:27

Unbelievable behaviour on your part op!
Jesus!
How many gifts / parties do you need?

It’s just an engagement and wedding, peope do it everyday.

I didn’t even know people had to buy getting engaged gifts!

YABVU!

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