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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
74%
You are NOT being unreasonable
26%
PCPrincipless · 03/10/2022 18:41

Glitterspy · 03/10/2022 18:19

They have been taken aback by your announcement. If I’d got a wedding planned and then one of my best friends wedged hers in 5 weeks before my date, I’d be pissed off too. Is NYE a big deal in this group of friends? Why are they being so wary of committing on that night?

As for the gift, yes maybe it’s a bit shabby but calling unfair and complaining about it is very unreasonable and kind of childish.

I think it's this. They're now required to fork out for another engagement present/hen do/wedding super close to - in fact before - another one that they'd budgeted for.

I'd struggle with this financially. We declined a wedding invite this year because it was 2 weeks after one and 2 months before another we'd already committed to.

Quick weddings are hard to financially plan for.

And as per PP's I think you're a bitch for your final comment re your friend needing surgery. Your engagement present wasn't as good as someone else's so you're ditching a friend when something actually important health wise is happening.

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SleeplessInEngland · 03/10/2022 18:41

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PCPrincipless · 03/10/2022 18:42

And NYE is an inconvenient date if you're only booking it that year, lots of people will already have plans.

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Hankunamatata · 03/10/2022 18:44

So ypir basically annoyed that ypir friends weren't falling over themselves when you announced a new year wedding.
Do u think the group think you upstaged your friend by booking your wedding 5 weeks before hers? Nevermind the cost of 2 close weddings

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phishy · 03/10/2022 18:45

YANBU, sounds like you were the stooge in the group and they don’t like that you have seen through them.

Would reaching out send the wrong message that I want to be friends again? What would be the best way to go about this?

You could send a message to the girl with the cyst that doesn’t ask any questions, something like:

’Hi J, long time no speak, I hope you’ve been keeping well. I was very sorry to hear from x about your ovarian cyst but I’m so glad that it will be removed soon and that it will not have any repercussions (touch wood). I wish you a speedy treatment and recovery. Take care of yourself and all the best, MrsMcT.’

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KimmySchmitt · 03/10/2022 18:46

TedMullins · 03/10/2022 18:24

No I don’t think you’re unreasonable. If they’re not good friends and you don’t want them in your life anymore why would you suddenly care just because she had an ovary removed? Not your friend = not your problem any more.

I think expecting any engagement gifts is bonkers and grabby, btw, but the fact they made a significant effort for others in the group and not you is hurtful. I’d ignore the messages and get on with your life.

I think overall people are being too harsh on OP and agree with @TedMullins . It doesn't really seem like it's about the gift, it's about the thoughtlessness and inequality.

A NYE wedding probably wasn't the best idea. It was a bit thoughtless of you to book a wedding right before your friend's - could be seen as trying to steal her thunder. Ultimately it sounds like the friendships have run their course - let it go, and don't be guilt-tripped into contacting someone. You're no longer friends and it sounds like she's made that clear prior to her illness.

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andtheweedonkey · 03/10/2022 18:47

What sort of "friend" tells you to move your wedding?

You're much better off without these people in your life, OP.

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ArcaneWireless · 03/10/2022 18:47

For me, if you had to be asked to contact your friend after her op rather than doing it automatically out of concern, then I’d say don’t bother.

It doesn’t sound as though your friendship is true.

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Daisychainsx · 03/10/2022 18:48

I can understand your disappointment, but also understand that times are tough. Maybe no gift but a bit more enthusiasm would have been better? When I got engaged I expected nothing from anyone and was amazed by even the smallest gesture from people!

Don't bin your friends over something so small, just put in a bit less effort so you won't be as disappointed when your huge efforts aren't returned.

Text your friend, say you've heard what she's going through and you're there if she needs you. If they don't go to your wedding then so be it, see them as acquaintances and nothing more.

I can understand your friend who is getting married 5 weeks after you being a bit miffed that you jumped in ahead of her. It's all extremely petty and personally I couldn't be arsed with any of it, but maybe they're all a bit pissed about it?

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HuntingoftheSnark · 03/10/2022 18:48

I would send your friend a card, with a nice message to say you're thinking of her. Nothing else. A card doesn't require a response or acknowledgment but is a nice gesture.

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ZenNudist · 03/10/2022 18:49

Don't contact her. They sound like frenemies you sometimes get in your 20s. Throw yourself into making new friends.

You've not behaved well here. You've shoe horned your wedding in 5 weeks before a so called good friend. They were right to say you'd struggle to get a venue/celebrant/photographer/ cake/dress. All these things need planning.

Still having managed it then that's great.

The NYE date is problematic. It's hijacking the Christmas period. I'd need over a year notice for that.

Also I get that the gift was thoughtless and a slap in the face if you've all made an effort in the past for engagement gifts but it's lacking in all class to say anything.

So you're all as bad as each other.youve probably been the worst but they don't sound worth keeping.

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Summerfun54321 · 03/10/2022 18:50

So you’ve blindsided them all with a short notice wedding only 5 weeks before another friend’s wedding AND around NYE when everyone will already have plans. You’ve thrown your toys out of your pram at your gift (that they gave you despite your totally inconsiderate wedding date) then had to be asked to contact a friend who needs support because you ghosted them all over your wedding tantrum? Just leave them all be for their sake.

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fruitstick · 03/10/2022 18:50

I agree I'd be hurt about the gift.

But also I wouldn't plan a wedding a) on New Year's Eve and b) 5 weeks before my friend's.

I can understand why they are annoyed and have probably all been talking to each other about it, hence the lack of enthusiasm on their part.

Lots of people have longstanding arrangements for NYE (always spend it with same friends etc). I find NYE emotionally very difficult and wouldn't want to spend it at a wedding.

Also are you inviting anyone with children? Are the children invited? I'd expect lots of people will decline the invite because you can't get a babysitter.

I know it's organised now, but I do think organising a wedding on NYE when there's a cost of living crisis, 5 weeks before your friend's, shows a startling lack of empathy for the people around you.

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NalaNana · 03/10/2022 18:50

You lost your 7 closest friends because you weren't impressed with a gift even though you don't really care about engagement parties/gifts? Maybe they knew you weren't really that bothered about all that? Or maybe they were just busy? I feel like because your engagement is so special to you (as it should be!) you think it should be special to everyone and to be honest, two of them have their own weddings to be worrying about. I wouldn't have even mentioned the gift.

As for the wedding being inconvenient, it obviously is! They might already have plans for NYE, but even if not, it's the most expensive time of the year for most people and a 5 week pay month. Not to mention one of them is having their own wedding 5 weeks later, so those girls will already have budgeted for that and are probably already squeezed.

Have your wedding whenever you want, be happy about your own engagement, but don't expect others to have those same feelings!

Don't message your sick ex friend if you have no intention of rebuilding the friendship. There's literally no point.

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blubberyboo · 03/10/2022 18:54

I think you have been right about the whole engagement wedding thing.

You should reach out to this girl and say that you have been thinking about her and you hope she is recovering well.

however the girl who messaged you has no business laying down any sort of time frame or conditions for you to speak to another person in the group and you should reply telling her

” I will make contact with J in my own time and way and it is not for you to determine what sort of time frame I have to do so”

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:55

My fiancé and I had been talking about getting married NYE for about a year before we got engaged as we got together on NYE. I told the girls this but of course nothing was set in stone until we were officially engaged. By which time other girl had set her date for Feb. My cousin is getting married a week after us. I don't feel like my thunder is being stolen and it's actually been fun discussing wedding plans with her.

I get that the gift sounds petty but it was one thing in a string of things that's happened over the years. Maybe i shouldn't have made the post purely about that but that's what finally caused me to walk away.

The main thing was one of the girls practically bullied me for 2 years. The girls witnessed this and although agreed that she'd treated me terribly didn't really do much about it. I spoke the the girl in question and told her how I felt about her behaviour towards me and that I'd be taking a step back. She apologied and said she understood. I avoided this girl at events and the others said I was making everyone feel awkward by not talking to her. I didn't invite her to my birthday etc and they said I was being unfair including her.

I guess overall they've not really ever been the most supportive when I feel I've always been there for them.

Of course I wouldn't approach the girl with the cyst and directly say I don't want to be friends. I obviously hope she's ok but at the same time I don't want to get back into a friendship.

Maybe a card would be a good idea aa some have suggested as there's no expectation to respond.

OP posts:
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phishy · 03/10/2022 18:55

@NalaNana

You lost your 7 closest friends because you weren't impressed with a gift

OP says they weren’t good friends so it’s no loss. It sounds like their behaviour over OP’s engagement / wedding was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s not the gift so much but what it revealed in their attitude to OP.

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TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 18:55

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OriginalUsername2 · 03/10/2022 18:56

I do think the gifts sound low effort and cheap - the stale graze box can’t be denied (and was probably a free sample).

Your position in the group where you’re told off and “given chances” isn’t one I would put up with as a grown woman.

I would message the unwell person a genuine “get well soon” type of message and leave it at that.

If they start messaging you bullshit, just a simple “Sorry, I’m not invested anymore. Wishing you all well.” (followed by blocking the lot of them) will leave them nice and gobsmacked, hopefully.

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Winter2020 · 03/10/2022 18:58

I admit I just don't "get" some of this like why anyone buys someone a gin factory tour because they got engaged. I would send a card and £20 to get a drink and I think that is making more effort than most.

Getting married on New Year is like getting married abroad. Up to you but don't be surprised if some decline. Your friends banging on about how inconvenient it was were rude I think. Why not just decline making their excuses of new year plans. Your wedding is not arranged for their convenience. Accept or decline.

The wedding is local? Can't see the cost drama of a couple of cokes with free grub. If they can't afford alcohol/taxi then drive (one of them drive to take the group?). Can't afford an outfit borrow one, ebay or wear something they have.

5 weeks between dos is hardly exhausting. It's not like the day before and people hung over for your friends wedding.

However if you expect hen dos abroad with matching t-shirts etc at this notice then that would be unreasonable.

I wouldn't contact your friend. You haven't spoke since June and don't want to rekindle the friendship. Surely she will lean on the people that are actually in her life.

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GloriousGlory · 03/10/2022 18:58

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TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 18:58

Unofficially engaged. Le sigh.

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GloriousGlory · 03/10/2022 18:59

When I got engaged, about 40 years ago, presents were stuff for your bottom drawer....

To help you build a new home, relevant to the occasion.

Now it's a gin tour.... why?

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KimmySchmitt · 03/10/2022 19:01

@GloriousGlory Because most people already live together and don't need sheets and towels? Because a gin tour is good fun and a nice gift?

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Hearthnhome · 03/10/2022 19:01

They suggested you move the wedding because it was quite shitty to plonk your wedding in, just before a friends wedding.

NYE happens every year. You could just as easily do it next year.

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