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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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pictish · 03/10/2022 19:01

Have to say, your New Year’s Eve wedding bunged in 5 weeks before your friend’s wedding seems a bit…tactless. The date itself (it’s New Years ffs), the time of year straight after Christmas when people are skint, the proximity to the next wedding which will require people to spend as well and was, quite frankly, first in the queue. With the cost of living crisis ongoing, I don’t know why you timed it so poorly…as well as casting a shadow over your other pal’s do.
You’ve been a bit of an arsehole tbh. Sorry to say.

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BadNomad · 03/10/2022 19:02

You really don't see how a wedding on NYE this year is an inconvenience? Ok - there was an engagement party in June. That cost money. Then there will probably at least one hen do? Those cost money. Then there's Christmas - that's always a very busy and expensive time for people. Then a wedding a month after that. More money.

Then you decided to wedge your wedding in between (very busy and expensive) Christmas and a friend's wedding, on a day people like to celebrate the beginning of the New Year with their friends and family. While complaining about people not spending enough money on an engagement present (when did this become a thing?) for you.

What was your rush?

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pictish · 03/10/2022 19:02

Hearthnhome · 03/10/2022 19:01

They suggested you move the wedding because it was quite shitty to plonk your wedding in, just before a friends wedding.

NYE happens every year. You could just as easily do it next year.

Or this, to be more concise.

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HolidayHun2020 · 03/10/2022 19:02

Firstly, I definitely don’t think you should message your friend, you no longer want to be friends so what would be the point. Secondly if you were my friend and had wedged your wedding in before my pre-planned wedding I would be fuming. The fact you haven’t considered this is very telling. Also in that scenario, if I was a friend (not one of the brides) your wedding in my mind would take a back seat to the others because there’s was in first. It really sounds like they don’t like you very much so couldn’t be arsed to put in effort - I would be really curious to know why… something tells me they probably have good reasons!

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Womencanlift · 03/10/2022 19:03

You can have your wedding whenever you want but I do think anyone that books a wedding around Christmas and New Year have to accept that it won’t work for a lot of people.

I think it’s pretty selfish to expect people to use some of their Christmas time to come to your wedding and then go in a mood if they can’t or won’t come. Fair enough if you invite them with no issue if they can’t make it but from what you have said you expected people to drop their own plans to come to your wedding.

I have my own family traditions at that time of year and I don’t think I would attend a wedding at that time of year unless it was a family member or best friend

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PCPrincipless · 03/10/2022 19:03

NYE is when everyone either has plans, is away visiting family or is skint, having paid for Xmas and waiting for a January pay day.

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GloriousGlory · 03/10/2022 19:04

KimmySchmitt · 03/10/2022 19:01

@GloriousGlory Because most people already live together and don't need sheets and towels? Because a gin tour is good fun and a nice gift?

But why does anyone need a gin tour because they get engaged?

Nah, I'd not find that shit and then a wedding a few months later.

Grabby grabby grabby

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happy66 · 03/10/2022 19:04

I would not message her if you do not wish to be her friend. Definitely not. You do not need that when you are ill. Someone is sticking their nose in.

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Zizou04 · 03/10/2022 19:04

What I hate about these threads, is that the OP reads all these responses, most of which don't agree with her line of thinking - and yet there is still no acknowledgement that, just maybe, they could be in the wrong.

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GloriousGlory · 03/10/2022 19:04

PCPrincipless · 03/10/2022 19:03

NYE is when everyone either has plans, is away visiting family or is skint, having paid for Xmas and waiting for a January pay day.

And another wedding five weeks later.....

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twinmum2007 · 03/10/2022 19:06

POssibly missing the point of the thread, but why do people feel the need to buy engagement gifts? Back in the day, when people getting engaged did so before leaving the parental nest, I can see that a little something towards setting up home might be appropriate. But now? I don;t see the point.

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blubberyboo · 03/10/2022 19:07

The engagement gift was really shite especially compared to what had been done for others. A graze box , chocolate bar and nuts? Who on earth would want that for an engagement gift.

also NYE is not a hugely special occasion in my opinion. Most people I know couldn’t give a toss about going out for it and it wouldn’t be that hard to change a typical night out or house party plan into a “going to a wedding” plan instead.

I think the problem is the others have been bitching that your wedding is now going to be 5 weeks in front of the other girls taking the sheen off her day

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Wishyfishy · 03/10/2022 19:08

So…

  1. I think for many people engagement gifts aren’t a “thing” but I can see why you’re jealous if they got more, HOWEVER
  2. The first people to get married / have babies in a friendship group get all the attention. This is something almost every friendship group I’ve known experiences. Everyone is SO EXCITED about their first friends going through this and nothing is too much. Several engagements down the road it starts to get old. You realise how much money you’re going to have to spend on 2, 3, 4+ weddings, how many days off work.

    My good friends made a bit of a fuss when I got married and when I had DC but honestly it wasn’t nearly as much of a fuss as was made on them when they got married etc and that’s just the way it was. I was a few years older and people didn’t care as much - they were already going to three weddings a year and couldn’t bring themselves to care as much. It’s just life and it doesn’t mean your friends don’t love you. Maybe think of the distillery etc (as an engagement gift and not even the hen party??) as OTT rather than the baseline.

    Don’t lose friends over this.
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ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 03/10/2022 19:08

I take it you're not going to wedding 5 weeks after yours OP? And by extension they're not invited to yours?

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TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 19:08

I’ve been trying to remember if we got gifts when we got engaged. I don’t think we did, we might have got a card from MIL. I’m going to stop speaking to everyone. Arses.

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willithappen · 03/10/2022 19:09

Oh so because you have alwaaaays spoken about having an NYE wedding your friends MUST keep this free and be of the mind that a wedding for you could come up at any time. They had to preempt you getting engaged and then that it would be that exact NYE in the same year.
Sorry OP that doesn't fly, the fact they apparently knew you wanted an NYE wedding doesn't excuse you deciding you'll have a wedding in 8 months and pop it right before a friend who presumably has been planning longer

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Whattheactualfcku · 03/10/2022 19:09

Your wedding is quite short notice and NYE is also a weird time for one but tbh I never make big plans NYE so would be happy to attend! Unless they’re expected to travel and spend loads, not sure why the date of the wedding is really a problem for them.

That gift sounds awful and whilst I’d not expect an engagement gift, if it’s what you do as friends, they should have reciprocated your generosity! I think it might be a hint that they don’t like you much?! In which case if you’re happy to ditch them then leave it as it is! Well done for saying what you thought as I’d have just ghosted them!

As for the friend who needs the op, if you’ve already left the chat you’ve made it clear you’re not bothered about the friendships massively!

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GloriousGlory · 03/10/2022 19:10

twinmum2007 · 03/10/2022 19:06

POssibly missing the point of the thread, but why do people feel the need to buy engagement gifts? Back in the day, when people getting engaged did so before leaving the parental nest, I can see that a little something towards setting up home might be appropriate. But now? I don;t see the point.

Oh no apparently a fun gift is a gin tour and OP deserves that....

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AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2022 19:10

They’re right about NYE. If you’re so committed to that date have a small ceremony and don’t expect people to accommodate it.

Have you found a venue? How many guests are you expecting?

Don’t contact the ill one, leave her alone.

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PCPrincipless · 03/10/2022 19:13

TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 19:08

I’ve been trying to remember if we got gifts when we got engaged. I don’t think we did, we might have got a card from MIL. I’m going to stop speaking to everyone. Arses.

Good point. I'm going to now fall out with all my friends because in hindsight they didn't get me a distillery tour for my engagement. All I got were crappy cards.

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Ponderingwindow · 03/10/2022 19:13

If there is no friendship, there is no reason to reach out to your old acquaintance with a medical issue.

when you plan a wedding, it’s considered polite to consider the needs of your guests. Will your date mean extra travel expenses and higher hotel costs for the guests? If a cousin is marrying the next weekend, does that basically make it impossible for some relatives to attend both events if you choose the weekend before? When you don’t consider your guests and your family and friends react negatively, it is wise to think about why they might be unhappy.

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YumYummy · 03/10/2022 19:14

I think sending a card is a good idea if you want them back as friends, if not then just leave things as they are.
A NYE wedding is a pain.
I wouldn’t have commented on the engagement present.

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Loics · 03/10/2022 19:14

It's already been said why YABU, you sound very self-centred, especially since you can't see why NYE is inconvenient for people (never mind the friend whose wedding you've decided to upstage by shoving yours in 5 weeks before).
It's probably best not to contact ill friend, it'll probably stress her. It's real, supportive friends she needs OP, which is definitely not you, sorry. You've already managed to make her situation about you and how to contact her, don't you think even a card, never mind an awkward message sent out of a sense of obligation, from someone who's made it clear they don't like her will be upsetting?

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Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/10/2022 19:17

phishy · 03/10/2022 18:55

@NalaNana

You lost your 7 closest friends because you weren't impressed with a gift

OP says they weren’t good friends so it’s no loss. It sounds like their behaviour over OP’s engagement / wedding was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s not the gift so much but what it revealed in their attitude to OP.

It says closest friends in the op

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Toddlerteaplease · 03/10/2022 19:17

Well aren't you a delight.

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