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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
74%
You are NOT being unreasonable
26%
TheHoover · 03/10/2022 21:07

I have a relative who is exceptionally judgemental about her friends. Expects super high standards of them all and no forgiveness if they do anything ‘wrong’.

Lots of the transgressions she complains about are ‘it’s not about the money/ gift / lack of but the thought / lack of’.
She has fallen out with every friendship group she has had since school and is really lonely.

I really wish she would just chill and be more forgiving / tolerant (I don’t tell her this).

I think it’s a generational thing but also a female thing; men just don’t seem to get involved with any of this shit which is definitely the right idea

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Shiningstarr · 03/10/2022 21:23

I think the gift they gave you was rather insulting. I would have been upset about that aswell.

I think you're right to ditch them. They aren't friends.

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Tiredmum100 · 03/10/2022 21:23

Honestly OP I would just forget about the lot of them. It doesn't sound like they're bringing any thing positive to your life. And one thing I've learnt is life is short. Too short for this drama. If you're having 150 people at your wedding, sounds like you've got plenty of other family and friends to share your day with. Fwiw, I'd love to go to a NYE wedding, especially if transport was provided. I never do anything on NYE. Enjoy your wedding OP.

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MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/10/2022 21:43

I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.

Would you? I wouldn't. Times have been very tough, we've recently had two years of lockdown and IME people are still reporting that life feels very far from the 'normal' we knew before anyone had ever heard the word COVID. There's war in Europe and an ever-increasing cost of living. If people need their small, weekly pleasures to get though these times then frankly it's their money and their business.

On the first count YABU, on the circumstances you've chosen for your wedding, not. But I've never really understood the angst expended on wedding invitations in the first place. Your wedding, your decision as to venue/date, guests' decision as to whether they do or don't show up.

Friendship groups are a notorious pain in the arse, and if you're being singled out for different treatment to the others, or having petty rows about trivialities like who gets married and in what order, it's probably time to cut your losses. Nobody needs this crap. I'd send your unwell friend a card as a PP suggested, which carried no expectation of a response.

You and this group seem to have outgrown each other. Best wishes for your marriage and new start.

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qpmz · 03/10/2022 22:16

A NYE wedding would be a pain.
The engagement present was a bit odd but no big deal.
Not contacting your friend when she's unwell is the straw that will break the camel's back.

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Eeiliethya · 03/10/2022 22:35

I genuinely despair at some of the shit I read on here sometimes.

You all sound like an immature bunch of arseholes.

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Eeiliethya · 03/10/2022 22:36

I mean the OP and her bunch of friends.

I don't know how people have the energy for this shit in day to day life.

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Ponderingwindow · 03/10/2022 23:06

I love the idea of a NYE wedding. I just think it requires some advance planning. if all your guests are local then though, that really isn’t much it an issue. When I think wedding logistics I am thinking planes and hotel rooms, not worrying about getting across town or what to wear. I’ve literally never attended a wedding that didn’t require booking travel and a hotel. Just getting across town would be such a luxury.

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Kitkatcatflap · 04/10/2022 01:12

I had no idea people still bought engagement presents beyond fizzy boose.

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Worthyornot · 04/10/2022 06:54

I would never attend a NYE or Christmas wedding. It's far too inconvenient and I honestly have better plans than to attend a wedding. Your friends are not the issue here.

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ShirleyPhallus · 04/10/2022 08:26

Worthyornot · 04/10/2022 06:54

I would never attend a NYE or Christmas wedding. It's far too inconvenient and I honestly have better plans than to attend a wedding. Your friends are not the issue here.

I love a NYE wedding. What plans do you have every year that are better than a wedding? Not shirty, just interested as NYE always seems a damp squib to be unless you spend loads

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Gillyx · 04/10/2022 08:50

You’ve said that you didn’t want an engagement party, did your friends who you bought the fancier presents for have engagement parties? It might be that they thought that the expense/hassle of having everyone for a party, meant that they needed to get a nicer present and then when you haven’t had a party it’s less of a big thing? And a smaller token gift is appropriate? I agree that the actual gift doesn’t sound great but I can understand spending less if you haven’t thrown a big party.

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Worthyornot · 04/10/2022 09:59

ShirleyPhallus · 04/10/2022 08:26

I love a NYE wedding. What plans do you have every year that are better than a wedding? Not shirty, just interested as NYE always seems a damp squib to be unless you spend loads

We have a young ds so any big plans is just out of the question. I actually prefer to be home and host a little party. I guess we are also at that stage where all friends have young kids so we prefer to get together, if the kids want to sleep over it's fine and the adults can have a party. Alternatively we just have family over or even have the best countdown party with just us. A nye wedding means finding childcare and that's especially hard as not many want to give up that night/ finding accommodation somewhere during peak period etc. Just too inconvenient and I would definitely give it a miss.

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wannabeamummysobad · 04/10/2022 11:17

A nye wedding means finding childcare and that's especially hard as not many want to give up that night/ finding accommodation somewhere during peak period etc. Just too inconvenient and I would definitely give it a miss.

@Worthyornot RTFT, op said kids are invited and it's 10-40mins away (ie local) and op is providing coach transportation for all guests. None of your response is applicable.

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Limosella · 04/10/2022 11:50

OP, you mention pulling out of the friendship group in June. Have any of them been in touch with you since or has the first contact been this 'demand' you should contact the ill bully? If none of them could be bothered to get in touch until now I wouldn't bother with them.

I feel for you, they sound like schoolyard mean girls, it's their way or the highway. Real friends don't treat or speak to others the way they have with you. Move on and forget them. You've got exciting times ahead of you with your wedding plans. Have a lovely time and don't give them another thought.

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fruitstick · 04/10/2022 11:59

@wannabeamummysobad the OP has clearly made an effort to accommodate people, but it's not always so simple. Great if the children are older and excited by a wedding or NYE, but little ones will be flagging early and then guests will have to take them home. Entirely up to the guest obviously but they children being invited doesn't simply solve the problem.

A coach doesn't solve much either if people want to leave early, live a way from the drop off point.

The OP is in her early 30s and that probably makes a massive difference in your enthusiasm for NYE so hopefully all her guests will feel the same.

Her friends are still terrible though.

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Womencanlift · 04/10/2022 12:35

ShirleyPhallus · 04/10/2022 08:26

I love a NYE wedding. What plans do you have every year that are better than a wedding? Not shirty, just interested as NYE always seems a damp squib to be unless you spend loads

It depends on your view on what is a damp squid. But NY in my family is a big thing with a family party in the evening and then big meal the next day. In my opinion a traditional NYD dinner is far superior to a a Christmas dinner 😀

So different strokes I guess but if I or any of my circle did get invited to a NYE wedding we would either decline or roll our eyes if we felt we couldn’t get out of it. But to be honest it would be very unlikely that someone would book it for then as people appreciate that this time of year is usually tied up with family traditions

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AisforApplePie · 04/10/2022 13:28

So different strokes I guess but if I or any of my circle did get invited to a NYE wedding we would either decline or roll our eyes if we felt we couldn’t get out of it.

Wow, you sound like pleasant people.

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Limosella · 04/10/2022 13:53

AisforApplePie · 04/10/2022 13:28

So different strokes I guess but if I or any of my circle did get invited to a NYE wedding we would either decline or roll our eyes if we felt we couldn’t get out of it.

Wow, you sound like pleasant people.

I agree with this. Whatever happened to being happy for other people even if you don't feel you can attend the celebrations?

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MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/10/2022 17:00

I love a NYE wedding. What plans do you have every year that are better than a wedding?

The loony dook.

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